The joke & parody thread

[Vic]

I have been missing this for some time now, especially given the inspiring qualities of the subject.

Although - even in this forum I am often at a loss over whether this statement or other is supposed to be funny...

I don't know for sure whether I've already posted this one: http://www.netaxs.com/~balpert/jewfaq.html - I can't find it.

[General X]

This will explain arafat in simplest form.

indented = arafat

"Hey, give me a high five or I'll keep punching you"
Okay!
"Now give me a low five or I'll keep kicking you"
Okay!
"Now kill yourself or give me your head on a stick"
No.
"Well then I'll do it for you. This proves that jews don't want peace because they won't comprimise!"

You see, as long as he's killing you, he's happy.

[elke]

Originally posted by General X
[B]This will explain arafat in simplest form.

indented = arafat


You didn't mean "demented", did you? :D

Good Arafat joke! :cool:

[Mediocrates]

(Miami)--In a move that has significantly altered the political landscape of the Middle East, PLO Chairman Yassir Arafat last Saturday announced his retirement and quickly moved to Miami, Florida. Almost immediately, Arafat claimed 39% of the land owned by Hillel House on the campus of The University of Miami, as well as land occupied by the Moses Mendelssohn Community Retirement Center situated in the trendy South Beach section of the city.

Arafat, however, got more than he bargained for when he attempted to occupy the Retirement Center land. His military incursion was met with fierce resistance by members of the South Beach Hadassah who were meeting in the Center at the time. Reports are still sketchy, but it appears that Arafat and his forces sustained serious casualties and had to abandon their attack when elderly Hadassah members hurled Mah Jongg tiles at the Palestinian terrorists.

"I've never seen anything like it," said Miami Police Chief Buford Rodriquez. "You can't believe the lethal impact of a Mah Jongg tile thrown at 95 mph. Man, some of those grannies ought to try out for the Marlins. They'd be Cy Young contenders for sure."

The European Parliament quickly denounced the Hadassah group's inflammatory use of Mah Jongg tiles, and decided to schedule a debate to decide whether or not to form an exploratory group to consider a proposal to request an investigation into the matter. Under consideration is a proposal in which the Grand Duchy of Liechtenstein would send peacekeeping troops to Miami Beach to establish "safe zones" that would be free of all Mah Jongg activity.

For his part, Arafat is going to appear before the General Assembly of the United Nations to urge the passing of Resolution 843, making Mah Jongg a form of genocide.

[NewsGuy]

ROFL!!

Mediocrates, you da man!


:D :D :D

[cerulean]

Supposedly a joke based on a Monty Python skit is the winner.

Scientists list world’s funniest joke
http://www.msnbc.com/news/816084.asp?pne=msn

Surely someone can do better than this (well, actually they have - even on this very thread :) ).

[Mediocrates]

Two Arabs are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures.

"Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."

...There's a pause...

The second Arab says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Miriam]

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[MichaelC]

A man walks into a curio shop in Haifa. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it.

He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve shekels for the rat, one hundred shekels for the story," said the owner. The man gave the shop owner twelve shekels. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting and he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Quite frightened by now, he ran to the edge of the bay, and hurled the bronze rat as far out into the bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the bay after it and drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Arab."

[Mediocrates]

Colin Powell speaks Yiddish

http://www.snopes.com/glurge/powell.htm

[Mediocrates]

Ariel Sharon - "The important thing is to shovel the entire width and breadth of the driveway, regardless of what anyone else thinks."

Ehud Barak - "You must shovel most of the driveway, but the exact dimensions of shoveling will be determined in discussions with our neighbors. No wait, you can shovel only in places where snow had previously fallen, but you cannot shovel in places where no snow had fallen - wait, don't do any shoveling until you hear from me!"

Yossi Sarid - "You should not shovel any part of the driveway, since you really do not have any valid historical or legal claim to the driveway, and it will soon be given back to its rightful owners."

Artscroll Hilchos Sheleg ("Laws Regarding Snow; Ashkenaz version, chapter 5) - "First approach the snow with the proper kavanah, meditating on the concept of snow removal. Recite the "...Who commanded us concerning the shoveling of snow" benediction," then take three steps back, bend the knees slightly with feet together, then look at the snow, lift shovel and dig, turning right and then left, bend knees fully, take three steps forward and deposit snow deliberately. Repeat until done, then recite the Sheheheyanu benediction, go indoors and have a hot drink, remembering to say the Shehakol brocha (see Artscroll Hilchos on Drinking Hot Liquids)..."

Tikkun Magazine - "What right do we have to violently take snow from its rightful resting place? Snow has rights: each snowflake is a unique individual, and we have absolutely no right to do anything with it. Let the snow decide for itself what it wishes to do, and then if it wishes to be shoveled, do so humanely."

Rashi - "Snow, this is a form of solid precipitation that clings to
one's beard if you remain outside too long in the winter season. (Old French: neige). Shoveling is a Rabbinic precept, based on the verse In Isaiah 1:18 - "If your sins be like scarlet, they will turn as white as snows"

Birthright Israel - "It does not matter how the shoveling is done, but the very act of a young Jew shoveling snow for ten consecutive days, under proper supervision will have a lifelong impact on Jewish identity."

Meir Ben-Meir (Israeli Water Commissioner) - "Just shovel the snow as fast as you can, and ship it here. We are running out of water fast! Is anyone listening to me?"

Rabbi David Hartman - "Snow is a potent force in the world which
unites all Jews. It falls on us all,regardless of religious denomination and belief, and is therefore instrumental in our understanding of Jewish unity and diversity. In fact, just this week, I was explaining the significance of snow to the Prime Minister, President Weizman, President Clinton, and His Holiness the Pope, who had asked my opinion."

The Late Lubavitcher Rebbe (from an epistle to a disciple) -"Shoveling snow is a distraction from our efforts to bring Moshiach, may He come soon, when in any case there will be no snow to shovel. So leave it and let it melt. If the Messiah does not come by Shavuos, the snow will have miraculously disappeared."

[Mediocrates]

Q: What's a brunette standing between two blondes?




A: An interpreter.

[Mediocrates]

Q: How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?






A: Invade Poland

[Miriam]

Ladies and Europeans, don't do the kid the favour of reacting to it - he'll still take some time to grow up :p

[Mediocrates]

So these two cannibals were cooking a clown and one says to the other -



"Does this taste funny?"

[Mediocrates]

If you can't laugh at suffering and misery then you haven't lived with it enough.

[MichaelC]

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine -- "la maison."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine -- "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French
dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups, appropriately
enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should
be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give
four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine order ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The Women won.

[Mediocrates]

The tune and tempo are very soft, intimate, loungish Bosa Nova.

Last night I took you home
And we began to hmmmmm
You were such a hmmmmm
Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm only seventeen
Hmmm hmmm hmmm leather skirts
Hmmm hmmm hmmm rubber shirts
Hmm hmm hmm hmmmm and jars of Vaseline

Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm
Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm -- pick up the soap!
Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm -- mayonnaise and rope!

Then from the chandelier
The three of us did hmmm hmmmm hmmmm
Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm
Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm hospital for life
Hmmm hmmm hmmm whips and chains
Hmmm hmmm hmmm Great Danes
Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm your wife

The Humming Song
Copyright circa 1980 by (probably) Rear Exit Music Inc. and
the one, the only Martin Mull who actually performed it on national commercial TV once.

[Frans_1]

I heard this one once.

>>>>>

Two Jewish families are living in the desert. They build three synagogues, one for each family, one to boycott.

<<<<<

[elke]

Originally posted by Frans_1
I heard this one once.

>>>>>

Two Jewish families are living in the desert. They build three synagogues, one for each family, one to boycott.

<<<<<

Good joke! :) This tendency is, IMO, actually both our curse and our salvation!

[Mediocrates]

Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns.
Bring all of your friends who have guns.
Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough or using cover correctly.
Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend.
If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.
In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. All skill is in vain when an Angel urinates in the flintlock of your musket.
Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
Always cheat always win. The only unfair fight is the one you loose.
Have a plan.
Have a back-up plan because the first one won’t work.
Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
Don’t drop your guard.
Always Tac load and threat scan 360 degrees.
Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep you hands where I can see them.)
Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
Be courteous to everyone. Friendly to no one.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight, unless it is your third line of defense.
Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

[mosh]

Saddam Hussein phoned President George W. Bush.

"I had a dream about the United States," he said. "I could see the

>whole country, and over every building and home was a banner,"

>said Hussein.

>"What was on the banner?" asked Mr. Bush.

>"Long Live Saddam!" answered the Arab dictator.

>"I am so glad that you called," said President Bush, "because

>I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw Iraq and it was more

>beautiful than ever; totally rebuilt, many, many beautiful

>tall, gleaming buildings, filled with clean-shaven workers,

>both male & female and over every building and home was a big,

>beautiful banner."

>"What did the banner say?" asked Saddam.

>

>"I don't know," answered President Bush, "I can't read Hebrew!"

[MichaelC]

Well, probably going to get in trouble for this, but I just can't help it.......it is tooooooooooo funny !

1. How many gears in a French tank?

Six, five reverse and one forward in case they are attacked from behind.

2. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?

The Army.

3. How do you stop a French tank?

Shoot the guy pushing.

4. How did the French advertise surplus World War I rifles?

"Never fired, only dropped once."

5. Why might the French send troops to the Gulf?

To teach the Iraqis how to surrender.

6. A Frenchwoman is in a bar with a parrot. The barman says:
"That's an ugly bird. Where did you get it?"

The parrot says: "France, there's millions of 'em!"

7. Why does the new French Navy use glass-bottomed boats?

To see the old French Navy.

[sharonbn]

when traveling abroad
http://www.insults.net/html/swear/index.html

enjoy,
Sharon.

[Miriam]

my favourite - the Biblical Curse Generator: http://www.shipoffools.com/Features/Curses/Curses_body.html

[Miriam]

English Sans French (http://www.csmonitor.com/2003/0314/p10s02-comv.html)

[MichaelC]

http://www.chortler.com/iraqtv.shtml

Today On Iraqi Television

7:00 Baghdad Today -- Host Peter Arnett looks over the past day's successes by the Iraqi troops and the failures of the American army.

9:00 Saddam and Son -- The ever-popular sitcom involving a father and son living in massive junk heap that was once a collection of royal places.

10:00 Speech from Saddam Double I -- older, Groucho Marx-type Saddam double reads a three-hour script on the glories of the regime and the evils of the invading American infidels.

1:00 Blank Screen -- our daily program featuring nothing but a blank screen while staff perform maintenance (run for cover actually). Today's blank screen color: grey.

5:00 Speech from Saddam Double II -- younger, suaver Tom Selleck-type double reads a three-hour script on the glories of the regime and the evils of the invading American infidels.

8:00 Iraqi Survivor -- in the largest reality show ever made for television, 20 million people compete to be liberated from an evil tyrant, while continual gunfire and bombings follow their every move.

10:00 Nightly Fireworks Display -- Another excerpt of the $75 billion American pyrotechnics exhibition showing throughout Baghdad, now in its second week

[mimil]

THE QUESTION: Why the chicken have does crosses the road?

RENE DESCARTES: To go to the other side.
PLATO: For its good. The other side holds the Truth.
ARISTOTE: It is the nature of chicken to cross the roads.
KARL MARX: it was historically inevitable.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To go where no other chicken had gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of secretion of its pancreas.
MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.: I have the vision of a world or all the chickens would be free to cross the road without having has to justify their act.
RICHARD Mr. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road, I repeat, the chicken NEVER did cross the road.
NICOLAS MACHIAVEL: significant event it is that the chicken has crossed the road. The end in itself to cross the road justifies any reason whatsoever.
SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are worried about the fact that the chicken has crossed the road reveals your strong feeling of latent sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES We precisely have just developed the new Chicken Office 2003", which will not be only satisfied to cross the roads, but will brood also eggs, will classify your significant files, etc...
BUDDHA: To put this question disavows your own chicken nature.
GALILEE: And yet, it crosses.
CHARLES DE GAULLE: Chicken perhaps crossed the road, but it does not have yet crosses the Highway!
BILL CLINTON: I swear on the constitution that it is nothing happened between this chicken and me.
EINSTEIN: The fact that it is the chicken which crosses the road or the road which is driven under chicken depends only on your referential.
ZEN: The chicken can vainly cross the road, only the Master knows the noise of his shade behind the wall. FOREST GUMP: RUN CHICKEN RUN!!!
STALIN: the chicken will have to be shoot at once, like all the witnesses of the scene and 10 other people taken randomly, not to have not prevents this subversive act.
GEORGE W. BUSH: The fact that the chicken could cross this road in all impunity in spite of the resolutions of UN represents an affront to democracy, freedom and justice. This proves undoubtedly that we should have bombed this road a long time ago. With an aim of ensuring peace in this area, and to prevent that the values which we defend are once more ridiculed by this kind of terrorism, the government of the United States of America decided to send 17 aircraft carriers, 46 destroyers 154 cruisers, with on the ground 243000 GI and in the airs 846 bombers, which will have the role in the name of freedom and of democracy, to eliminate any trace of life in the hen houses 5000 km around, then to make sure by shootings at any target which resembles closely or by far to a hen house is reduced to nothing. We have decides that then, this country will liberally be taken charges by our government, which will rebuild hen houses according to the safety of the government in force, a cock democratically elected by the ambassador of the United States. In financing this rebuildings, we will be rewarded by the total control of the corn production of the area during 30 years, knowing that the local inhabitants will be given a preferential rate on part of this production, in exchange of their total co-operation. In this new country of justice, peace and of freedom, we can ensure you that never again a chicken will try to cross a road, for the simple good reason, that there will be no more roads, and that the chickens will not have any more legs.
God blesses America.

[MichaelC]

Originally posted by mimil
THE QUESTION: Why the chicken have does crosses the road?

RENE DESCARTES: To go to the other side.
PLATO: For its good. The other side holds the Truth.
ARISTOTE: It is the nature of chicken to cross the roads.
KARL MARX: it was historically inevitable.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To go where no other chicken had gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of secretion of its pancreas.
MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.: I have the vision of a world or all the chickens would be free to cross the road without having has to justify their act.
RICHARD Mr. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road, I repeat, the chicken NEVER did cross the road.
NICOLAS MACHIAVEL: significant event it is that the chicken has crossed the road. The end in itself to cross the road justifies any reason whatsoever.
SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are worried about the fact that the chicken has crossed the road reveals your strong feeling of latent sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES We precisely have just developed the new Chicken Office 2003", which will not be only satisfied to cross the roads, but will brood also eggs, will classify your significant files, etc...
BUDDHA: To put this question disavows your own chicken nature.
GALILEE: And yet, it crosses.
CHARLES DE GAULLE: Chicken perhaps crossed the road, but it does not have yet crosses the Highway!
BILL CLINTON: I swear on the constitution that it is nothing happened between this chicken and me.
EINSTEIN: The fact that it is the chicken which crosses the road or the road which is driven under chicken depends only on your referential.
ZEN: The chicken can vainly cross the road, only the Master knows the noise of his shade behind the wall. FOREST GUMP: RUN CHICKEN RUN!!!
STALIN: the chicken will have to be shoot at once, like all the witnesses of the scene and 10 other people taken randomly, not to have not prevents this subversive act.
GEORGE W. BUSH: The fact that the chicken could cross this road in all impunity in spite of the resolutions of UN represents an affront to democracy, freedom and justice. This proves undoubtedly that we should have bombed this road a long time ago. With an aim of ensuring peace in this area, and to prevent that the values which we defend are once more ridiculed by this kind of terrorism, the government of the United States of America decided to send 17 aircraft carriers, 46 destroyers 154 cruisers, with on the ground 243000 GI and in the airs 846 bombers, which will have the role in the name of freedom and of democracy, to eliminate any trace of life in the hen houses 5000 km around, then to make sure by shootings at any target which resembles closely or by far to a hen house is reduced to nothing. We have decides that then, this country will liberally be taken charges by our government, which will rebuild hen houses according to the safety of the government in force, a cock democratically elected by the ambassador of the United States. In financing this rebuildings, we will be rewarded by the total control of the corn production of the area during 30 years, knowing that the local inhabitants will be given a preferential rate on part of this production, in exchange of their total co-operation. In this new country of justice, peace and of freedom, we can ensure you that never again a chicken will try to cross a road, for the simple good reason, that there will be no more roads, and that the chickens will not have any more legs.
God blesses America. You went to all this trouble just so you could bash America?

[mimil]

Originally posted by MichaelC
You went to all this trouble just so you could bash America?

No michaelC, even so I said I would not reply I feel this one will not piss you off. I translated from an email I received. I have a couple of fun pictures also, but they are not allowed here.

It's healthy to have an opposition, so here I am. Sorry if it annoys you (And I really mean it).

[MichaelC]

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest player in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war." - Chris Rock

[Donna]

From a blog: http://braden.weblogs.com/humor/warOnTerror

Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a Colt 45 M1911A-1 semiautomatic pistol and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer:
"Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion."

Conservative Answer:
BANG!

Marine Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of magazine being ejected and fresh magazine installed)
Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"
Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw him moving too..."
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy!"

[sharonbn]

Saddam's doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam look-alikes.

"Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news.
The good news is Saddam is still alive.
The bad news is he lost an arm."

[Donna]

Originally posted by sharonbn
Saddam's doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam look-alikes.

"Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news.
The good news is Saddam is still alive.
The bad news is he lost an arm."

:D :D

[yoyo]

Is Islam a Zionist conspiracy?

http://www.backwash.com/content_frame.php?id=6e445c935d949ec693f5f00f67103 d31&retPath=contentboard.php%3Fcon_id%3D22611

[Communication]

Avraham was talking to his son Yitzhak about plans to upgrade his computer to Win 95.

Yitzhac says, 'you're crazy, dad. Your old computer doesnt have enough speed or memory to run Win 95. You'll need at least a 486 with 128 M of memory.

So Avraham says to Yitzhak, 'Dont worry, my son, G_d will provide the RAM.''

[humus_sapiens]

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

[humus_sapiens]

Dan Rather, Jesse Jackson, Cokie Roberts from National Public Radio and an Israeli soldier were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief.

The chief said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job til the end." The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief said, "And, Mr. Israeli soldier, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass." said the Israeli.
"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass." insisted the Israeli.

So the chief untied the soldier, shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Israeli went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his uzi, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were all dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Israeli was untying the others, they each asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the Israeli, "And have you fu*kers call ME the aggressor?!?"

(by Arlene Peck)

[yoyo]

4 reasons Jesus was Jewish

1. He lived at his mum until the age of 30
2. His mum thought he was a god
3. He thought his mother was a virgin
4. After more than 2000 years he still has a thriving business

[yoyo]

A little Jewish woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or is getting worse."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, " Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic, darling!... That's wonderful news!"

The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! My doctor doesn't tell me !"

[Mediocrates]

More, from my pitch black bag-o-humor

http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun/df200307/df20030702.jpg

[frizzer1]

Hilchos TV

HILCHOS TV

Author's Preface: This book must not be used as a guide to practical
Halochoh. I am not a qualified posek. I failed my CPA exam. I do not even
have a driver's license. The sole purpose of this work is to provide a
basic
understanding of the halochic issues relating to owning and using the
television, and to convince my father-in-law that it was worth supporting
me
in kollel for the last 23 years. All halochic questions should be brought
to
a reader's local, qualified machmir. I want to acknowledge my gratitude to
Hashem Yisborach, to my wife Chashie, to my children Bini, Pini, Minnie,
Mashie, Bashie, Rashie, Ushi, Chushi and Harold. And to the one who
instilled
in me the love of television, Captain Kangaroo.

I. Definition of Television
A. The Halochoh defines television as any instrument which receives an
audio
and video signal, with a screen to display the video transmission and a
speaker to amplify the sound. According to Rav Hai Gaon, an electrical
supply
is part of the definition of television (a so-called Hai-Definition
television).

B. The Urim V'Tumim is believed to have resembled a television, though it
appears to have lacked a remote.

C. The Medrash says that Odom Harishon knew everything, obviously
including
how to invent a television.

D. In the days of Moshiach, everyone who wants a television will own one,
there will be no commercials, and all weather forecasts will be accurate.

II. Owning a Television
A. It is an Issur D'Oraisa to own a television according to most
authorities.
Some say it is an Issur D'Rabbonon. All agree that owning a television
involves almost as many Issurim as speaking Loshon Hora.

B. Owning a television that is broken is permitted, provided the insides
have
been removed, replaced with potting soil, and the television is used as a
planter. A Ba'al Nefesh will refrain from this practice.

C. One who borrows a television for more than thirty days is considered as
one who owns it, even if it is later returned. Any loan of a television is
canceled at the Yovel, along with magical objects, under the principle of
Shemitos Keshafim. This principle will not apply on New Years' Day to a
television tuned to the Pros Bowl.

III. Getting Benefit (Hano'oh) from Television
A. It is prohibited to derive benefit from television. Don't even think
about
it.

IV. The Laws of B'rochos
A. It is required to recite a Shehechiyonu on a new television, some say
at
the time of purchase, some say at the time of watching it for the first
time,
some say at the first time of watching an entertaining and popular program
that is not interrupted every five minutes by annoying commercials
featuring
furry animals, cute children or a talking carton of milk.

B. When hearing a B'rocho recited on television, one should respond
"Omen,"
although this does not fulfill an obligation. When the B'rocho is recited
by
a Goyische actor with a lousy Hebrew accent, one should snicker
derisively.

V. The Laws of Kashrus
A. One should not eat meat while dairy products are being advertised on
television, lest one come to mix the two. It is preferable to wait six
hours
before watching a dairy advertisement. However, if the advertisement
appears
in between two non-dairy advertisements, it is considered Bottel B'Rov,
unless the ad includes Tommy Lasorda or Tommy Lee Jones (in which case it
is
Nosen Tom).

B. After eating meat, a pregnant woman with a craving for ice cream may
watch
an advertisement for Hagen-Dazs, but only if the reception is fuzzy.

C. One should not eat dairy while meat products are being advertised on
television, unless one has just brushed one's teeth. An intervening
toothpaste or mouthwash ad is also acceptable.

D. It is forbidden to derive Hano'oh from an advertisement for Bosor
B'Cholov, such as a ch-seburger. When such an advertisement begins, one
should immediately cover one's face, turn off the television and recite
some
Tehillim.

VI. The Laws of Tefiloh
A. It is forbidden to postpone prayer in order to watch a program on
television. However, if one is already engaged in watching a program, in
Eretz Yisroel you may delay prayer until the program is finished, while in
Chutz Lo'Oretz you may delay until the first commercial.

B. It is permitted to Daven B'Yechidus in order to catch one's favorite
sitcom, but only on Thursday nights.

C. When one's television is broken, one should pray for its speedy repair.
It
is permissible to engage in Hishtadlus and call a repairman. In the event
the
repairman actually shows up, it is proper to recite the B'rocho of
She'Osoh
Nissim.

VII. Talking During Television Watching
A. It is forbidden to engage in idle talk during a television program,
because it would be a Hefsaik (interruption). If the speech is related to
the
watching (e.g. "Please pass the remote," or "Doesn't Kathie Lee Gifford
make
you nauseous?"), no Hefsaik occurs. Nevertheless, it is preferable to
refrain
from any speech, especially if the person sitting next to you threatens to
"punch your lights out" if you say another word.

B. During commercials, conversation is not considered a Hefsaik.
Nevertheless, one who is able to refrain from talking during commercials
should do so. The story is told about the mother of a famous Gadol who was
asked why she merited to give birth to a Torah giant. She said, "I never
disturbed my husband during commercials, and I never paid retail."

VIII.The Laws of Shabbos
A. Before Shabbos one should unplug the television and cover it with a
velvet
Challoh cover, Li'Kovod Shabbos. There is a dispute whether it is required
that the Challoh cover be encased in plastic.

B. If a young child accidentally turns on a television during Shabbos
(Rochmonoh Lotzlon), it is vital to respond without causing additional
Chilul
Shabbos. The following things should be done (in order of preferability.

1. If there is an Eruv, move yourself and your family into a neighbor's
house
for the duration of Shabbos.
2. If there is no Eruv, one must avoid looking at the television, even
unintentionally. Men should tip their hat brim over their eyes. Women
should
tip their sheitel forward over their eyes. Children should wrap long
strips
of cloth over their eyes.

3. If this is not possible, one should seek out a Gentile and indirectly
ask
him if there is anything good to watch on Friday nights.
IX. The Laws of Paisach
A. It is very difficult to clean a television for Paisach because of all
the
little holes in the back of the set. Therefore, many authorities require
that
one throw out one's televisions before Paisach and buy new ones for
Paisach.

B. According to R. Blumenkrantz, a television should be cleaned for
Paisach
as follows. First, remove the back of the television by unscrewing the
screws
under the sticker that warns against removing the back of the television.
Then clean each instrument with an ammonia-based cleaner. Finally, to
eliminate the Chometz absorbed when the television gets hot, the entire
television set should be immersed in boiling hot water (Hagoloh). R.
Blumenkrantz recommends unplugging the television first.

[Adversary2Arabs]

I had to share this that I just read at Arutz Sheva:
--------------------

In A Hurry Young Man?
09:12 Jul. 09, '03 / 9 Tammuz 5763


(IsraelNN.com) A young driver in a sports car was apprehended by police near the Polag Interchange traveling 222 KPH (137 MPH) in a 90 KPH (55 MPH) zone.

The brazen driver told the policeman it is just not possible, explaining he hadn't even reached sixth gear. His license was suspended for thirty days pending a court appearance.

[Mediocrates]

http://beta.xko.cz/danny/EUROPE-ITALY.swf

[yoyo]

A Muslim was killed in a car accident. He arrives at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter says "I'm St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven".

The Muslim says "Nice to meet you Peter but I'm a Muslim and I want to meet Muhammad."

St. Peter says "Sure no problem. Climb up that ladder behind you
and you will meet Muhammad"

The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top and there is Moses.

Moses says "Hi I'm Moses. Welcome to Heaven".

The Muslim is very excited - "Moses, its such an honour to meet you. But like I told St. Peter, I'm a Muslim and I really want to meet Muhammad".

Moses says "No problem. Climb up the ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad."

The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top,he can't see anything but bright light.

He sees this figure before him and asks "Who are you?"

The figure responds - "I am G-d. Nice to meet you. Welcome to Heaven".

God walks over and shakes his hand. The Muslim is stunned - he can hardly speak.

He says to G-d "Sir, it is such an honour to meet you - I can't believe it - this place is great. But I'm a Muslim and, no disrespect intended, but I really want to meet Muhammad."

G-d says "Ohh.. Your here to see Muhammad. I see. No problem Have a seat. Get comfortable. Can I get you some coffee or something to eat?"

The Muslim says "I would love a cup of coffee"

G-d yells into the kitchen.. "Hey Muhammad. 2 coffees!!!"

[Donna]

Students in both Jewish and Catholic parochial schools were asked to write about the Bible. These are some of the responses:

(OLD TESTAMENT HISTORY)

In the first book of the Bible, Guinness, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached the UK.

Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.

King David fought with the Finkelesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

(NEW TESTAMENT HISTORY)

When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an emasculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

According to the Bible, A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

[Donna]

We were in church one morning, singing a chorus or two of "What a Mighty God We Serve" when I noticed that my youngest daughter was really getting into the song and singing very loudly beside of us. That's sweet, I thought, until I heard what she was singing so loudly...

"Nobody calls me Sirrrr! Nobody calls me Sirrrr!"

We've laughed about that one for several years!

[yoyo]

Originally posted by ayesha
sure, thats why i didnt bother having it removed, leaving it for others to laugh as hysterically as i did. hah di hah.
on to the next one. who's turn is it now?

Coming back from a little holiday to see a sensitive Ayesha. :rolleyes:

It must be nice to have the power to "have post removed", I feel flattered. Thank G-d I have a sense of humour, the same that have been a pillar of Jewish survival throughout the persecution from Pharao to Jihadist.

Really you should chill out, it is not good for your heart to be so stressed. haaaaa ok here is a joke for you so you don't feel persecuted:

Moshe is having a discussion with Jacob

Moshe: Jacob I have problems

Jacob: What my friend?

Moshe: Well you know my son?

Jacob: If I know your son? Of course I know Yonathan, he was so
sweet when...

Moshe: Jacob, listen! I sent Yonathan to Israel, to study in a Yeshiva, and he came back 3 month later a Christian.

Jacob: Incredible! I must tell you something, you know my son?

Moshe: If I know your son? Of course I know David, I remember him as.....

Jacob: Moshe, Listen! I sent my son last year, in Israel, to study the Torah and he came back 6 month later a Christian.

Moshe: Unbelievable! We must talk to the rabbi.

So they went to the Rabbi and they explained the situation.

Rabbi: Aie aie aie, you know my son?

Moshe: No, not him! He hasn't converted to Christianism in Israel

Rabbi: YES! I don't know what to do but in light of similar stories within the community, we must go and phone G-d. After 10 minutes explanations:

Rabbi: You understand my predicament, how can this be possible.

G-d: I really don't know. But rabbi, I must tell you something. Do you know my son?

[Mercury]

Originally posted by yoyo
Coming back from a little holiday to see a sensitive Ayesha. :rolleyes:

It must be nice to have the power to "have post removed", I feel flattered. Thank G-d I have a sense of humour, the same that have been a pillar of Jewish survival throughout the persecution from Pharao to Jihadist.


I wonder if you would show the same sense of humour if someone like Pharao would tell a joke about jews in the same spirit as the one you told. Personally, if I had been in Ayesha's place, I would feel offended. In fact, I still feel offended that the jewish moderators didn't bother to remove it. I think this serves to discredit the forum and the country it aims to defend. Btw, Ayesha, I don't think you should hesitate to use your position on such occasions.

Originally posted by MichaelC
How old are you anyway? Perhaps a decade or two more experience with the demands of the world will allow you to see that not eveyone is expressing hatred or disrepect for you when they laugh.


I don't know your age, Michael, but here is the simple fact of life - jokes at each other's expense are a normal thing between friends, but between strangers it's just rude.

[yoyo]

Originally posted by Mercury
I wonder if you would show the same sense of humour if someone like Pharao would tell a joke about jews in the same spirit as the one you told.

Hummm.... Oh Great Wise Intelligent One, are you comparing me to Pharao? Never had a kingdom, never persecuted the muslims, I can assure you :rolleyes:

Originally posted by Mercury
I don't know your age, Michael, but here is the simple fact of life - jokes at each other's expense are a normal thing between friends, but between strangers it's just rude.

In this case he shouldn't read a "Joke and Parody" thread, as there is almost nil chance that people would be "friends". I would prefer the muslims (yeah I know it is a minority netherteless growing and substancial) to say joke about Jews than going for their idiocy of a "jihad". I'll prefer for them to say jokes about Moses than to write that somehow we make matzot with arab or goyim virigin teenage blood and stupidely beleive it. To conclude, I rather prefer them to see the irony in equating zionism with racism when it is precisely under [Jewish] Zionism that Jews and Arabs live as equal.

Ever seen Jakob The Liar with Robin Williams?

[MichaelC]

Originally posted by Mercury
I wonder if you would show the same sense of humour if someone like Pharao would tell a joke about jews in the same spirit as the one you told. Personally, if I had been in Ayesha's place, I would feel offended. In fact, I still feel offended that the jewish moderators didn't bother to remove it. I think this serves to discredit the forum and the country it aims to defend. Btw, Ayesha, I don't think you should hesitate to use your position on such occasions.



I don't know your age, Michael, but here is the simple fact of life - jokes at each other's expense are a normal thing between friends, but between strangers it's just rude.
The joke was amusing and if someone thinks it wasn't, well , I guess they should not tell it to anyone else.

I don't want humorless people who don't seem to get it to be in charge of telling me what I can and cannot have fun with.

Again, the joke in question is very mild and no different than ones I've heard making fun of my ancestry or my religious beliefs.

Lighten up.

[ibrodsky]

Originally posted by ayesha
sure, thats why i didnt bother having it removed, leaving it for others to laugh as hysterically as i did. hah di hah.
on to the next one. who's turn is it now?

ayesha, I asked two people I consider experts on good manners: my wife and daughter.

They both feel the joke was "inappropriate" and they understand why you were offended.

I think we tend to tolerate rude jokes about Jews because... if the worst thing people did to us was tell jokes at our expense it would be an improvement.

But that doesn't give us the right to be thoughtless towards our friends.

[MichaelC]

Originally posted by Donna
Students in both Jewish and Catholic parochial schools were asked to write about the Bible. These are some of the responses:

(OLD TESTAMENT HISTORY)

In the first book of the Bible, Guinness, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached the UK.

Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.

King David fought with the Finkelesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

(NEW TESTAMENT HISTORY)

When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an emasculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

According to the Bible, A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
I've been meaning to thank you for putting these up here. I'm sure somebody was probably offended. Not me. I've sent it out to more than one person.

[porcupine]

Can someone please explain to me, without any reference to the joke itself, what's wrong in being a servant; working for somebody as a servant?
It is an HONEST and ADMIRABLE job!


People, STOP APOLOGISING FOR EVERYTHING. Especially for jokes. Maybe next thing you should do is apologising for the fact that you are breathing.

[Johnny Yuma]

An Irishman leaves a bar.

[ibrodsky]

Originally posted by yoyo
Hummm.... Oh Great Wise Intelligent One, are you comparing me to Pharao? Never had a kingdom, never persecuted the muslims, I can assure you :rolleyes:

I'm not sure if you realize that "Pharaoh" is another participant here. He claims he has nothing against Judaism, but it's clear he wants to see Israel destroyed.

Mercury wasn't comparing you to him, he was asking if you are really sure you wouldn't be offended if Pharaoh told jokes about Jews.


In this case he shouldn't read a "Joke and Parody" thread, as there is almost nil chance that people would be "friends". I would prefer the muslims (yeah I know it is a minority netherteless growing and substancial) to say joke about Jews than going for their idiocy of a "jihad". I'll prefer for them to say jokes about Moses than to write that somehow we make matzot with arab or goyim virigin teenage blood and stupidely beleive it. To conclude, I rather prefer them to see the irony in equating zionism with racism when it is precisely under [Jewish] Zionism that Jews and Arabs live as equal.

Surely if they told the blood libel in the form of a joke it would be OK with you, right?

Then again, the truest things are said in jest.

[porcupine]

Originally posted by MichaelC
Political or, in this case, religious correctness, reduces everything to the lowest common denominator. Whatever might possibly offend the person with the thinnest skin and the most humorless outlook is VERBOTEN . Well, some of us are Jews who live Israel, and therefore offend Pharaoh to the extreme. Maybe all Jews who live in Israel should stand up and stop breathing?
And do it QUICK, People! We are talking here about MANNERS!!!

[ibrodsky]

Originally posted by porcupine
Can someone please explain to me, without any reference to the joke itself, what's wrong in being a servant; working for somebody as a servant?
It is an HONEST and ADMIRABLE job!

Nonsense. Being a servant is not dishonorable, but who aspires to be a servant? I'm sure you much prefer to be the one waited on.

[porcupine]

Originally posted by ibrodsky
Nonsense. Being a servant is not dishonorable, but who aspires to be a servant? I'm sure you much prefer to be the one waited on.

Did it ever occur to you that it might be your problem that you see the job of a servant as demeaning? I will prefer to have ANY job, servant or otherwise, than no job at all, any day of the week. There is NOTHING wrong in being a servant. As far as I'm concerned it's a TOP CLASS job!

[ibrodsky]

Sadly, some people see nothing wrong with off-color jokes and vulgar language. They are perfectly content to have low standards.

...

I have a story I'd like to share.

Many years ago I worked in an office. There was one other Jew--he was the CEO. I don't remember the exact circumstances but he departed. Suddenly I was the only Jew.

One day we had an office party, but not all of us could fit in the same area. I was just around the corner with the rest of my department. One of the executives in the main area was speaking about a sales rep who had been in a car accident. Though it was allegedly the other driver's fault, the sales rep was the one being sued. Someone interjected that the rep's car was built like a tank. Another person asked what hit him. A senior VP shouted "Jewish lightning!" Everyone laughed.

Call me thin-skinned, but I was offended. I've often wondered if he would have said that had he seen me. Worse, I wonder how I would have reacted had I been up front.

You can tell me the best lawyers are Jews and there is nothing wrong with getting and using good legal representation. But we all know the "joke" equated being Jewish with being unethical.

...

You can pretend that a joke depicting Mohammed as a servant is meant as a complement. We all know the "joke" is that even the most esteemed Muslim would be low man on the totem pole in Judeo-Christian society. Not surprisingly, this "joke" brought out a much uglier comment that had to be deleted.

[MichaelC]

Originally posted by ibrodsky
Sadly, some people see nothing wrong with off-color jokes and vulgar language. They are perfectly content to have low standards.

...

I have a story I'd like to share.

Many years ago I worked in an office. There was one other Jew--he was the CEO. I don't remember the exact circumstances but he departed. Suddenly I was the only Jew.

One day we had an office party, but not all of us could fit in the same area. I was just around the corner with the rest of my department. One of the executives in the main area was speaking about a sales rep who had been in a car accident. Though it was allegedly the other driver's fault, the sales rep was the one being sued. Someone interjected that the rep's car was built like a tank. Another person asked what hit him. A senior VP shouted "Jewish lightning!" Everyone laughed.

Call me thin-skinned, but I was offended. I've often wondered if he would have said that had he seen me. Worse, I wonder how I would have reacted had I been up front.

You can tell me the best lawyers are Jews and there is nothing wrong with getting and using good legal representation. But we all know the "joke" equated being Jewish with being unethical.

...

You can pretend that a joke depicting Mohammed as a servant is meant as a complement. We all know the "joke" is that even the most esteemed Muslim would be low man on the totem pole in Judeo-Christian society. Not surprisingly, this "joke" brought out a much uglier comment that had to be deleted.
And, perhaps the humor could be taken in a somewhat different fashion, for instance: Our icons may turn out, when all is said and done, to be of a somewhat different nature than we may have imagined them. In the end, all are the servants of God, and we may have to adjust our thinking a bit.

I understand that Jesus Christ was reputed to have washed the feet of his desciples on the eve of his death as an indication that they should view the Kingdom of God as realm of service rather than a way of attaining stature. Not that anyone paid any attention to all that.

And too, though Jacob was probably quite ticked off at Laban, he did not seem to consider it beneath his dignity to serve him for fourteen years to obtain the wife that he desired. The tenacity of his service has been an inspiration ever since.

Your standards, Ibrodsky, are certainly estimable, and you are an honorable man for living by elevated standards. But, perhaps there are some who are "offended" by your implication that their standards are not up to yours.

I sincerely have no intention of offending you but, given the nature of the conversation thus far, I may well have done so.

[andak01]

http://toostupidtobepresident.com/shockwave/rumsfeld.htm

Top 11 proposed emoticons for George W. Bush:
11. Dunce <|:-(

10. Evil dunce <):-(

9. Evil dunce choking on a pretzel <);>(&]

8. Compassionate conservative ((:,>o

7. Don't mess with Texas c)\\;>j

6. Born again George O ((:>)

5. Ronald Reagan wanna be @((:^b3

4. King George 3]\\;>j

3. His DUI arrest photo ))%>P

2. Evil dunce lying about WMD <|7\\;>?

And the number one proposed emoticon for George W. Bush...

1. Evil dunce not getting "re-elected" <|7X>(

[sharonbn]

Who said Islam is not advancing with technology?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/3100143.stm

[MichaelC]

Originally posted by sharonbn
Who said Islam is not advancing with technology?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/3100143.stm
Wow, they are making progress. Used to be, I've heard, you had to walk around the tent three times. A guy could get winded doing that, but this will take the strain off.

[Johnny Yuma]

Originally posted by ibrodsky
C'mon MichaelC. You know better than that.

The "joke" was not that we are all servants of God. It was that in heaven Christians run one level, Jews another, and Mohammed is a bus boy just like so many immigrant Mohammeds here on earth.

If you agree high standards are better than low standards, get with the program.

Okay. That reminds me of a joke....

St. Peter has greeted a new group of arrivals to Heaven and invites them to follow him into a long hall. They had already passed many doors while walking down the hall and everyone of them was laughing and talking to one another of the wonders they had seen, when suddenly, Peter turns around and waving his hands down says to the group, "Everyone be as quiet as possible when we come to then next door and pass by." The crowd settles down and tip-toes past the door.

As soon as they had all passed the door, one of the group tapped Peter on the shoulder and asked, "Why did you tell us to be quiet when we went by that door?" Peter answered, "Oh... that's where the Mormans are. They think they're the only ones up here...."

[Johnny Yuma]

Originally posted by Revkha
When I heard that joke years ago it was "Baptist" not "Mormons." Did you know that the Mormons were posthumously baptizing Jews who had died including Einstein and Anne Frank. When the Jews complained the Mormons said they would stop. Who knows if they really did

No. I had not heard that, but I know why they do it, and I shall tell.....

In the New Testament, Paul was scolding the Corinthians for baptising the dead by proxy. They, meaning the Mormans, frequently reference that passage as evidence that it was a "temple ordinance." They reinstated it as a ritual in their temples, along with that of being "sealed" to your wife, and children, "for all time and eternity".

In the Morman belief, the ultimate goal is to become a diety. It is one of the "three levels of exaltation"; one of the Sun, one of the Moon, and one of the stars; diety, telestial, and angelic, respectively. In other words, you're going to be a G_d, a servant of G_d, or an angel.

In order to become a diety, one of the requirements is to come from a lineage of priests; the other is the being sealed thingie I mentioned. However, since every male member of the sect is in the priesthood, you must be a member of the sect, and, in order to be a member of the sect, you have to be baptised by "the proper authority", translated, "the church"; the Morman church. And, since baptism is "an Earthly ordinance" that can only be performed on this planet -according to their teachings- and not something that is done in heaven, they re-baptize those that have passed on, by proxy; ergo, by the "proper authority".

It gets better.....

They teach that Jesus (AKA Jehova) was, at one time, before he became the G_d of this planet, a mere mortal who was the son of Elohim. Elohim, according to their teaching, reigns over a planet called Kolob; a thousand times the size of Earth.

Got a Morman friend? Ask them to confirm or deny what I have written.....

[andak01]

Now you have an idea of how I feel vis a vis the Shiites.

[Revkha]

Originally posted by Johnny Yuma
No. I had not heard that, but I know why they do it, and I shall tell.....

In the New Testament, Paul was scolding the Corinthians for baptising the dead by proxy. They, meaning the Mormans, frequently reference that passage as evidence that it was a "temple ordinance." They reinstated it as a ritual in their temples, along with that of being "sealed" to your wife, and children, "for all time and eternity".

In the Morman belief, the ultimate goal is to become a diety. It is one of the "three levels of exaltation"; one of the Sun, one of the Moon, and one of the stars; diety, telestial, and angelic, respectively. In other words, you're going to be a G_d, a servant of G_d, or an angel.

In order to become a diety, one of the requirements is to come from a lineage of priests; the other is the being sealed thingie I mentioned. However, since every male member of the sect is in the priesthood, you must be a member of the sect, and, in order to be a member of the sect, you have to be baptised by "the proper authority", translated, "the church"; the Morman church. And, since baptism is "an Earthly ordinance" that can only be performed on this planet -according to their teachings- and not something that is done in heaven, they re-baptize those that have passed on, by proxy; ergo, by the "proper authority".

It gets better.....

They teach that Jesus (AKA Jehova) was, at one time, before he became the G_d of this planet, a mere mortal who was the son of Elohim. Elohim, according to their teaching, reigns over a planet called Kolob; a thousand times the size of Earth.

Got a Morman friend? Ask them to confirm or deny what I have written.....

This will take some intellectual digestion before I can respond. Are you sure this is not a plot from an old Star Trek show. Maybe involving the Romulans and the Klingons. It just sounds so familiar.

[Revkha]

Originally posted by andak01
Now you have an idea of how I feel vis a vis the Shiites.

???

[Johnny Yuma]

Originally posted by andak01
Now you have an idea of how I feel vis a vis the Shiites.

Bewildered..... he asked, "Huh?"

[Johnny Yuma]

Originally posted by Revkha
This will take some intellectual digestion before I can respond. Are you sure this is not a plot from an old Star Trek show. Maybe involving the Romulans and the Klingons. It just sounds so familiar.

No sir. True. Every word.

They also teach that during the reign of Zedachiah (sp.), just prior to the Babylonian captivity, a man and his sons split the middle east and headed west. Along the way they met and married the daughters of an "Ishmael".

They continued west until they reached the shore of an ocean. At this location they were instructed by G_d to build what is described to be a boat that traveled underwater and was internally illuminated by stones that glowed. They used this craft to voyage, underwater, to this continent.

When they reached the Americas, they found the ruins of a civilization that was built by Enoch and his descendants; the Jaredites. However, at the time of their find, the Jaredites had killed off one another.

Eventually, these people, the ones that traveled to the Americas by "sub", split into two warring civilizations; the Nephites and the Lamanites. The Lamanites finally wiped out the Nephites.

Maroni, the last Nephite, was the entity that appeared to Joseph Smith as an angel and revealed to him the location of the place where the brass and golden plates were hidden. Along with these were hidden a breast plate that contained the urim and thumin. Using this breastplate ,Joseph Smith is purported to have translated these plates into at least two books; known today as The Book Of Morman, and The Doctrine And Covenants.

Just a little more.....

The Mormans teach that America is the promised land. They, also, teach that the original garden of Eden is in America.

I mentioned the Lamanites. The Mormans teach that the American Indians are "the remnants" (read descendants) of the Lamanites, and, that the Lamanites had the mark of Cain. Ergo, dark skin was the mark of Cain and was used as the exclusionary excuse for blacks and people of color from holding the priesthood. I understand that, although this has been dropped from the "official" teachings, it is still a widely held belief among the sect.

[Communication]

Let's make fun everybody....

God went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will
make your lives better."

And the Germans asked, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shalt not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments."

And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments?" they said, "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."

[MichaelC]

Originally posted by Communication
Let's make fun everybody....

God went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will
make your lives better."

And the Germans asked, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shalt not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments."

And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments?" they said, "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."
Pretty funny, Commo.

[Johnny Yuma]

Wifespeak [=] English
------------------------------------
* You want [=] You want
* We need [=] I want
* It's your decision [=] The correct decision should be obvious by now
* Do what you want [=] You'll pay for this later
* We need to talk [=] I need to complain
* Sure... go ahead [=] I don't want you to.
* I'm not upset [=] Of course I'm upset, you moron.
* You're ... so manly [=] You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
* You're certainly attentive tonight. [=] Is sex all you ever think about?
* Be romantic, turn out the lights. [=] I have flabby thighs.
* This kitchen is so inconvenient [=] I want a new house.
* I want new curtains [=] and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
* I need wedding shoes [=] the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
* Hang the picture there[=] NO, I mean hang it there!
* I heard a noise [=] I noticed you were almost asleep.
* Do you love me? [=] I'm going to ask for something expensive.
* How much do you love me? [=] I did something today you're really not going to like.
* I'll be ready in a minute. [=] Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
* Is my butt fat? [=] Tell me I'm beautiful.
* You have to learn to communicate. [=] Just agree with me.
* Are you listening to me!? [=] [Too late, your dead.]
* Yes [=] No
* No [=] No
* Maybe [=] No
* I'm sorry. [=] You'll be sorry.
* Do you like this recipe? [=] It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
* Was that the baby ? [=] Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
* I'm not yelling! [=] Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
* All we're going to buy is a soap dish [=] It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGIOD there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

[Donna]

You forgot one:

*I will make your life a living Hell [=]

I will make your life a living Hell.

:D


Originally posted by Johnny Yuma
Wifespeak [=] English
------------------------------------
* You want [=] You want
* We need [=] I want
* It's your decision [=] The correct decision should be obvious by now
* Do what you want [=] You'll pay for this later
* We need to talk [=] I need to complain
* Sure... go ahead [=] I don't want you to.
* I'm not upset [=] Of course I'm upset, you moron.
* You're ... so manly [=] You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
* You're certainly attentive tonight. [=] Is sex all you ever think about?
* Be romantic, turn out the lights. [=] I have flabby thighs.
* This kitchen is so inconvenient [=] I want a new house.
* I want new curtains [=] and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
* I need wedding shoes [=] the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
* Hang the picture there[=] NO, I mean hang it there!
* I heard a noise [=] I noticed you were almost asleep.
* Do you love me? [=] I'm going to ask for something expensive.
* How much do you love me? [=] I did something today you're really not going to like.
* I'll be ready in a minute. [=] Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
* Is my butt fat? [=] Tell me I'm beautiful.
* You have to learn to communicate. [=] Just agree with me.
* Are you listening to me!? [=] [Too late, your dead.]
* Yes [=] No
* No [=] No
* Maybe [=] No
* I'm sorry. [=] You'll be sorry.
* Do you like this recipe? [=] It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
* Was that the baby ? [=] Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
* I'm not yelling! [=] Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
* All we're going to buy is a soap dish [=] It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGIOD there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

[Johnny Yuma]

Originally posted by Donna
You forgot one:

*I will make your life a living Hell [=]

I will make your life a living Hell.

:D

I didn't write them, but I am fairly fluent with the language.

*That's cute (an object) [=] I want that.
*That's cute (something you said) [=] That's absurd.
*She's cute [=] I'd like to break her nose and fix that.
*He's cute [=] Oh baby!
*Oh please! [=] What you said is correct but I must try and make you feel stupid, lest you forget I am superior.
*I'll be home around six-ish [=] Look for me around nine.

[Donna]

Originally posted by Communication
*You don't like women? [=] Wha happened? You seemed so charming.


Aw, I think ol' JY is just trying to act all crusty to cover his soft insides.

Hey I liked the one about the commandments! :)

[Johnny Yuma]

Originally posted by Communication
*You don't like women? [=] Wha happened? You seemed so charming.

Oh no. I thought this was the joke and parody thread..

You know... it would probably be a good move to remove this thread from the forum. The reason I say this is because I've noticed that the jokes that get posted here oftentimes offend at least one person. Then, that person posts his or her dislike or expression of hurt feelings, or makes a leap as to the poster's likes or dislikes. That leads to a flurry of others posting their support of that person's feelings, and that goes on, until someone else posts another joke, and the cycle starts all over again.

In the case of what I posted, there was no ulterior motive or intention to reveal my likes or dislikes. It was simply a joke. My wife gave it to me, along with her collection of blonde jokes, which, by the way, she happens to be; both a woman and blonde. So it was a toss up of which I was going to post. Either way, I, apparently, would have chosen poorly.

But to answer your question; yes. I like women, very much. Especially if they're properly cooked..... :D

[Communication]

Did anybody see the Seinfeld episode where the dentist converted to Judaism so that he could tell jokes about Jews? Jerry went to the guys priest to talk to him in the confessional about it. The priest said, "I understand, this offends you as a Jewish person?" Jerry said, "No, it offends me as a comedian." :p :p

[MichaelC]

Originally posted by Johnny Yuma
Step up to the heap and burn like mesquite......, word.
Don't say I didn't warn you:

"I said to the waiter at Ha Sims, "Are there any Chinese Jews?".

He went away and when he returned he told me, "no, there's only apple jews, orange jews, mango jews and guava jews..."

[Communication]

In Jerusalem, a CNN reporter heard about an old Jew
who's been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a
day, everyday, for his adult life. She watches him
pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to
leave, she approaches him for an interview.

" Rebecca Smith, CNN News, Sir, how long have you
been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying? "

" For more than 50 years. "

"What do you pray for? "

" For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all
the hatred to stop. For our children to grow up in
safety and friendship."

" How do you feel after doing this for over 50 years?"

" Like I'm talking to a f***ing wall."

[frizzer1]

Now that Saddam's sons Uday & Qusay are gone, some lesser-known
siblings have been discovered :


The Brothers:
Guday...............the half-Australian brother
Soufflé ............the restauranteur
Huray...............the sports fanatic
Sashay..............the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother
Sayhay..............the baseball player
Ojay................the stalker/murderer
Gulay...............the singer/entertainer
Ebay................the internet czar
Biliray.............the country music star
Ecksray.............the radiologist
Puray...............the blender factory owner
Regay...............the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay...............the one with bad hair


The Sisters :
Lattay..............the coffee shop owner
Bufay...............the 300 pound sister
Dushay..............the clean sister
Phayray.............the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway............the grocery store owner
Olay................the half-mexican sister
Gudlay..............the prostitute
--------------------------------------------------------


[There's also Oyvey, but the family doesn't
like to talk about him].

[humus_sapiens]

On the day eight God started debugging.

[sharonbn]

Manspeak [=] English

* I'm hungry [=] I'm hungry
* I'm sleepy [=] I'm sleepy
* I'm tired [=] I'm tired
* Nice dress [=] Nice cleavage!
* I'm bored [=] Do you want to have sex?
* May I have this dance? [=] I'd eventually like to have sex with you
* Can I call you sometime? [=] I'd eventually like to have sex with you
* Do you want to go to a movie? [=] I'd eventually like to have sex with you
* Can I take you out to dinner? [=] I'd eventually like to have sex with you
* You look tense, let me give you a massage [=] I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes
* Let's talk [=] I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
* I love you, too [=] Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex ^now!^
* What's wrong [=] I guess sex tonight is out of the question
* Will you marry me? [=] I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other men
* I don't think those shoes go with that outfit [=] I am gay

[Johnny Yuma]

Originally posted by sharonbn
Manspeak [=] English

* I don't think those shoes go with that outfit [=] I am gay

:D :D :D

Too funny!

[frizzer1]

A baal teshuva gets hagba his first time in shul. They tell him to pick up
the Torah so he grabs it in a bear hug. They tell him to lift it by the
poles so he tries and almost drops it. Humiliated, he joins a gym and
lifts weights. He comes back three months later bulging with muscle. They
call him again and he opens the Torah 5 amudim, lifts it high over his
head, turns it around to face the crowd, rolls it up all by himself and
asks the gabbai, "How was that?"
The gabbai says, "Most amazing shlishi I ever saw."

[Canajew]

I'm only telling a joke so that I can subscribe to this thread. i don't know how without posting so...

Jesus and Moses are sitting together in a boat in the sea of galilee.

Moses says to Jesus, "wouldn't it be cool if we could still do our old miracles."

Jesus responds, "sure lets try, but you first. i don't want to get dad angry playing around with this sort of thing."

So Moses stands up, draws out his staff and holds it to the sky. At this, the sea parts and the boat slowly descends to the bottom."

"Awsome", Jesus, replies, now let me try. So Moses returns the lake to its former state, and Jesus stands up.

"I will walk back to shore and get us something to eat, my friend," says Jesus. Jesus then stands up, takes a step over the side of the boat, and quickly sinks to the bottom.

Moses, seeing that the miracle was unsuccessful, quickly stands up, raises his staff, parts the sea, and retrieves a wet and sputtering Jesus from the bottom."

Jesus, believing that this was an anomalous event, decides to try again. he is met by the same quick-sink to the bottom.

After fishing him out for a second time, Jesus exasperatedly says to Moses, "I don't understand. We are both blessed with miracles from God. Why is it that yours continue to work, while mine do not."

Moses ponders this question for a few seconds, and arrives at his conclusion.

"Well," says Moses, "last time you tried you didn't have holes in your feet."

[Mediocrates]

The Brains Trust
Trust us | We know
Vol. 3 | No. 67 | 3 October 2003

Science FRENCH "LAUNCH TOASTER" ONTO MOON

The French Government today denied reports that the launch of a Moulinex "Multislice 2000" toaster to the moon was "un cock-up formidable" and claimed that it was the successful next step of their plan to export French culinary excellence to "all parts of the world - and beyond."

Scientists from NASA expressed surprise earlier when it emerged that reports of the launch of a "toaster sized object" to the moon referred, in fact, to an actual toaster. Many pointed out the atmospheric and gravitational difficulties likely to be encountered by a toaster on the surface of the moon, remarking that the likelihood of achieving the ideal lightly grilled slice of bread was "very remote". However, Pierre Lafarge, spokesman for the recently set up French Institute of Culinary Exploration, dismissed these concerns as "plain sour grapes" after the aborted US attempt to set up a covert branch of McDonalds on the Mir space laboratory.

"war-mongering head"
"Just because they were unable to get a glass helmet large enough to fit over Ronald McDonald's enormous swollen capitalist, war-mongering head, they think no one else can start to produce excellent patisserie products and quality croque monsieur in the endless eternity of space," claimed Mr Lafarge. Mr Lafarge went on to explain that the launch of the toaster was merely the first step on the road to start to build a preliminary kitchen ultimately leading to a "fully equipped restaurant able to seat a minimum of 40 covers and achieve at least one Michelin floret."

"Gauloise smoking explorers"
It is understood that the concept was developed after difficulties emerged in attempting to recruit French astronauts. Although many French men expressed a desire to go into space in order to discuss the condition of mankind and ponder deep philosophical questions, few were prepared to put up with the typical conditions encountered by most astronauts. "Most of them were exceptionally keen until they saw the diet and clothes they were expected to wear," explained Mr Lafarge. "Many also objected to the no smoking regime encountered on the launch rocket, and we had several unfortunate mishaps with Gauloise smoking explorers inadvertently setting fire to 4 million litres of super-cooled hydrogen."

"oversized polka-dot"
As a result, the French have embarked on a set of activities to overcome these difficulties. Jean-Paul Gaultier has designed a new astronaut suit, which he claims "discards the conservative anglo-saxonism" of typical NASA suits in favour of a "looser bias cut, with oversized polka-dot pattern and co-ordinating shoes and hat." NASA concerns that the suit appeared to offer "no protection against the lack of atmosphere or UV radiation" have been dismissed by Mr Gaultier, who explained that he "wasn't surprised there was no atmosphere if an astronaut turned up to a party looking like that. And what is the point of going all that way if you can't get a good sun-tan?"

The French are expected to reveal designs for their new moon rocket shortly. Reports that it will resemble a massive bicycle with fuels tanks modelled on an enormous string of onions remain unconfirmed.

[Mediocrates]

An old Jewish man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Saul, who used to help him, was in prison for Insider Trading and Stock Fraud.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Solly: I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Papa
A few days later the old man received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa, For heaven's sake Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the money & stocks.
Love, Solly.
At 4 am the next morning, a team of FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire garden area without finding any money or stocks. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Your son, Solly.

[Frans_1]

Do you have this book ?

"Encylopedia of Jewish humor, from Biblical times to the Modern age" by Henry D Spalding.

My copy is the 1979 edition.

From the jokes about Anti-semites.

"The Story is told of the time when Israel Zangwill left London for Berlin to conduct some Zionist business. While in the German city he went into a restaurant and, because the place was crowded, he sat at a table occupied by two anti-Semitic hausfraus.
They glared at him as he oppened a Yiddish newspaper and one of them remarked to the other, "Isn't there any place at all where a German can go without meeting a Jew?"
The unsolicited reply came from Mr Zangwill : " Madam, you might try to go to hell!"

Hope I haven't repeated the joke as I didn't read the whole thread. :)

[Frans_1]

From the same section :

__________________________________________________ ___
A couple of Jews were exchanging uncomplimentary remarks about Schickelgruber.

"What would please me most," said one, "is that Hitler should be changed into a lamp."

"Why so?"

"Because I would see him hang during the day, burn at night, and be extinguished in the morning"
__________________________________________________ ____

[Mediocrates]

My rabbi was on a flight that was getting kicked around by bad weather. The woman next to him said

"You're a man of God d'ya think you can't get Him to cool it?"


My Rabbi said

"You need senior management, I'm only marketing!"

[Frans_1]

Hyman Edelson, the well to do grocer, was a pleasant sort of chap, but he hated to pay the asking price for anything.
One day, while eating herring, a bone became lodged in his throat. He could neither swallow nor disgorge it, and within moments he could scarcely breathe. His wife hurriedly called the family doctor who arrived just as the patient's face was turning blue. The physician quickly removed the bone with a pair of forceps.
When Edelson recovered and was again breathing normally, he was overwhelmed with gratitude, but he cautiously asked, "How much so I owe you for this little two minutes work?"
The doctor was well acquainted with the grocers miserly nature. "I'll tell you what," he said, "Just pay me half of what you would have given when the bone was still stuck in your throat."

[humus_sapiens]

A guys (G) comes to his shrink (S):

G: Doc, I had a dream last night. I saw my mother, but she had your face and your voice. I woke up, couldn't sleep the rest of the night. In the morning I had a cup of coffee with a toast and ran here to find out what could this mean?
S: Only a cup of coffee and a toast? You call it breakfast?

[Elisheba]

A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying over the Pacific Ocean when the engines stop functioning. The plane crash lands on a Pacific Island and the three are immediately captured by a tribe of cannibals and taken to their village. The Chief tells the three captives that these cannibals are civilized and they have a custom on their island that before they eat anyone, they grant that person his or her last wishes--no matter what they are. He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?" The Texan replies: "I want a 2 inch thick steak with all the trimmings, Cajun fries and a case of Budweiser Beer."

The Chief motions to some of his tribesmen who immediately runs into the jungle and come back with the steak, the fries and the beer. The Texan eats his meal and he is thrown in the cooking pot.
The Frenchman is asked: "What is your last wish?"

He replies: "I would like a case of Dom Perignon and I would also like a big plate of escargots cooked in the French manner."

The Chief motions to his tribesmen who immediately rushes off into the jungle and bring back everything the Frenchman asked for. He eats and drinks his fill, and he is then thrown in the cooking pot.

The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is your wish?"

The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and replies: "I want you to kick me as hard as you can." The Chief is bewildered and asks the Israeli again, only to receive the same reply. "I want you to kick me as hard as you can." The Chief shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to turn around, and kicks him as hard as he can. With that, the Israeli pulls out a gun and kills the Chief and all of the other cannibals.

The Texan and the Frenchman get out of the pot, look at the Israeli and say: "If you had that gun why did not you do anything sooner?"

The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN, the European Union, and the US State Department for overreacting to insufficient provocation?"

[Elisheba]

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign ÒSpeedbird 206Ó:

Speedbird 206: ÒTop of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway.Ó

Ground: ÒGuten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate.Ó

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: ÒSpeedbird, do you not know where you are going?Ó

Speedbird 206: ÒStand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.Ó

Ground (with arrogant impatience): ÒSpeedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?Ó

Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop.Ó

[frizzer1]

Yiddish was the secret code, therefore I don't farshtaist,
A bisseleh maybe here and there, the rest has gone to waste.
Sadly when I hear it now, I only get the gist,
My Bubbeh spoke it beautifully; but me, I am tsemisht.

So och un vai as I should say, or even oy vai iz mir,
Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish, it's familiar to my ear.
And I'm no Chaim Yonkel , in fact I was shtick naches,
But, when it comes to Yiddish though, I'm talking out my tuchas.

Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I don't know it better
Though it's really nishtkefelecht when one needs to write a letter)
But, when it comes to characters, there's really no contention,
No other linguist can compete with honorable mentshen:

They have nebbishes and nebechels and others without mazel,
Then, too, schmendriks and schlemiels, and let's not forget schlemazel.
These words are so precise and descriptive to the listener,
So much better than "a pill " is to call someone 'farbissener'.

Or - that a brazen woman would be better called chaleria,
And you'll agree farklempt says more than does hysteria.
I'm not haken dir a tsheinik and I hope I'm not a kvetch,
But isn't mieskeit kinder, than to call someone a wretch?

Mitten derinnen, I hear Bubbeh say, "It's nechtiker tog, don't fear,
To me you're still a maven, zol zein shah, don't fill my ear.
A leben ahf dein keppele, I don't mean to interrupt,
But you are speaking narishkeit.....And A gezunt auf dein kup!"

GLOSSARY
Farshtaist = (Do You?) Understand
Bisseleh = A little
Tsemisht = Confused or mixed up
Och un vai = Alas and alack
Oi vai iz mir = Woe is me
Pisk = mouth
Naches = Joy, Gratification
Shandeh far di kinder = A pity/shame for the children
Nishtkefelecht = Not so terribleNebbishes = A nobody or simpleton
Nebechels = A pititful person or playing the role of being one
Schlemiel = Clumsy bungler, an inept person, butter-fingered; dopey person
Schmendrik = Nincompoop; an inept or indifferent person; same as chlemiel
Schlemazel = Luckless person. Unlucky person; one with perpetual bad luck
it is said that the shlemiel spills the soup on the Shlimazel!)
Farbissener = Embittered; bitter person
Chaleria = Evil woman. Probably derived from cholera.
Farklempt = Too emotional to talk. Ready to cry.
Haken dir a tsheinik = Don't get on your nerves (Lit., Don't bang your
teapot!)
Kvetch = Whine, complain; whiner, a complainer
Mieskeit = Ugly
Mitten derinnen = All of a sudden, suddenly
Nechtiker tog! = He's (it's) gone! Forget it! Nonsense!
Lit., a night's day)
Zol zein shah! = Be quiet. Shut up!!
Leben ahf dein keppele = Words of praise like; Well said! Well done!
(Lit., A long life upon your head.)
Narishkeit = Nonsense

[humus_sapiens]

Jewish mother answering machine.

If you want chicken soup, press 1.
If you want matzoh balls, press 2.
If you want knishes, press 3.
If you want to know how I am feeling, you got the wrong number, because nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.

* * *

An old Armenian at his death bed gives his last wishes to his children:
- Most of all, protect the Jews!
- What?!
- You heard me right. If the Jews are gone, you'll be next.

[Oh Jerusalem]

Originally posted by sharonbn
In Google , Type in "miserable failure" and press "I'm feeling lucky"
Well, it's defintely funny.

I just wonder whether Clinton got the same PR when he was in office.

[Donna]

Originally posted by frizzer1
If you've never found Saturday Nite Live funny you probably aren't old enough to have seen Chevy Chase,Gilda Radner and Eddie Murray on that show.And if you are,then you don't know funny.Ackroyd & Belushi not funny? Come on....
As to american humour,it's just like ours Kev.I don't know where you're coming from on this one...Unless you're french,there is no difference between canadians and americans when it comes to humour.
Could you be one of those who find Dave Broadbent funny?
Egads. :)

I'm with you frizzer! Who could forget Bass-O-Matic, "Jane, you ignorant slut!", The Coneheads (who were really from France) and so many other memorable skits and characters?

Over the years, some of the casts have been...er, less than stellar, and some downright annoying, but SNL really has been a showcase of funny.

Man, I miss Phil Hartman. That guy was so talented.

[Oh Jerusalem]

Originally posted by Donna
I'm with you frizzer! Who could forget Bass-O-Matic, "Jane, you ignorant slut!", The Coneheads (who were really from France) and so many other memorable skits and characters?

Over the years, some of the casts have been...er, less than stellar, and some downright annoying, but SNL really has been a showcase of funny.

Man, I miss Phil Hartman. That guy was so talented.
"Land shark".
http://ultrawarp.com/chevy/snl/land%20shark.jpg





.................................................. . Never mind! :D

[Mediocrates]

Ariel Sharon - "The important thing is to shovel the entire width and
breadth of the driveway, regardless of what anyone else thinks."


Ehud Barak - "You must shovel most of the driveway, but the exact
dimensions of shoveling will be determined in discussions with our
neighbors. No wait, you can shovel only in places where snow had previously
fallen, but you cannot shovel in places where no snow had fallen - wait,
don't do any shoveling until you hear from me!"

Yossi Sarid - "You should not shovel any part of the driveway, since you
really do not have any valid historical or legal claim to the driveway, and
it will soon be given back to its rightful owners."


Artscroll Hilchos Sheleg ("Laws Regarding Snow; Ashkenazi version, chapter
5)

- "First approach the snow with the proper kavanah, meditating on the
concept of snow removal. Recite the "...Who commanded us concerning the
shoveling of snow" benediction," then take three steps back, bend the
knees slightly with feet together, then look at the snow, lift shovel and
dig, turning right and then left, bend knees fully, take three steps
forward and deposit snow deliberately. Repeat until done, then recite the
Sheheheyanu benediction, go indoors and have a hot drink, remembering to
say the Shehakol brocha (see Artscroll Hilchos on Drinking Hot Liquids)..."


Tikkun Magazine - "What right do we have to violently take snow from its
rightful resting place? Snow has rights: each snowflake is a unique
individual, and we have absolutely no right to do anything with it. Let the
snow decide for itself what it wishes to do, and then if it wishes to be
shoveled, do so humanely."


Rashi - "Snow, this is a form of solid precipitation that clings to one's
beard if you remain outside too long in the winter season. (Old French:
neige). Shoveling is a Rabbinic precept, based on the verse in Isaiah 1:18


- "If your sins be like scarlet, they will turn as white as snows"


Birthright Israel - "It does not matter how the shoveling is done, but the
very act of a young Jew shoveling snow for ten consecutive days, under
proper supervision will have a lifelong impact on Jewish identity."


Meir Ben-Meir (Israeli Water Commissioner) - "Just shovel the snow as fast
as you can, and ship it here. We are running out of water fast! Is anyone
listening to me?"


The Late Lubavitcher Rebbe (from an epistle to a disciple) - "Shoveling
snow is a distraction from our efforts to bring Moshiach, may He come
soon, when in any case there will be no snow to shovel. So leave it and let
it melt. If the Messiah does not come by Shavuos, the snow will have
miraculously disappeared anyway."

[Mediocrates]

As the plane settled down at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the
Captain came on: "Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off." "To those who are seated, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and hope that you enjoy your stay, ...and to those of you standing in the aisles, we wish you a Happy hanukkah, and welcome home."

[Oh Jerusalem]

Originally posted by Mediocrates
As the plane settled down at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the
Captain came on: "Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off." "To those who are seated, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and hope that you enjoy your stay, ...and to those of you standing in the aisles, we wish you a Happy hanukkah, and welcome home."
Ha! Ha! Ain't it the truth! :p

Psssst! Happy Channuka (http://optusxmas.optin.com.au/cgi-bin/FormGenerator?rin=169440753-11900567&thankyou=/optusxmas/flash/penguin1.html )! :D

[Donna]

Originally posted by Oh Jerusalem
Ha! Ha! Ain't it the truth! :p

Psssst! Happy Channuka (http://optusxmas.optin.com.au/cgi-bin/FormGenerator?rin=169440753-11900567&thankyou=/optusxmas/flash/penguin1.html )! :D

Hey, that's pretty neat!

:)

[Mediocrates]

The international Jewish conspiracy.


http://internationaljewishconspiracy.com/



I took over the world banking system and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.

[humus_sapiens]

Official Iran together with Arab League condemned the "Zionist entity" for causing recent earthquake in Iran. However, after they realized that this puts Israel on the same side with G-d, the condemnation has been quickly revoked.

[Communication]

http://www.glumbert.com/pictures/images/happiertimes.jpg

[L@mplighterM]

--- The Saudi Amabassador is giving a speech. After his speech he steps down from the podium and meets President Bush. He says to the President...
"Mr. President, there is something about the US that I don't understand."

The President says...

"Well, Mr. Amabassador, I'll be happy top answer your questions."

The Saudi Ambassador then says...

"My nephew goes to college in the US and he says everyone likes this TV show, "Star Trek". But he says that "Star Trek" has blacks, whites, asians, russions, japanese and other nationalities on the show, but they never have any arabs. Can you explain why there are no arabs on Star Trek?"

The President chuckles and say...

"You need to remember, Mr. Amabassador, Star Trek takes place in the future..."

[Communication]

Originally posted by L@mplighterM
--- The Saudi Amabassador is giving a speech. After his speech he steps down from the podium and meets President Bush. He says to the President...
"Mr. President, there is something about the US that I don't understand."

The President says...

"Well, Mr. Amabassador, I'll be happy top answer your questions."

The Saudi Ambassador then says...

"My nephew goes to college in the US and he says everyone likes this TV show, "Star Trek". But he says that "Star Trek" has blacks, whites, asians, russions, japanese and other nationalities on the show, but they never have any arabs. Can you explain why there are no arabs on Star Trek?"

The President chuckles and say...

"You need to remember, Mr. Amabassador, Star Trek takes place in the future..."

Funny, there are no Jews on the show either. :eek:

[Justcurious]

Vic: "I am often at a loss over whether this statement or other is supposed to be funny..."

At least you question it! Earlier, when I participated in Ummah's debates, I was often misunderstood, because people took my semi-black jokes seriously.

Let it be known from now on that JC's posts may sometimes be jokes...

[Oh Jerusalem]

Originally posted by Communication
Funny, there are no Jews on the show either. :eek:
Pssssstt................................... the Vulcan is Jewish.

[Mediocrates]

Yes I always thought of the Vulcans as that. (BTW the Vulcan "V- hand" is straight up Judaic ritual - a Kohanim blessing).

[Communication]

Originally posted by Oh Jerusalem
Pssssstt................................... the Vulcan is Jewish.


Oh, yeah..................... :)

[frizzer1]

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult", Ashcroft said, "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is
intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to
disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding:

"Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks

[Communication]

Originally posted by Mediocrates
Yes I always thought of the Vulcans as that. (BTW the Vulcan "V- hand" is straight up Judaic ritual - a Kohanim blessing).

Yes, well this particular Vulcan caused quite a bit of controversy around town when he came out with this:

http://www.leonardnimoyphotography.com

[Donna]

Originally posted by Communication
Yes, well this particular Vulcan caused quite a bit of controversy around town when he came out with this:

http://www.leonardnimoyphotography.com

At least that was art. I don't know what to call this little foray into the bizarre:

http://homepage.mac.com/evanbaumgardner/iMovieTheater6.html

I still always liked Spock better than Kirk.

:cool:

[Mediocrates]

http://www.elsewhere.org/cgi-bin/postmodern/

Keep hitting refresh you'll see what it means.


>>at the bottom of the page you'll see this:

The essay you have just seen is completely meaningless and was randomly generated by the Postmodernism Generator. To generate another essay, follow this link. If you like this particular essay and would like to return to it, follow this link for a bookmarkable page.
The Postmodernism Generator was written by Andrew C. Bulhak using the Dada Engine, a system for generating random text from recursive grammars, and modified very slightly by Josh Larios (this version, anyway. There are others out there).

This installation of the Generator has delivered 1025203 essays since 25/Feb/2000 18:43:09 PST, when it became operational. It is being served from a machine in Seattle, Washington, USA.

More detailed technical information may be found in Monash University Department of Computer Science Technical Report 96/264: "On the Simulation of Postmodernism and Mental Debility Using Recursive Transition Networks". An on-line copy is available from Monash University.

More generated texts are linked to from the Communications From Elsewhere front page.

If you enjoy this, you might also enjoy reading about the Social Text Affair, where NYU Physics Professor Alan Sokal's brilliant(ly meaningless) hoax article was accepted by a cultural criticism publication.

[frizzer1]

Here are some rules to keep
in mind when using the Queen's Engerlish:

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.


2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.


3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.


4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.


5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat).


6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.


7. Be more or less specific.


8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.


9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.


10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad
too.


11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.


12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.


13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous.


14. One should never generalize.


15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.


16. Don't use no double negatives.


17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.


18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.


19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.


20. The passive voice is to be ignored.


21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words however should be enclosed in commas.


22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.


23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!


24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.


25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose
earth shattering ideas.


26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when
its not needed.


27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me
what you know."


28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times:
resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it
correctly.


29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.


30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.


31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.


32. Who needs rhetorical questions?


33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.


34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

[Canajew]

For something REALLY funny check this out. http://www.qfl.8k.com/z1023032.html . It's a fake, though, so only follow advice if you want to.

[Mediocrates]

Mean People Suck

Nice People Swallow

Good Friends Gag

[Canajew]

Originally posted by Mediocrates
Mean People Suck

Nice People Swallow

Good Friends Gag


lol (really hard, too)

[Communication]

Mean People Suck

Nice People Swallow

Good Friends Gag


Originally posted by Canajew
lol (really hard, too)

:confused:

[humus_sapiens]

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.

If you wish to know The Way, don't ask for directions. Argue.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo. Learn of the kugel from the kugel.

Those who know do not kibitz. Those who kibitz do not know.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

The Torah says, "Love they neighbor as thyself." The Buddha says there is no "self." So maybe you are off the hook.

Do not kvetch. Be a kvetch. Become one with your whining.

The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

Let go of pride, ego, and opinions. Admit your errors and forgive those of others. Relinquishment will lead to calm and healing in your relationships. If that doesn't work, try small-claims court.

Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl. Unless, of course, you have the closet space.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

In nature, there is no good or bad, better or worse. The wind may blow or not. The flowering branch grows long or short. Do not judge or prefer. Ask only, "Is it good or bad for the Jews?"

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Whenever you feel anger, you should say, "May I be free of this anger!" This rarely works, but talking to yourself in public will encourage others to leave you alone.

The Buddha taught that one should practice lovingkindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

Enter into your inner self and behold the eye of the soul. Gaze upon your original face before you were even born. Shocked? Remember, this was before the nose job.

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes.

[nuttie]

Humus, you made my day.

I just couldn't stop laughing.

[frizzer1]

Good evening gentlemen, and get out, ladies. You have no right to be
having a good time. You, sir, in the front row. Is that a scud missile
under your toga or are you just happy to see me?

On my flight to New York there must have been a Jew in the bathroom the
entire time. There was a sign on the door that said "occupied."

What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes? Nothing! You told
her twice already!

How many Muslims does it take to change a light bulb. None! They sit in
the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!

Did you hear about the Broadway play, The Palestinians ? It bombed!

What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia? Lefty!

Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity!

How come it's so hard to circumcize a Muslim? Because there's no end to
those pr*cks!

Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank? Because
it's just a stone's throw from Israel!

Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys? Because every
Palestinian boy will get to join a rock group!

A small plane carrying Yassir Arafat and all his top lieutenants crashes
and all aboard are killed. Who is saved? The Palestinian people!

A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police. "Honest, I'm
nota suicide bomber," he said. "I didn't say I wanted to blow myself up
so I could sleep with 72 virgins. All I said was I'm dying to get laid!"

What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity
ward? "Live ammunition."

A Palestinian girl says to her mommy, "After Abdul blows up, can I have
his room?"

[Oh Jerusalem]

Originally posted by frizzer1
Good evening gentlemen, and get out, ladies. You have no right to be
having a good time. You, sir, in the front row. Is that a scud missile
under your toga or are you just happy to see me?

NEXT!!!!!!!!!! (http://www.israelforum.com/board/showthread.php3?s=&threadid=4831&highlight=scud)

[frizzer1]

Oops! It never occurred to me that it might have been posted in the religion section.

[humus_sapiens]

At the Russian Military academy, a General is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question,
"Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"
"Yes, Comrades, it looks like you will," answers the General.
"And who will likely be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China."
The class is surprised, and finally one officer asks, "But
Comrade General, we are only 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the General, "think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews have been fighting against 250 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."
"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "do we have enough Jews?"

[Isiah 2:4]

Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss.

(Read this to yourself aloud - it's great!)

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory
makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data
is corrupted ‘cos the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cos sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?

[Donna]

The following were answers provided by elementary students during a history test:


1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.


2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.


3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.


4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.


5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.


6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.


7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. When he was dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."


8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.


9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah"


10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.


11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,comedies,and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.


12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.


13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."

Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

[Oh Jerusalem]

I think one of those was taken from a test I submitted way back when.

Maybe two of those.

[Ahava]

Originally posted by Donna
The following were answers provided by elementary students during a history test:


11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday.

12.Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.


13.
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

This is SO funny, is this real? :D

[Mediocrates]

http://www.youdamnkid.com/comics/ydk20040311.gif



From:
http://www.youdamnkid.com/

[Mediocrates]

http://www.mnftiu.cc/mnftiu.cc/images/war.228.gif

[Donna]

http://www.starbucked.com/public_html/title_content/jackie_mason.html

Starbucks is the best example of a phony status symbol that means nothing, but people will still pay 10 times as much for because there are French words all over the place.

You want coffee in a coffee shop, that's 60 cents. But at Starbucks, Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe Cremier: $4.50. Cafe Suisse: $9.50. For each French word, another four dollars.

Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50? Go into any coffee shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until you're blue in the face. Forty million people are walking around in coffee shops with jars of cream: "Here's all the cream you want!" And it's still 60 cents. You know why?

Because it's called "coffee."

If it's Cafe Latte -- $4.50. You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in a coffee shop; they'll give you all the cinnamon you want. Do they ask you for more money because it's cinnamon? It's the same price for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon -- 60 cents, that's it. But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier - $9.50.

You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all the refills you want until you drop dead. You can come in when you're 27 and keep drinking coffee until you're 98. And they'll start begging you: "Here, you want more coffee, you want more, you want more?" Do you know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a dollar fifty. Two refills, $4.50. Three refills, $19.50.

So, for four cups of coffee - $350.

And it's burnt coffee.

It's burnt coffee at Starbucks, let's be honest about it. If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, "It's the bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of the pot. But when it's burnt at Starbucks, they say, "Oh, it's a blend. It's a blend." It's a special bean from Argentina....."

The bean is in your head.

And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have these high stools. Did you ever see these stools? You haven't been on a chair that high since you were two. Seventy-three year old Jews are climbing and climbing to get to the top of the chair. And when they get to the top, they can't even drink the coffee because there's 12 people around one little table, and everybody's saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me".

Then they can't get off the chair.

Old Jews are begging Gentiles, "Mister, could you get me off this?"

Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods all over this country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters and no service. And so poor people could save money on a tip. Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either. They gave coffee to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the coffee. You got less, so you paid less. It's all the same as Starbucks -- no chairs, no service, a cardboard cup for your coffee.

Except in Starbucks, the less you get, the more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, it's worth four times as much. Am I exaggerating?

Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbucks? Buy a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a building with that cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At Starbucks, you're going to have to hire a detective to find that cookie, and it's $9.50. And you can't put butter on it because they want extra. Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbucks? Cream cheese, another 60 cents. A knife to put it on, 32 cents. If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel costs you $312. And they don't give you the butter or the cream cheese. They don't give it to you. They tell you where it is. "Oh, you want butter? It's over there. Cream cheese? Over here. Sugar? Sugar is here." Now you become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray. "I'll take the cookie. Where's the butter? The butter's here. Where's the cream cheese? The cream cheese is there." You walked around for an hour and a half selecting items, and then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that says "Tips." You're waiting on tables for an hour, and you owe him money. Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're finished. They don't give you a waiter or a busboy. Now you've become the janitor. Now you have to start cleaning up the place.

Old Jews are walking around cleaning up Starbucks. "Oh, he's got dirt too? Wait, I'll clean this up." They clean up the place for an hour and a half.

If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll open a whole new type of a coffee shop. A whole new type. Instead of 60 cents for coffee I'll charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50." "Not only that, I'll have no tables, no chairs, no water, no busboy, and you'll clean it up for 20 minutes after you're finished." Would you say to me, "That's the greatest idea for a business I ever heard! We can open a chain of these all over the world!" No, you would put me right into a sanitarium.

Starbucks can only get away with it because they have French titles for everything, Nazi bastard son-of-a-bitches. And I say this with the highest respect, because I don't like to talk about people.


Hehehe...cinnamonnier!

[Oh Jerusalem]

Donna, I can't stop laughing! :p

[Mediocrates]

A vente half double decaf carafe latte with soy foam no sugar, equal only and breath of Madagascar cinnamon, chilled.

$11.65

Yesterday, the person ordering in front of me in Starbucks @ 6:30 morning.

[Oh Jerusalem]

Originally posted by Mediocrates
A vente half double decaf carafe latte with soy foam no sugar, equal only and breath of Madagascar cinnamon, chilled.

$11.65

Yesterday, the person ordering in front of me in Starbucks @ 6:30 morning.
That's only because it's 40% off before 7. :p

[Donna]

Originally posted by Mediocrates
A vente half double decaf carafe latte with soy foam no sugar, equal only and breath of Madagascar cinnamon, chilled.

$11.65

Yesterday, the person ordering in front of me in Starbucks @ 6:30 morning.

No cookie?

:)

[Mediocrates]

http://www.cropcircleradius.com/1999CC/b_castle.html



Baruch ata adonai elohenu melech haaolam hamotzi lech hamim ha Mother Ship !!

[Aussie]

Here are some writing tips from Australia:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


1. Always avoid annoying alliterations.
2. Never use foreign words as long as there is an adequate
domestic terminology available. French quotes are not à propos.
3. Parenthesized remarks are unnecessary (even when they
are relevant).
4. You should never generalize.

5. Avoid quotes. In the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson: I
hate quotes. Tell me that which you know.
6. Comparisons are as unnecessary as cliches.
7. Don't be too verbose; never use more words than
necessary as it is redundant, and you risk making your readers
bored and make them lose concentration and interest, so that
the message you are trying to deliver is lost in a never
ending stream of words that may be well formulated and
reliable, but that don't have much meaning in this context,
and might not even add much substance to what you are really
trying to express.
8. Be more or less exact when expressing yourself.
9. Short sentences? Avoid!
10. Analogies in your writing are like feathers on a snake.
11. The passive voice is to be ignored.
12. Who needs rhetorical questions?
13. Exaggerations are a million times worse than
understatements. Moderation is a virtue, as they say, but
beware of being too moderate.
14. remember to start every sentence with an upper-case
letter and to end it with a period
15. And never start a sentence with a conjunction.
16. If you read through what you've written, while reading
through it you might find some repetitions that could have
been avoided by reading through the text and editing it.
17. Don't exaggerate the use of exclamation points!!!!!
18. Place words that you are relating to as close as
possible, especially in long sentences with subordinate
clauses of ten words or more, to the main clause.
19. Make like a tree and put the pedal to the metal, and
stop using mixed metaphors.
20. Avoid trendy words and expressions, even though they may
sound cool and funky.
21. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
22. Don't express directives in negative form.
23. Don't forget not to use double negations.
24. Fear cliches like the plague. They are old news that
are better off being sent off to the garbage piles of history.
25. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
26. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
27. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
28. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
29. No sentence fragments.
30. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
31. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
32. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
33. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
34. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
35. Finally, proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Cheers.

[frizzer1]

Passover Research

A group of leading medical researchers has published data indicating that
Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It
seems that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.

At our seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzoh, fortified with Metamucil.
The brand name, of course, is..."Let My People Go."

Old Jewish men in Miami get hernias from wearing chai's which are too heavy.
This condition is called chaiatal hernia!"

If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does
a mohel carry? A bris kit!

JEWISH JEOPARDY: We give the answer, you give the question.

A: Midrash
Q: What is a Middle East skin disease?

A: The Gaza Strip
Q: What is an Egyptian Belly Dance?

A: A classroom, a Passover ceremony, and a latke
Q: What are a cheder, a seder, and a tater?

A: Sofer
Q: On what do Jews recline on Passover?

A: Babylon
Q: What does the rabbi do during some sermons?

A: Filet Minyan
Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?

A: Kishka, sukkah, and circumcision
Q: What are a gut, a hut, and a cut?

And speaking of circumcisions: An enterprising Rabbi is offering
circumcisions via the Internet. The service is to be called...
"E-MOIL."

Happy Pesach.

[frizzer1]

Are you in the market for a wedding dress?

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=4146756343

[Oh Jerusalem]

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning
me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see
what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,

"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her for three hours. You
want my advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

[L@mplighterM]

>A guy saw a pit bull attacking a toddler. He killed the pit bull and saved
>the toddler's life.
>
>The reporters swarmed the guy. "Tell us! What's your name? All Paris will
>love you! Tomorrow's headline: 'Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"
>
>The guy says, "but I'm not from Paris." Reporters: "That's OK. All France
>will love you. Tomorrow's Headline: 'Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"
>
>The guy says, "I'm not from France, either."
>
>Reporters: "That's OK. All Europe will love you. Tomorrow's Headline: 'Hero
>Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"
>
>The guy says, "I'm not from Europe, either."
>
>Reporters: "So, where ARE you from?"
>
>The guy says, "I'm from Israel."
>
>Reporters: "OK. Tomorrow's headline: 'Vicious Israeli Kills Girl's
>Defenseless Dog!'"
>

[Binyamin]

http://www2.omnitel.net/smirlis/tmp/schule.html

[Donna]

Hrrm, I suspect that there have been many around here (my town) who graduated with honors from the Frattini School of Driving.

:p Thanks for the giggle!

[Ahava]

Originally posted by Binyamin
http://www2.omnitel.net/smirlis/tmp/schule.html

:D
That poor dog, though... :( :(

[Binyamin]

A concerned citizen wrote the White House criticizing the condition of the detainees at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Below is the response of the White House.

The White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, D.C. 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter criticizing our treatment of the
Taliban
and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. My administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.

You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens
like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining
Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest serving meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks. Also, these should be "one-handed" foods; Ahmed will not eat with his left hand since he uses it to wipe himself after purging his bowels (which he will do in your yard) - but look on the bright side.. no increase in the toilet paper bill.

He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help with your water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad case of body lice that hasn't been completely remedied. Please heed the large orange notice
attached to your detainee's cage: "Does not play well with others."

Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test came back negative, so not to worry.


We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices
from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons; have available for their use several copies of the Q'uran. Oh - and rest assured he absolutely loves animals, especially cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted, but raw is
fine, too, if they aren't more than 2 or 3 days dead.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. We think this watching over each other's shoulder is such a good way for people to interact that we will be sending a team of federal officials with expertise in your line of work to your place of business soon, just to help you do your job better. Don't be concerned that they have the power to close your business, seize your property, and arrest you for any violation of the
4,850,206 laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your
profession.
They're really there just to make sure you're doing everything the
proper
way. That is what you wanted, right?

Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a valued
member of the citizenry.

You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching.

Cordially...Your Buddy,
Don Rumsfeld

[Donna]

Originally posted by Ahava
:D
That poor dog, though...

Shamey, shamey Ahava! ;) What about that poor bike rider, flattened to a road pizza by that semi?

:p

Hey, maybe they were both just playing possum?

[Ahava]

Originally posted by Donna
Shamey, shamey Ahava! ;) What about that poor bike rider, flattened to a road pizza by that semi?

Yes that bike rider, that was a tragedy of course.. But it was nothing compared to the tragedy of the dog..! :(


Hey, maybe they were both just playing possum?
Yes, that must be it. Thank you, I feel better already. :)

[Mediocrates]

Drive de France |

The top sports honour a Frenchman can earn is the Drive de France. The Drive de France is held every second weekend in June in Livry, near Paris. 75,000 sensible road users from across the world compete to successfully negotiate a roundabout, indicate, turn left, indicate, turn right, check the mirror and bring the car to a satisfactory halt. After 83 years of competition, a Frenchman has claimed the coveted Yellow Jersey just once - and even he lived in Dover.

[humus_sapiens]

A guy in Madrid saw a pit bull attacking a toddler.
He killed the pit bull and saved the child's life.

Reporters swarmed the fellow.
"Tell us! What's your name? All Madrid will love you! Tomorrow's headline will be: "Madrid Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!"
The guy says, "But I'm not from Madrid.

Reporters: "That's OK. Then the whole of Spain will love you and
tomorrow's headline will read: "Brave Spaniard Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"
The guy says, "I'm not from Spain, either."

Reporters: "That's OK also. All Europe will love you. Tomorrow's
headlines will shout: "Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!"
The guy says, "I'm not from Europe, either.

Reporters: "So, where ARE you from?
The guy says, "I! 'm from Israel.

Reporters: "Oh, in that case, the tomorrow's headlines will proclaim to the world: "An Israeli Murders a Little Girl's Dog!"

[chrisjohn316]

"Well, Bill," said Saint Peter, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to allow you into Heaven or to send you to Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks Saint Peter. What's the difference between the two?"

Saint Peter said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?"

"Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!"

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!

Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"

To which Saint Peter replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell.

Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "Saint Peter, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."

"As you desire," said Saint Peter.

Two weeks later, Saint Peter decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going.

He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How ya doin', Bill?" asked Saint Peter.

Bill responded with anguish and despair. "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, THAT!" said Saint Peter. "That was the screen saver."

[Elisheba]

Originally posted by chrisjohn316
...Bill responded with anguish and despair. "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, THAT!" said Saint Peter. "That was the screen saver."


ROFLMAO!!! Thank you so much...but, will you please come wipe off my morning orange juice that I just spritzed all over my computer screen? :D

[chrisjohn316]

Originally posted by Elisheba
ROFLMAO!!! Thank you so much...but, will you please come wipe off my morning orange juice that I just spritzed all over my computer screen? :D

Passes a towel and a bib :D

[Elisheba]

Originally posted by chrisjohn316
Passes a towel and a bib :D

Whew...thank you, sir...now, I shall start my day! :cool:

[chrisjohn316]

Originally posted by Elisheba
Whew...thank you, sir...now, I shall start my day! :cool:

May you have a blessed day :) Shalom.

[Batman]

Originally posted by humus_sapiens
A guy in Madrid saw a pit bull attacking a toddler.
He killed the pit bull and saved the child's life.

Reporters swarmed the fellow.
"Tell us! What's your name? All Madrid will love you! Tomorrow's headline will be: "Madrid Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!"
The guy says, "But I'm not from Madrid.

Reporters: "That's OK. Then the whole of Spain will love you and
tomorrow's headline will read: "Brave Spaniard Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"
The guy says, "I'm not from Spain, either."

Reporters: "That's OK also. All Europe will love you. Tomorrow's
headlines will shout: "Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!"
The guy says, "I'm not from Europe, either.

Reporters: "So, where ARE you from?
The guy says, "I! 'm from Israel.

Reporters: "Oh, in that case, the tomorrow's headlines will proclaim to the world: "An Israeli Murders a Little Girl's Dog!"

i have another version:


The Hero and the Dog




>
> > A guy saw a pit bull attacking a toddler. He killed the pit bull and saved the child's life.
> > Reporters swarmed the fellow. "Tell us! What's your name?
> > All Paris will love you! Tomorrow's headline will be:
> > "Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!"
> > The guy says, "But I'm not from Paris."
> > Reporters: "That's OK. Then whole France will love you and
> > tomorrow's headline will read:
> > "Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!"
> > The guy says, "I'm not from France, either."
> > Reporters: "That's OK also. All Europe will love you.
> > Tomorrow's headlines will shout:
> > "Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!"
> > The guy says, "I'm not from Europe, either."
> > Reporters: "So, where ARE you from?"
> > The guy says, "I'm from Israel."
> > Reporters: "OK. Then tomorrow's headlines will proclaim to the world:
> > "Vicious Israeli Kills Girl's Defenseless Dog!"

[Mycroft]

This might be a little blue for some tastes, so be warned.


UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, who is "seriously concerned" about recent violence in the Middle East, sought relief in the hands of a hotel masseuse yesterday. His request for a "happy ending," however, was denied.



http://www.dailyhog.com/Kofi_Annan.htm

It is, of course, just parody.

[Batman]

Moslem Terrorists (http://www.bobbutler.com/Jokes/MoslemTerrorists.htm)

[Mira~]

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have money for food," the poor man replied.
"Well, then," the lawyer said, "you can come with me to my house."
"But sir," the man answered. "I have a wife and two children with me."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied, and turning to the second man he added, "You come with us also."
In a pitiful voice the second man said, "But sir, I have a wife and six children with me!"
The lawyer extended his invitation to them as well.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass is almost a foot high."

[KSO]

Originally posted by Mira
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have money for food," the poor man replied.
"Well, then," the lawyer said, "you can come with me to my house."
"But sir," the man answered. "I have a wife and two children with me."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied, and turning to the second man he added, "You come with us also."
In a pitiful voice the second man said, "But sir, I have a wife and six children with me!"
The lawyer extended his invitation to them as well.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass is almost a foot high."

Funny, Now were into jokes I will start using my large stock of Russian Jewish jokes:

Chaim comes to the Rabby and Sais "Listen Rabby I have a huge dilemma and i don't know what's to do"
Rabby: Of Course Chaim tell me anything I will help you.
Chaim: I have two geese one is grey the second one is black, My daughter is getting married tomorow and I have to slaughter one of them, and I don't know which one...
Rabby: Well slaughter the grey one
Chaim: But than the black one will think I love him less and he will be verry offended
Rabby: So slaughter the black one...
Chaim: but than the grey one will be offended...
Rabby: Listen Chaim Your problem is so difficult, I don't know what to advice you, but luckily I have a friend who is a priest in the Orthodox church nearby maybe he can help you...

Chaim goes to the church, there he meets the Priest.

Chaim: Hello father, The rabby said you can help me...
Priest: Yes! of course we love the Yidds, tell me what's bothering you.
Chaim: I have two geese one is grey the second one is black, My daughter is getting married tomorow and I have to slaughter one of them, and I don't know which one...
Priest: Slaughter the black
Chaim: But than the grey one will think I love him less, and he will be very offended...
Priest: So... Who gives a f***!

[Mira~]

Originally posted by KSO
Funny, Now were into jokes I will start using my large stock of Russian Jewish jokes:

Chaim comes to the Rabby and Sais "Listen Rabby I have a huge dilemma and i don't know what's to do"
Rabby: Of Course Chaim tell me anything I will help you.
Chaim: I have two geese one is grey the second one is black, My daughter is getting married tomorow and I have to slaughter one of them, and I don't know which one...
Rabby: Well slaughter the grey one
Chaim: But than the black one will think I love him less and he will be verry offended
Rabby: So slaughter the black one...
Chaim: but than the grey one will be offended...
Rabby: Listen Chaim Your problem is so difficult, I don't know what to advice you, but luckily I have a friend who is a priest in the Orthodox church nearby maybe he can help you...

Chaim goes to the church, there he meets the Priest.

Chaim: Hello father, The rabby said you can help me...
Priest: Yes! of course we love the Yidds, tell me what's bothering you.
Chaim: I have two geese one is grey the second one is black, My daughter is getting married tomorow and I have to slaughter one of them, and I don't know which one...
Priest: Slaughter the black
Chaim: But than the grey one will think I love him less, and he will be very offended...
Priest: So... Who gives a f***!

Jews are sensitive like that.

Ok, so Chaim is finally ready to retire and his friends decide to pitch in and buy him a vacation package to Fantasy Island. Chaim arrives on the Island, checks in his room and then takes a walk around the hotel grounds. Everywhere he looks he sees beautiful, young, half-naked men and women frolicking around. Chaim is walking along a trail and he starts to get excited. From out of the bushes appears a gorgeous young woman wearing no clothes . She grabs Chaim and starts having sex with him. He goes back to the hotel lobby and tells the employees what happened to him. The man at the front desk explains, “This is part of the vacation package that your friends bought you. Every time you get excited, a beautiful naked woman will appear and she will have sex with you.” Chaim thinks this is very good, and he retires to his hotel room for the evening. The next day, Chaim is out walking along the same trail and he passes gas. From out of the bushes appears a tall, muscular man who grabs Chaim and starts having sex with him. Chaim goes back to the hotel lobby and tells the man at the front desk what happened. The man explains to him, “This is part of the vacation package that your friends bought for you. Whenever you pass gas, a young, muscular man will appear and he will have sex with you.” “Oh, I see” says Chaim.” The next day, Chaim appears at the front lobby with his bags packed and he is ready to leave. The man at the front desk asks him why he is leaving so soon after all the money his friends spent on getting him this vacation. “Listen, says Chaim, “I am 70 years old. I get a hard-on once a month and I pass gas ten times a day. I’m leaving.”

[KSO]

Originally posted by Mira
Jews are sensitive like that.

Ok, so Chaim is finally ready to retire and his friends decide to pitch in and buy him a vacation package to Fantasy Island. Chaim arrives on the Island, checks in his room and then takes a walk around the hotel grounds. Everywhere he looks he sees beautiful, young, half-naked men and women frolicking around. Chaim is walking along a trail and he starts to get excited. From out of the bushes appears a gorgeous young woman wearing no clothes . She grabs Chaim and starts having sex with him. He goes back to the hotel lobby and tells the employees what happened to him. The man at the front desk explains, “This is part of the vacation package that your friends bought you. Every time you get excited, a beautiful naked woman will appear and she will have sex with you.” Chaim thinks this is very good, and he retires to his hotel room for the evening. The next day, Chaim is out walking along the same trail and he passes gas. From out of the bushes appears a tall, muscular man who grabs Chaim and starts having sex with him. Chaim goes back to the hotel lobby and tells the man at the front desk what happened. The man explains to him, “This is part of the vacation package that your friends bought for you. Whenever you pass gas, a young, muscular man will appear and he will have sex with you.” “Oh, I see” says Chaim.” The next day, Chaim appears at the front lobby with his bags packed and he is ready to leave. The man at the front desk asks him why he is leaving so soon after all the money his friends spent on getting him this vacation. “Listen, says Chaim, “I am 70 years old. I get a hard-on once a month and I pass gas ten times a day. I’m leaving.”
:D

A traveling merchant stopped in a jewish village, he comes to the synagogue, the Rabby greets him.

Rabby: What can I help you?

Merchant: You see Rabby, I just recieved a large sum of money, but I have a couple of towns to visit and I'm afraid to travel with all of this money, so can you please keep my money in the synagogue and I will be back in a couple of days and take it.

Rabby: Of course, I'll even Call Shlomo the baker and Moishe the milkman to be your witnesses.

Moishe and Shlomo agree, and the merchant goes to his way.

A couple of days later he returns, comes to the synagogue.

Merchant: Rabby, I came back to take my money.

Rabby: I am sorry no one left no money here, infact I don't know you!

Merchant: Rabby, I've been here a couple of days ago and I even have witnesses!

Rabby: very well call them.

they call Shlomo.

Merchant: Shlomo you must remember me, I left here my money and the Rabby promised to keep it for me.

Shlomo: I never seen you before.

The Merchant decides to Call Moishe.

But Moishe also claims he never seen him before and heard nothing about the money.
The Merchant is Horrified and almost begins to cry, suddenly the Rabby opens the safe and gives him his money.

Merchant: Rabby! why did you lied to me?

Rabby: I haven't lied, I just wanted you to see what kind of scums I have to live with!

[sharonbn]

Last month, a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was...

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" means.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" means.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" means.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" means.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" means.
In South America they didn't know what "please" means.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" means.

[Oh Jerusalem]

Originally posted by sharonbn
Last month, a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was...

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" means.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" means.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" means.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" means.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" means.
In South America they didn't know what "please" means.In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" means.
Where do you live?! That joke should end with:
In Israel they didn't know what "please" means.

[cunard]

Hilarious, even funnier if you have been to India, Someone told me though not sure that El Al has 11 flights a week to India.
Anyways, enjoy!

Indian Road Rules
Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based
on a Sanskrit text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published
for the first time in English.

ARTICLE I
The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.

ARTICLE II
Indian traffic, like Indian society,is structured on a strict caste system.
The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending
order, give way to: cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars,
camels, light trucks, buffalo, Jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles,
scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods-
carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.

ARTICLE III
All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim:
to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat.
This is the Indian drivers' mantra.

ARTICLE IV
Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, ie to oncoming truck,
"I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die".
In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic).
Single blast (casual) means "I have seen someone out of India's 870 million
whom I recognise", "There is a bird in the road (which at this speed
could go through my windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for
several minutes."
Trucks and buses (IV,2,a): All horn signals have the same meaning,
viz, "I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no
intention of stopping, even if I could."
This signal may be emphasised by the use of headlamps (insouciant).
Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence
in Article II above

ARTICLE V
All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until
the last possible moment.

ARTICLE VI
In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear
garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.

ARTICLE VII
Rights of way: Traffic entering a road from the left has priority.
So does traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle.
Lane discipline (VII,1): All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective
of direction of travel shall occupy the centre ofRoundabouts: India has noround abouts. Apparent traffic islands in the
middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored.

ARTICLE IX
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake
every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just
overtaken you.
Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in
the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the
middle of villages/city centres. No more than two inches should be
allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing - and one inch
in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.

ARTICLE X
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.

ARTICLE XI
Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse gear.

ARTICLE XII
The 10th incarnation of God was as an articulated tanker

[KSO]

http://www.jesusiler.com/index.htm

[Mediocrates]

Originally posted by Oh Jerusalem
Where do you live?! That joke should end with:
In Israel they didn't know what "please" means.


Israelis don't have bad manners, they have no manners.

[Mediocrates]

cunard, when I lived in a Korean neighborhood we called it the 'aim-n-go driving school'.

Never speed up or slow down - 30mph everywhere even through red lights is standard.

Left on red, regardless

Left turn lanes are for passing

Three point turns means you hit cars on both sides of the street

Only double park where you can leave your door open in traffic

When you hit the hydrant, stop

One way streets for two blocks or less do not count

There are exactly two moving parts in the car; the horn and the accelerator

Bike riders are part of the circle of life

Center lanes are for window shopping or parking if a Karoke bar is encountered

You pay taxes, that's what all the empty spaces in front of the police station are for

[cunard]

Originally posted by Mediocrates
cunard, when I lived in a Korean neighborhood we called it the 'aim-n-go driving school'.

Never speed up or slow down - 30mph everywhere even through red lights is standard.

Left on red, regardless

Left turn lanes are for passing

Three point turns means you hit cars on both sides of the street

Only double park where you can leave your door open in traffic

When you hit the hydrant, stop

One way streets for two blocks or less do not count

There are exactly two moving parts in the car; the horn and the accelerator

Bike riders are part of the circle of life

Center lanes are for window shopping or parking if a Karoke bar is encountered

You pay taxes, that's what all the empty spaces in front of the police station are for




That s hilarious hahahaha, i think even i ahve done this one
"One way streets for two blocks or less do not count"

[Oh Jerusalem]

update:

Sorry for what happended with the link that was here and had to be removed.

[cerulean]

Thanks :).
Warning to linkers: an apparently innocent link to an image can give you something you don't expect. Some site-owners choose to make hotlinks to images turn into links to porn or other offensive sites.

[Mediocrates]

Out Sourcing Jobs Reaches New Heights

by Staff Reporter Melynda Jill Satire

Washington D.C. - Congress today announced that the Office of President of
the United States will be outsourced to overseas as of June 30th, the end of
this fiscal year. The move is being made to save $400K a year in salary, a
record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead.

"The cost savings will be quite significant" says Congressman Adam Smith (D
- Wash) who, with the aid Congress research arm, the General Accounting
Office has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We simply can
no longer afford this level of outlay and remain competitive in the world
stage,"

Congressman Smith said. Exporting American jobs has been a popular trend
lately, ironically at the urging of President Bush.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of the termination of his
position. He will receive health coverage, expenses and salary until his
final day of employment. After that, with a two week waiting period, he will then be eligible for $240 dollars a week from unemployment insurance for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be able to receive state Medicaid health insurance coverage as his unemployment benefits are over the required limit.

"I'm in shock," Mr. Bush stated. "I thought fer sure I'd have some job
security around this here place. I have no idea what I'll do now," he
further lamented.

Preparations have been underway for some time for the job move.

Sanji Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the Office of President of the United States as of July 1. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his parents were here on student visas, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 USD a month but with no health coverage or other benefits. Due to the time difference between the US and India, Mr. Singh will be working primarily at night, when offices of the US Government will be open.

"I am excited to serve in this position," Mr. Singh stated in an exclusive
interview. "Working nights will let me keep my day job at the American
Express call center. I always knew I could be President someday."

Congress stressed patience when calling Mr. Singh as he may not be fully
aware of all the issues involved with his new position. A Congressional
Spokesperson noted that Mr. Singh has been given a script tree to follow
which will allow him to respond to most topics of concern. The Spokesperson
further noted that "additional savings will be realized as these scripting
tools have already been used previously by Mr. Bush here in the US. Such
scripts will enable Mr. Singh to provide an answer without having to fully
understand the issue itself."

Congress continues to explore other outsourcing possibilities including that of Vice-president and most Cabinet positions.

[Oh Jerusalem]

Originally posted by Mediocrates
Congress continues to explore other outsourcing possibilities including that of Vice-president and most Cabinet positions.
That's the most comical line of them all, if you get the irony. :p

[Mediocrates]

One sunny day in 2005 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Ave, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same US Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it, that's all."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, SIR!"

[Oh Jerusalem]

Originally posted by Mediocrates
One sunny day in 2005 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Ave, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same US Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it, that's all."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, SIR!"
I can't laugh at that one because I dread the obvious conclusion even more. :o

[KSO]

4 Rabbys are walking down the street and disscusing some biblical issues, an argument erupts and a situation is created when 3 rabbys completely agree but one rabby thinks differently.
The 3 rabbys tell him "Listen you know you are wrong just admit it" But he sais "No you are wrong and I am sure that G-d Agrees with me" he raises his hands in the air and asks god to send him a sign, suddenly the sky becomes cloudy and a big storm begins,
the 3 Rabbys are surprised but still aren't convinced "This is just a coincedence you can't prove it was G-d's sign"
The Rabby asks another sign from heavens, suddenly a lightning strikes and burns the tree next to them.
The 3 rabbys are still not convinced "When there's a storm lightnings strike everywhere..."
The Rabby raises his hands in the air and shouts "G-d please give me one final sign!"
The storm stops the sky clears up and G-d's voice is heard from the Sky "HE IS RIGHT!"
The 3 rabbys stand amazed for a couple of minutes finally one of them sais "Well, it still 3 against 2!"

[KSO]

And another one:

A Jew is sitting in an airplaine next to 2 Arabs, the jew took off his shoes for the flight.
After a couple of hours of flight he rises from his seat and sais to the Arabs : "Hey I am going to the stewardess to ask for some tea, do you want me to bring some to you?"

Arabs: "Oh yes please if it's not to hard for you"
He goes away, then the first arab tells to the second "Hey he is gone let's spit in his shoes!"
The second arab: "Great Idea!"
They spit in the shoes, The Jew comes back, they drink some tea,
The plain lands and the jew puts back his shoes, he realises what happened and sais "Guy's this hate can't continue, we can't go on doing mean things to each other, You spit in my shoes i urinated in your tea..."

[David_in_NYC]

Wow I can't believe this thread has gotten this far without this joke:

_____________________________________________

The captain of a Syrian airliner announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 announcing we have lost an engine and want to land at any airport in the mideast OTHER than Israel." No answer.

A short while later he announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 again. We have lost TWO engines and ask permission to land at any airport in the mid-East OTHER than Israel." No answer from anyone.

A while later the pilot announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174. We are in need of help. We have lost three engines and need permission to land at any airport in the mid-East OTHER than Israel.
Still no answer from anyone.

Finally, the Captain calls, "Help! This is Syrian Airliner 174, we have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the mid-East, INCLUDING Israel.

Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian airplane cockpit: "This is Tel Aviv airport calling Syrian Airliner 174. We would like to help."

"God bless you," said the Syrian pilot, what should we do?"

Responded Tel Aviv airport, "Repeat after me: Yitgadal, v'yitgadash..."

[KSO]

Well another joke on the conflict, but with sexual nature SO ALL SENSETIVE PEOPLE BEWARE

A Palestinian comes to his wife and sais "Honey, let's have anal sex" The wife refuses she sais that the Quaran does not allow this, well he goes to the Imam and sais "I realy want to have anal sex with my wife but the Quaran does not allow this and i realy want to try" the Imam sais " I allow you to do this but only if you'll kill a jew"
The palestinian goes and kills a jew, he comes back to his wife and he enjoys the wildest sex of his life, next day he goes and kills another jew, when he comes back home he has anal sex with his wife again, and so on every day for a month.
One day he comes home and shouts "Honey! I killed a jew come to bed! "

His wife sais to him "Listen Said, Can you please stop using my ass as a device to liberate Palestine.

[chrisjohn316]

Things You'll Never Hear an Employee say:

* Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.

* If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That greatly aids my efficiency.

* Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

* If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors is good training.

* Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

[chrisjohn316]

chrisjohn316 : well I must be going .... 21:00 here
chrisjohn316 : Lester > Al Gore invent Bread
chrisjohn316 : and then Sliced Bread
chrisjohn316 : then a toaster
chrisjohn316 : then a fire blanket
chrisjohn316 : then bandages
chrisjohn316 : then a label to put on toasters ... do NOT operate if your name is Al Gore
chrisjohn316 :
chrisjohn316 :
Guest_alhntn : later dude. You are so funny chris. I just love this room
Jacilyn : ahh nightio chris

[chrisjohn316]

The weekend before their chemical engineering exam, four university friends go on a road trip. They have a great time but end up missing the exam by a few hours.

They proceed to tell their professor that they got a flat tire on their way back, and so he lets them take a makeup exam.

The guys study all night and show up on time for the exam in the morning. The professor places them each in separate rooms and hands them each the exam booklet. The first question is worth 5 points, and each guy answers it easily.

Then they turn to the second question: “For 95 points, which tire?”

[chrisjohn316]

Originally posted by David_in_NYC
"God bless you," said the Syrian pilot, what should we do?"

Responded Tel Aviv airport, "Repeat after me: Yitgadal, v'yitgadash..."

What does "Yitgadal, v'yitgadash" mean? Kinda spoilt the joke as I don't get the punch line.

[Oh Jerusalem]

Originally posted by chrisjohn316
What does "Yitgadal, v'yitgadash" mean? Kinda spoilt the joke as I don't get the punch line.
These are the first words of the mourner's Kaddish prayer (http://www.aish.com/spirituality/odysseys/Growth_Through_Kaddish.asp). The words mean "[May G-d's Great Name] be exaulted and sanctified."

[frizzer1]

Subject: Fw: Mattel Announces New Jewish Barbie Line




Mattel has targeted the little Jewish girl market with Barbie dolls that reflect Jewish culture.

Kollel Barbie comes with several jobs as her accessories and a tummy that inflates and deflates in nine month cycles.

Kollel Ken comes with a bench to sit on and a table to put his gemara on. Ken's head fits perfectly into the contours of the gemorah accessory and is equipped to drool and snore away the day while Barbie tends to the babies and her 17 jobs.

Hasidic Barbie comes with permanent stockings and is bald, but you'll never know because it's covered with a state-of-the-art shpitzel and pillbox hat.

Hasidic Ken comes with downward-looking eyes because he's not allowed to look at other dolls.

Yeshivish Barbie comes with 84 snoods, 174 hats, 24 non-Indian hair sheitels and one tichel that allows her hair to show a bit when she's feeling naughty.

Yeshivish Ken comes with one suit, one crumpled hat, and one pair of tzitzis that drag on the ground.

Modern Barbie comes with pants, plus a helmet and body armor to protect her from the stones thrown at her by ultra-orthodox Ken dolls that come with the Meah Shearim playset.

Upper West Side Barbie comes with 74 single Ken dolls she considers friends because she doesn't think of them "that way." Little does she know that 37 of the Ken dolls have like this totally huge crush on her. She also comes with Kleenexes to wipe away the tears that she sheds every time Skipper reminds her that "Friends" is over.

These new dolls, with their controversial accessories, did not go uncontested. Several organizations, including the Anti Defamation Kollel League, the Anti Defamation Hasidic League, the Anti Defamation Yeshivish League, the Anti Defamation Modern League and the Anti Defamation Upper West Side League have voiced concern over the stereotypes these dolls represent.

In a press release, Mattel said, "Tough noogies, just WAIT till we come out with Nidah Barbie, we KNOW that's gonna push some buttons!"

[KSO]

Antisemitism raises it's ugly head again... Why jewish barbie dolls are constantly pregnant?
Jews in the US are much more into family planning than most other ethnicities.

[Mediocrates]

Sometimes you're an idiot and that sometimes is getting longer and longer.

[KSO]

Originally posted by Mediocrates
Sometimes you're an idiot and that sometimes is getting longer and longer.

2 weeks of Heat and football have a damaging effect... :(

[Ahava]

Originally posted by frizzer1

Kollel Ken comes with a bench to sit on and a table to put his gemara on. Ken's head fits perfectly into the contours of the gemorah accessory and is equipped to drool and snore away the day while Barbie tends to the babies and her 17 jobs.

Hasidic Barbie comes with permanent stockings and is bald, but you'll never know because it's covered with a state-of-the-art shpitzel and pillbox hat.

Hasidic Ken comes with downward-looking eyes because he's not allowed to look at other dolls.


LOL!!! :p

[Oh Jerusalem]

Originally posted by Mediocrates
Sometimes you're an idiot and that sometimes is getting longer and longer.
Idiot continues to be a 5 letter word. :o

[andak01]

http://theonion.com/infograph/index.php?issue=4025

[Mediocrates]

At least it will stand out in this group

http://sullivan.virtualactivism.net/peacequest/flags/flags.gif

or this one

http://atlasgeo.span.ch/fotw/flags/naz.html

[KSO]

Originally posted by Mediocrates
At least it will stand out in this group

http://sullivan.virtualactivism.net/peacequest/flags/flags.gif

or this one

http://atlasgeo.span.ch/fotw/flags/naz.html

My sense of Israeli provinciality was very touched when I saw the Kach Flag stands proudly with Neo Nazi flags from Europe.

[Mediocrates]

Rock Paper Saddam :)

http://www.rockpapersaddam.com/index.html

[Mediocrates]

http://www.preparingforemergencies.co.uk/



http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,3604,1271276,00.html

[frizzer1]

News flash just in for the year 2029


Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

85 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lb..

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting Machine

[KSO]

President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.



Awww Not a face you want to put on a dollar bill...

[Mediocrates]

Compared to the Bush twins kneeling over the bowl and throwing up underage vodka and prescription drugs......

Well if this daughters of the president gig doesn't work out, they can become pole dancers or the town chicken heads.

[frizzer1]

Awww Not a face you want to put on a dollar bill...

Didn't she just have some work done? Looks sorta cute now.
( is being a male chauvinist a banning offense here? )

[RichardP]

Probably, Frizzer, great stuff, I can always count on you to give me a good lauhg or six... :p

[frizzer1]

Probably, Frizzer, great stuff, I can always count on you to give me a good lauhg or six... :p

Hi Ric. I was going to send this to you but I decided to post it here....this place needs some humour, don't you think?
BTW is your vacation from IF over already? :)

[RichardP]

Much appreciated, Frizzer, so true, it does need a tad of humour here... thank G-d, for you, and a few others.
I don't know, short hiatus, no, however, playing it by blood-pressure and a few other things.
Cheers, Ric :D

[Mediocrates]

http://www.heraldsun.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5478,10566501^1702,00.html

Man makes wife ride on car bonnet
From correspondents in Amman
25aug04

A JORDANIAN man forced his wife to sit on the bonnet of their car and drove through the streets of the capital to "punish" her after they had an argument, Al Dustour newspaper reported today.

As a result, the 22-year-old woman fell and was rushed to hospital with broken bones and concussion, the daily said, adding that she was in "moderate condition".

Her 27-year-old husband was arrested.

Al Dustour described the incident as a "novel and curious method of punishing wives" and said it was the first of its kind in Jordan.

[Justcurious]

Medio, I worked in the States in 1970 and the owner of the nursery (garden) where I worked sometimes took me on the bonnet of his Chevrolet and drove along the paths of the nursery. I never considered that a punishment, rather it was fun!

[Mediocrates]

http://daemlich.net/1977

[Mediocrates]

http://www.dieselsweeties.com/archive.php?s=1045

[Mediocrates]

http://www.aftenposten.no/english/sports/article875219.ece

More soccer violence in lower divisions

The seventh division clash between little-known teams Hetlevik 2 and Djerv 2 resulted in an unusual outpouring of violence. A goalkeeper was chased home, a club foreman was head-butted to the ground and female spectators were insulted and threatened with rape. Police intervention was needed to restore order, newspaper Askøyværingen reports.

One player from each team became involved in a heated argument as they were heading for the locker room after coming off in the closing minutes. After the final whistle blew, Djerv players went berserk.

The Hetlevik goalkeeper was chased home, and three girls, the youngest aged 11, were subjected to crude sexual insults from some of the Djerv players. Some spectators were threatened with rape.

Local football authorities have had some trouble with Djerv 2 before and said the team, which consists largely of Kurdish players, might not be allowed to play the two final games of the season.

"There are a few individual players who behave in a completely unacceptable way and have problems following the rules that apply on the pitch. Those who have behaved badly will be sanctioned. But it is still important to remember that football is a positive arena where everyone can take part," local football leader Roald Bruun-Hansen told newspaper Bergens Tidende.

According to newspaper Bergensavisen, Bruun-Hansen refused to comment on reports that Djerv players threatened to decapitate members of the spectating crowd.

[Sword of Gideon]

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am."

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!"

[Sword of Gideon]

A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes." He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".

[Sword of Gideon]

Who let the dogs out


get ready for some side aches

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/dogs.shtml

[chrisjohn316]

Who let the dogs out


get ready for some side aches

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/dogs.shtml


Not funny, but cruel.

[Mediocrates]

The Poetry of D.H. Rumsfeld

The Unknown
As we know,
There are known knowns.
There are things we know we know.
We also know
There are known unknowns.
That is to say
We know there are some things
We do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns,
The ones we don't know
We don't know.

Feb. 12, 2002, Department of Defense news briefing

Glass Box
You know, it's the old glass box at the
At the gas station,
Where you're using those little things
Trying to pick up the prize,
And you can't find it.
It's

And it's all these arms are going down in there,
And so you keep dropping it
And picking it up again and moving it,
But

Some of you are probably too young to remember those
Those glass boxes,
But

But they used to have them
At all the gas stations
When I was a kid.

Dec. 6, 2001, Department of Defense news briefing

A Confession
Once in a while,
I'm standing here, doing something.
And I think,
"What in the world am I doing here?"
It's a big surprise.

May 16, 2001, interview with the New York Times

Happenings
You're going to be told lots of things.
You get told things every day that don't happen.

It doesn't seem to bother people, they don't
It's printed in the press.
The world thinks all these things happen.
They never happened.

Everyone's so eager to get the story
Before in fact the story's there
That the world is constantly being fed
Things that haven't happened.

All I can tell you is,
It hasn't happened.
It's going to happen.

Feb. 28, 2003, Department of Defense briefing

The Digital Revolution
Oh my goodness gracious,
What you can buy off the Internet
In terms of overhead photography!

A trained ape can know an awful lot
Of what is going on in this world,
Just by punching on his mouse
For a relatively modest cost!

June 9, 2001, following European trip

The Situation
Things will not be necessarily continuous.
The fact that they are something other than perfectly continuous
Ought not to be characterized as a pause.
There will be some things that people will see.
There will be some things that people won't see.
And life goes on.

Oct. 12, 2001, Department of Defense news briefing

Clarity
I think what you'll find,
I think what you'll find is,
Whatever it is we do substantively,
There will be near-perfect clarity
As to what it is.

And it will be known,
And it will be known to the Congress,
And it will be known to you,
Probably before we decide it,
But it will be known.

Feb. 28, 2003, Department of Defense briefing

[Mediocrates]

Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl.
Unless, of course, you have the closet space.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: Get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo.
Learn of the kugel from the kugel.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symp! tom of a terminal illness.

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget these simple things and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao is not Jewish.

Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

To find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to atta! in nothingness.
And then what do you have? Bupkes.

[Mediocrates]

http://www.vidlit.com/yidlit/yidlit.html

[sharonbn]

OK... more like a nice joke...
http://www.hotlush.com/rofl3000/
(note footnote at the bottom... :))

[sharonbn]

mms://live.103.fm/radio103fm//zeh/zeh1201038.wma
For Hebrew speakers only!
Natan Zehavi at his best...

[Luke90]

More Donald Rumsfeld Poetry (http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/news/bh/rumsfeld.shtml)
(Requires RealPlayer)

My personal favourite is "Do I Know?" at the bottom of the list.
It's the known-unknowns one that Mediocrates posted earlier.

[Canajew]

More Donald Rumsfeld Poetry (http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/news/bh/rumsfeld.shtml)
(Requires RealPlayer)

My personal favourite is "Do I Know?" at the bottom of the list.
It's the known-unknowns one that Mediocrates posted earlier.

I actually think the "known unknoiwn" bits was one of the most intelligent and succint explanation of knowledge and reality that has been espoused by a policy maker or anyone of consequence in years. That it was jumped on by the left is just further indication to me that the left is full of know nothings incapable of truly rational thought who should not be trusted for any social policy decisions.

I mean, what is so bloody difficult to understand?

[Luke90]

What he's trying to say makes sense. It's just very strange sounding to listen to and I think it could probably have been put better so that it sounded less silly. I think the "most intelligent explanation of knowledge and reality" is probably taking it a bit far the other way.

[Mediocrates]

It's dissembling, really it is.

[Canajew]

What he's trying to say makes sense. It's just very strange sounding to listen to and I think it could probably have been put better so that it sounded less silly. I think the "most intelligent explanation of knowledge and reality" is probably taking it a bit far the other way.

maybe, but it is a complete compartmentalization of the classes of knowledge regarding information we have, and adding up all his groupings leads to a complete set.

It is also not particularly strange. He just kept the vocabulary limited to both make a point and to dumb it down for the dumb general population. I just think ultimately it was over most leftist commnetators' heads, which speaks far worse of them than it does of him.

And what's so akward with the term "known unknowns", things we "know we do not know"?

[Luke90]

It takes repetitive vocabulary to an extreme and it was so excessively dumbed down that it just sounded ridiculous.
You can simplify things but still vary your vocabulary or find alternative ways of saying them.

[Mediocrates]

Or a working knowledge of Dr. Seuss and/or Gilbert & Sullivan.

[Canajew]

Or a working knowledge of Dr. Seuss and/or Gilbert & Sullivan.

actually, it is quite Dr Suessy, isn't it. Clever.

[Mediocrates]

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5562742387&isPrinterFriendly=1

[Luke90]

What was it?
It seems to have been removed now.

[Mediocrates]

too bad - it was a doozy. too hard to explain though.

[Luke90]

Was it the mystery envelope?

[sharonbn]

http://www.passovergreeting.com

[abdullah]

"Shalom - Salaam. Do you see the similarity?" danholo

What does Shalom mean?

[Canajew]

What does Shalom mean?

Hello
Goodbye
Peace

[abdullah]

Then they are the same. Probably did have similar origins.

Thanks

[sharonbn]

can't believe there is a person who didn't hear of Shalom.....

[b.scheller]

Iranian propaganda, as serious this is, I must say its a little humourous, in that pathetic way

Something about a poor Palestinian girl, whose eyes are taken by an evil Israeli doctor...
http://switch3.castup.net/cunet/gm.asp?ClipMediaID=49320&ak=null

The English in this one, is star. I think they must have passed first year of ESL...

http://switch3.castup.net/cunet/gm.asp?ClipMediaID=57484&ak=null

http://switch3.castup.net/cunet/gm.asp?ClipMediaID=57485&ak=null

Some of my Israeli friends have watched this, so I'm guessing the rest of you may have seen it as well...

I wouldn't be surprised if these movies got a Cesar in France...

[sharonbn]

Happy Pesach, 50c syle

http://www.shabot6000.com/sedaclub/

[sharonbn]

it wasn't me
http://www.viralgods.com/clips/wasntme/

[sharonbn]

Hamas is rumored to have developed a new weapon to be used in its war against Israel. Intelligence sources managed to take the only known photo of this new threat:

http://www.lunatic.no/tihi.jpg

[Achihud]

Jay; "Hi there, tonight I have three extraordinary guests. Let me introduce for the first time; Moses!!!"
(-applause while Moses takes his seat-)
Moses; "Hello Jay, How are you?"
Jay; "Fine thank you. Moses, Last night I read somewhere on the Internet, take a look;"
Judaism; Moses gave a telephone, wire with plug and number and said to his people; "Make sure that you keep using it after I'm gone!"
So the jews start making phone calls until a day the phone didn't work anymore. Somewhere somehow somebody must have cut the wire. Someone in the back whispers; "Find out who cut the wire and keep talking through the phone lest not anybody see we are in trouble."
Jay; "Now, I want to ask you, why did you recommend your people to use the phone even after you would be gone?"
Moses; "Because the voice on the other side said so!"
Jay; "But why? I mean, we all know God thanks to you."
Moses; "That's not correct, you would have known Him if you kept my advice I gave at the end; Choose life!"
Jay sounding uncomfortable; "Well, that sure is a heavy statement from Moses. I'm curious if our next guest can do better? We will continue after the break, stay tuned folks." ;)

[Achihud]

Jay; "Well here we are back with our next guest; please welcome; Jesus!!!"
(-high applause while Jesus takes his seat next to Moses-)
Jesus; "Hello Jay, how are you?"
Jay; "Fine thank you. Jesus, Last night I read somewhere on the Internet, take a look;"
Christianity; Jesus gave a telephone and number and said to his people; "Don't forget to use it, I will sent the missing wire after I'm gone!"
So the christians start making phone calls until the day the phone didn't work anymore. Apparently someone copied from a wrong telephone number. Someone in the back whispers; "Better call a ventriloquist and keep talking through the phone lest not anybody see we are in trouble."

Jay; "Now, I want to ask you, why did you recommend your people to use the phone after you would be gone?"
Jesus; "Because the voice on the other side said so!"
Jay; "But why? I mean, speaking for the gentiles, we all know God thanks to you."
Jesus; "To answer to you question, I've already heard the answer from Moses. So my answer is that I can't do better then 'choose life'."
Jay still confused but getting more comfortable; "Well, I'm curious what our next guest Mohammed has to say about this. We will continue after the br…-Jay sees Moses and Jesus unexpected leaving-…wait a second, don't leave, we are not done yet."
Jesus; "Relax we have to go to the toilet."
Jay; "Together? O my! Duty calls at the same time even in this for the heavenly guys!" ;)
(-animosity in the crowd-)

[Achihud]

Jay; "Well while we are waiting for our former guests, let me introduce our next, please welcome; Mohammed!!!"
(-obligatory applause while Mohammed takes his seat searching around-)
Jay; "eh…Mohammed down here thank you. Last night I read somewhere on the Internet, take a look;"
Islam; Mohammed laid down his horn, smashed the telephone against the wall and said to his people; "Now that the telephone is broken, there is no need to leave you the number when my time has come."
Someone in the back whispers; "Look, the jews and christians are in trouble! Maybe our broken phone can be useful after all. What ever happens, keep talking louder through that phone then everybody else."
Jay; "Now, I want to ask you, why have you smashed the phone and didn't leave your people a number?"
Mohammed; "Because the voice on the other side said so! And if it wasn't for the fact that tonight I finally have the chance to meet Moses SAW and Jesus SAW, I would have let your tongue cut out just for asking!"
Jay looking very uncomfortable by now kind of whispers to a technician; "Where the hell are our guests, they should be here right now."
Technician stammers; "I'm afraid that Moses and Jesus left the building…"
Jay; "WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'THEY LEFT THE BUILDING'!!!"
(-Mohammed looks now very disturbed-)
Technician; "Well, they said something in the likes that they didn't want to stay in the same room with the son of satan-something…"
Mohammed quickly getting a grip, stands up and points his finger at Jay Leno; "Yeahhh…and for sure you are the Son of Satan!!! I AM OUT-A-HERE TOO."


-This joke was sponsored by NOKIA-


Quotes taken from the "Bananas" theories... ;)
-Why the Christian Right loves Israel!-

[sharonbn]

Britney Spears Cancels Auction of Bra

By The Associated Press
Mon Oct 10, 8:30 AM ET

Britney Spears' jewel-encrusted bra has been taken down from eBay, but this time, it's Spears who made the decision.

The bra was one of several items Spears had donated for an auction to raise money to help hurricane victims.

She writes on her Web site she took down the listing because she was concerned it was being sold as something it's not. She says it's true she wore it for an HBO promotion, she did not wear it onstage during a "...Baby One More Time" performance.

Bidding for the bra had reached $47,000.

The auction of the bra had been removed from eBay once before when an eBay staffer decided it violated policy of not selling used undergarments.

Meanwhile, the auction of her other things has ended. Her "I Have the Golden Ticket" shirt sold for $1,200. Her ottoman sold for $510, her Chanel high heels sold for $770, her two-piece sectional sofa for $3,050, and her red-tab jeans for $4,001.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051010/ap_en_mu/spears_auction

[Justcurious]

Has her bra have any connection with the Jews? Sorry, I'm a bit ignorant.

[sharonbn]

a) no connection that I know of
b) This is Israel Forum, not Jew Forum (but no conn to Israel either)
c) its a joke, duhh

[sharonbn]

http://www.aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf

[Saffira]

What happens if a fly lands in a cup of coffee?



1. Englishman: Throws his cup away and walks away.

2. American: Takes the insect out and drinks the coffee.

3. Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the coffee away.

4. Japanese: Drinks the coffee with the insect since it is a free bonus.

5. Israeli: Sells the coffee to the American and the insect to the Chinese, and gets himself a new cup of coffee.

6. Palestinian: Accuses the Israeli of throwing the insect into his coffee. Relates the issue to violence. Asks the UN for aid. Takes a loan from EC to buy another cup of coffee and uses the money for terror.

[Saffira]

Give us new missiles!



The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.


In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.


Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow.


His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon.


He told his Syrian guest, "Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles."


"No, no - you don't understand!" the Syrian replied. "Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!"