The joke & parody thread

[Vic]

I have been missing this for some time now, especially given the inspiring qualities of the subject.

Although - even in this forum I am often at a loss over whether this statement or other is supposed to be funny...

I don't know for sure whether I've already posted this one: http://www.netaxs.com/~balpert/jewfaq.html - I can't find it.

[cerulean]

My concern is that this type of thing can be taken out of context and used as a "proof" on a white supremacist site (or jihad site, or whatever). Either intentionally or not, irony and satire are often not these groups' strong point. I have seen quotes from a parody site taken out of context before.

[Vic]

I wouldn't worry about it. Such groups will always find material for their "cause" some way or other. I know a violently antisemitic site operating on Talmud quotations only. I have heard a lot of discussion on what Jews, ethnic minorities etc. shouldn't do less someone gets it wrong, my recipe is: don't care. If you like it, then it's OK, period.

[cerulean]

Of course in many cases these Talmud "quotations" are fabricated completely and other times translated badly and taken out of context, etc. Thus, you are likely correct that parody sites are not going to worsen the situation anyway.

[Vic]

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/horsey/viewbydate.asp?id=637

[cerulean]

Maybe this should be in its own thread in Peace Tank, since there is a serious side to this, but anyway:
http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=20020701214104.14748.00001779%40mb-dh.aol.com&oe=UTF-8&output=gplain (leads to a Jpost article)

Jul. 1, 2002
Transcendental Meditation: The solution to terrorism?
By DANIEL BEN-TAL

A small number of meditators can stop terrorism in the Middle East, a leading US scientist told a Tel Aviv news conference yesterday.

"We have an important message for the people of the Middle East," said Dr. John Hagelin, a quantum physicist and author, and recipient of the prestigious Kilby Award for scientific research.

"If the square root of 1 percent of the population regularly practice Transcendental Meditation (TM) techniques in a group, the wave effect of calm will eventually halt terrorism," he claimed.
...
According to Hagelin, there has been a noticeable reduction in Indian-Pakistani tensions since some 9,000 meditators began gathering on the banks of the Ganges in India over the past three-four weeks. This action is being organized by the Maharishi Yogi leader of the worldwide TM movement now in his nineties and based in Holland.

"As they continue to arrive, we look forward to increasing calm in the area. Within a year, we expect a global reduction in terror and violence."

"There are about 9.5 million Israelis and Palestinians," said Israeli physicist Elon Meroz. "If we can organize 800-1,000 people to meditate together, we would transform Israel markedly and rapidly. Ongoing groups will be needed in order to diffuse the tensions."

...

[Vic]

All I miss is the report on the Transcendental Meditation gathering in front of the Hamas headquarters. Were the practical approach less lopsided, the mediators might represent a verbose variation on an old pet idea of mine: http://www.israelforum.com/board/showthread.php3?postid=10689#post10689

Maybe this is a discussion for the "enough talking"-thread?

[Mediocrates]

"Get Your War On" chapter 11

http://www.mnftiu.cc/mnftiu.cc/war11.html

Or what goes for fact about the US in Europe - (caution coarse language ahead)

Check out the whole "Get Your War On"

BTW My New Fighting Technique Is Unstoppable

http://www.mnftiu.cc/mnftiu.cc/home.html

Is the greatest website in the known universe.

[Mr. Pumps]

:D :D :D Listen to this:

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/hasaad.html

Realplayer needed.

[Vic]

For tons of good advice:

http://www.imgegrt.com/product/full/ap/3015026/graphic1.swf

She doesn't tell however what it takes to prevent encounters with "amorous dolphins": http://www.cnn.com/2002/WORLD/europe/06/04/uk.dolphin/index.html

[Vic]

Less off-topic than it may seem at first:

MontyPython.net,
With over 1050 sounds and 520 scripts available, I think this is the LARGEST Monty Python and Fawlty Towers site anywhere on the net.
http://www.montypython.net/

Or should I have put it in the "Propaganda Analysis" thread? :D

[Adversary2Arabs]

I cannot understand why anyone like Monty Python. It seem everyone in the WORLD likes it, but I have trouble MAKIGN MYSELF laugh while watching hsi movies/shows. I fully understand them, but I guess wet English humor doesn't work for me?

[elke]

Originally posted by Adversary2Arabs
I cannot understand why anyone like Monty Python. It seem everyone in the WORLD likes it, but I have trouble MAKIGN MYSELF laugh while watching hsi movies/shows. I fully understand them, but I guess wet English humor doesn't work for me?

Not everyone likes him, A2A... ;)

[Adversary2Arabs]

:) I know.. when we watched it during school last year, it was so stupid it gave me a headache. LOL. :)

I think you were saying that you don't like it either...I'm kinda slow sometimes. :)

[elke]

You are not slow. You are right, I don't like him very much :)

[cerulean]

I've never even seen Monty Python. This is not a moralistic thing -- I just can't be bothered to do so. From time to time, this is a slight social handicap since so many people seem to have MP skits memorized and make offhand references to them :) .

[Adversary2Arabs]

Do not watch it! Save your brain cells. Thats all I can say.

[elke]

Originally posted by cerulean
I've never even seen Monty Python. This is not a moralistic thing -- I just can't be bothered to do so. From time to time, this is a slight social handicap since so many people seem to have MP skits memorized and make offhand references to them :) .

You aren't missing much, IMO. It's pretty basic humor, from what I've seen (which wasn't much of it).

[Vic]

Originally posted by elke
You aren't missing much, IMO. It's pretty basic humor, from what I've seen (which wasn't much of it). I like the texts more that I like the actual show :D .

[Miriam]

Light relief for "newsjunkies":

http://www.newspoetry.com ...here is the official Newspoetry mission statement:

Newspoetry is

1. an alternative online news source where credible journalism is secondary to interesting writing,
2. a documentary record of the turn of the American millennium,
3. a fun collaborative hypertext writing project
4. an elaborate attempt to get myself to read the newspaper.

[Blueprint]

Israel:
Crazed Palestinian Gunman Angered By Stereotypes (http://www.theonion.com/onion3108/crazedgunman.html)
Northern Irish, Serbs, Hutus Granted Homeland In West Bank (http://www.theonion.com/onion3723/west_bank.htm)
Sexual Tension Between Arafat, Sharon Reaches Breaking Point (http://www.theonion.com/onion3820/sexual_tension.html)

Jews:
Fox Defends Airing Of When Jews Attack (http://www.theonion.com/onion3110/foxdefends.html)
Jewish Elders Lift 6,000-Year Ham Ban (http://www.theonion.com/onion3409/hamban.html)
Did Six Million Really Visit The Holocaust Museum? (http://www.theonion.com/onion3613/did_six_million_visit.html)

[General X]

This will explain arafat in simplest form.

indented = arafat

"Hey, give me a high five or I'll keep punching you"
Okay!
"Now give me a low five or I'll keep kicking you"
Okay!
"Now kill yourself or give me your head on a stick"
No.
"Well then I'll do it for you. This proves that jews don't want peace because they won't comprimise!"

You see, as long as he's killing you, he's happy.

[elke]

Originally posted by General X
[B]This will explain arafat in simplest form.

indented = arafat


You didn't mean "demented", did you? :D

Good Arafat joke! :cool:

[Miriam]

This time, it's damn serious:

(Aaargh, what a well-mannered software... The *'s stand for "BS")


The Ubiquity, Functions, And Contexts Of ********ting
Daniel P. Mears
The Urban Institute

Abstract: ********ting is an essentially social phenomenon worthy of investigation. In support of this view, I provide a definition that provides the basis for suggesting the ubiquity and diverse functions of ********ting, and how it occurs in and is structured by a wide range of interpersonal and social contexts. Drawing upon illustrations from research, everyday life, and classical and contemporary theories, I argue that the study of ********ting can inform and be informed by social theory. In so doing, an illustration is provided of Merton's (1973:59) observation that investigation of seemingly trivial social phenomena can yield insight not only into these phenomena but also into basic dynamics of social behavior.

We have no clear understanding of what ******** is, why there is so much of it, or what functions it serves. . . . Even the most basic and preliminary questions about ******** remain . . . not only unanswered but unasked.

-- Harry Frankfurt (1986:81) http://www.mundanebehavior.org/issues/v3n2/mears.htm

[Mediocrates]

(Miami)--In a move that has significantly altered the political landscape of the Middle East, PLO Chairman Yassir Arafat last Saturday announced his retirement and quickly moved to Miami, Florida. Almost immediately, Arafat claimed 39% of the land owned by Hillel House on the campus of The University of Miami, as well as land occupied by the Moses Mendelssohn Community Retirement Center situated in the trendy South Beach section of the city.

Arafat, however, got more than he bargained for when he attempted to occupy the Retirement Center land. His military incursion was met with fierce resistance by members of the South Beach Hadassah who were meeting in the Center at the time. Reports are still sketchy, but it appears that Arafat and his forces sustained serious casualties and had to abandon their attack when elderly Hadassah members hurled Mah Jongg tiles at the Palestinian terrorists.

"I've never seen anything like it," said Miami Police Chief Buford Rodriquez. "You can't believe the lethal impact of a Mah Jongg tile thrown at 95 mph. Man, some of those grannies ought to try out for the Marlins. They'd be Cy Young contenders for sure."

The European Parliament quickly denounced the Hadassah group's inflammatory use of Mah Jongg tiles, and decided to schedule a debate to decide whether or not to form an exploratory group to consider a proposal to request an investigation into the matter. Under consideration is a proposal in which the Grand Duchy of Liechtenstein would send peacekeeping troops to Miami Beach to establish "safe zones" that would be free of all Mah Jongg activity.

For his part, Arafat is going to appear before the General Assembly of the United Nations to urge the passing of Resolution 843, making Mah Jongg a form of genocide.

[Mediocrates]

http://www.umext.maine.edu/onlinepubs/htmpubs/GrowYears/4251.htm

[elke]

Originally posted by Mediocrates
(Miami)--In a move that has significantly altered the political landscape of the Middle East, PLO Chairman Yassir Arafat last Saturday announced his retirement and quickly moved to Miami, Florida...

Don't laugh too hard, but my husband told me that he had a dream the other night that Arafat moved to Brooklyn, NY! :D ...and that I was furious that he was let in within the 25 mile perimeter of myself! ;) (my question to him was, what exactly is in those new Israeli cigarettes he is smoking? Rudy Giuliani would puke, and Mayor Bloomberg would probably inhale and enjoy it this time! :))

[Miriam]

Originally posted by elke
Don't laugh too hard, but my husband told me that he had a dream the other night that Arafat moved to Brooklyn, NY! :D ...and that I was furious that he was let in within the 25 mile perimeter of myself! ;) (my question to him was, what exactly is in those new Israeli cigarettes he is smoking? Rudy Giuliani would puke, and Mayor Bloomberg would probably inhale and enjoy it this time! ) I guess he will end as a disciple of "our" Rabbi Yess ;)

[elke]

...and here is more from George Clinton ;):

...According to General William "Bootsy" Collins, the primary goal of the ground assault is to breach Hussein's presidential palace, capture the Iraqi leader, and "put some serious funk in his trunk..."

http://www.theonion.com/onion3307/clintondropsdabomb.html

...and you MUST see the photos... :D :cool:

[NewsGuy]

ROFL!!

Mediocrates, you da man!


:D :D :D

[cerulean]

Supposedly a joke based on a Monty Python skit is the winner.

Scientists list world’s funniest joke
http://www.msnbc.com/news/816084.asp?pne=msn

Surely someone can do better than this (well, actually they have - even on this very thread :) ).

[Miriam]

Simon Round
Round about
The Jewish chronicle 18-Oct-2002
http://www.jchron.co.uk/opinionsandfeatures.asp?Page=20&Type=4&Record=18314&Login=True

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°^^

I was alarmed to read in last week’s JC about the plight of our Jewish cousins across the Atlantic.

According to one of the most scary reports I have ever seen, the US Jewish population was said to be “ageing and shrinking.”

You can imagine my horror. Here is a five-million-strong community - many of them, I fondly believed, tall, strong and powerful people - coming over all wrinklie and finding their clothes are suddenly a bit too big for them before our very eyes.

I have to say that I had seen it coming. Anyone who has watched a Woody Allen film in the past decade or so has been treated to the sight of an ageing and shrinking American Jew attempting to snog glamorous young actresses in a rather revolting way. I had, like everyone else, imagined that Woody had always been small, but having read the JC’s headline I am now beginning to suspect that he, the epitome of the Jewish nerd, had been a muscle-bound six-footer until developing the strange American-Jewish sickness which has both aged and shrunk him.

If all of American Jewry is following the way of Woody, then they’ve got big problems. But how funny that this ailment should surface now, when everyone else in America is tipping the scales at the 20-stone mark. Why can’t our people summon the energy to eat the bucket of fries and gallon of milk-shake that everyone in the States seems to have for breakfast (and you should see what they eat when they’re not watching the calories).

Is this shrinking and ageing sickness a virus which strikes only Jews, in which case we are all at risk? Or are the kosher butchers, bakers and grocers of America at fault for malnourishing an entire community?

Desperately, I looked through the papers this week in search of evidence of normal-sized, youthful-looking American Jews. And there, on page nine of Monday’s Daily Mail was a large colour picture of American-Jewish film star Goldie Hawn. It was impossible to tell from the image whether Goldie had shrunk since I last saw her, but one thing was for sure - she wasn’t looking shrivelled and for a woman of her age (apparently she’s 56), she appeared in remarkably good shape.

According to the article, Goldie has managed to arrest the ageing process afflicting her and her co-religionists in America simply by buying up possibly the entire stock of Botox in Southern California and injecting it into her face, thus rendering it beautiful but rigid in the manner of a marble statue. In this way, she can still be admired at Hollywood parties even if she may experience difficulty opening her mouth to talk.

It got me thinking. If there was ever a country which could overcome Ageing Shrinking Jew syndrome, it is the USA, simply because of the science and technology at its disposal. I couldn’t understand why they hadn’t attacked this pernicious syndrome with every means it could muster - with face-lifts, with personal trainers, with implants, with steroids and with very large pastrami sandwiches. But then it occurred to me that they already had, and it had obviously failed.

Just as I was in complete despair and considering sending over food parcels to all of my rapidly shrivelling family across the water, I decided to read past the headline and discovered that American Jews were not individually ageing and shrinking (any more than the rest of us are, that is), but rather that the average age of the Jewish population as a whole is rising, as is the inter-marriage rate, meaning that they are able to produce fewer and and fewer Jewish offspring each year.

However, there is a silver lining to the cloud. Those few Jewish babies that Americans do produce will turn out as big and as strapping as Woody Allen before he contracted the Ageing Shrinking Jew syndrome which, it seems, doesn’t actually exist anyway. What a relief.

[Miriam]

Got this strange feeling in the morning? Take Personality Disorder Test (http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv): "look for the ten recongized personality disorders which are Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal, Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, Narcissistic, Avoidant, Dependent, and Obsessive-Compulsive." The results, delivered on a scale from "low" to "high", are also offered in two c&p versions (HTML and plain text) and can be sent out per e-mail from the same page.

[elke]

The news from the future - today!!! ;) :cool:

http://www.haruth.com/mars.htm

In a stunning development, we have learned that there is life on Mars -- but not the kind that had been anticipated.

The first indication, based on the current U.S. space mission, came when the small roving vehicle called Sojourner spotted a sign on the rocky terrain of Red Planet that read, "Welcome To Chabad House -- Bring Moshiach Now." The sign, in English, thrilled and confused NASA scientists back in Houston, who had no idea what it meant. Only after thorough research did they learn that it revealed the presence of a dedicated and particularly hearty group of Lubavitch chasidim, known for their tireless efforts to reach Jews in the most remote regions, urging them to perform mitzvot.

[Mediocrates]

Originally posted by Miriam
Got this strange feeling in the morning? Take Personality Disorder Test (http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv): "look for the ten recongized personality disorders which are Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal, Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, Narcissistic, Avoidant, Dependent, and Obsessive-Compulsive." The results, delivered on a scale from "low" to "high", are also offered in two c&p versions (HTML and plain text) and can be sent out per e-mail from the same page.

That was, ummm depressing.

There's a Very High category too - I got one.

[Mediocrates]

Two Arabs are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures.

"Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."

...There's a pause...

The second Arab says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Mediocrates]

http://www.eightballmagazine.com/diatribes/diatribes052/diatribes1085-1105/diatribes1085.htm


According the Associated Press al-Qaeda was planning on killing the Pope in 1999 as part of their "bring in the new millennium with a bang" campaign.
Then according to the Sydney Morning Herald in 1986 the British Government (of all people) hired them out for a measly $280,000 to try to assassinate Muammar Gaddafi for them.
Now Bin laden releases a tape on the al-Jazeera Arabic television network where he threatens six U.S. allies: Britain, France, Italy, Germany, Canada and Australia for supporting the US in their efforts to attack Iraq and not doing enough to stop Israeli violence against the Palestinians.
Ok, let's start from the beginning shall we?
What al-Qaeda needs is a God damn mission statement.
Anyone that threatens Canada has obviously lost focus.
I haven't heard of anything that Lou since--- Cobra commander thought he could get Destro's mass device to working with just some heavy water, a meteorite, and handful of radioactive crystals.
There's only organization that I know of that could possibly link killing the Pope, Gaddafi and the entire western world under the same agenda is the Gargoyle gang from "Johnny Sokko and his flying Robot".
And you why could they do it? Because their mission statement was simple; World Domination.

If Emperor Guillotine was losing sleep at night because of the rising costs of treating Malaria in Guyana he never mentioned it in any of the episodes of Johnny Sokko that I ever saw.
No, Emperor Guillotine just wanted to run just like Bin Laden does except Emperor Guillotine had the decency not to try to make it seem like he is going to make the world a better place by doing it.
What the f--- do you accomplish by shooting the Pope and blowing up something in Canada?
More importantly, how are the Pope and Canada connected to ANY of the things that he has come out in the past and said were reasons for al-Qaeda existing?
Why don't you send a few terrorist cells to Republic of Suriname while you're at it, since you are so determined to bring your war to all of the major fronts against al-Qaeda?
The only reason Bin Laden is calling out Australia is because he is embarrassed about how apologetic Kung-fu Jihad has been over the past week or so about killing so many Australians and so few Americans in the attack in Bali.
I wish Bin Laden would just come clean. Who is he kidding? Obviously a whole bunch of people in the middle-east but it seems to me that anyone who was really as dedicated as he supposedly is to becoming a Muslim fundamentalist role model would have duct taped a dirty bomb to his stomach and blew something up years ago.
You never saw a teenaged Bin Laden hanging out around flea markets with a bag strapped around his belly, going thru suicide bomber dry runs. That's because he I didn't take up Islamic fundamentalism until his father cut him out of the family construction business.
Evidently not having domestic help was a religious experience for him and catching the bus to school like all of the other kids must've been like walking in the valley of death.


Source: Associated Press

Comments on this article please send to feedback@eightballmagazine.com

[Miriam]

Originally posted by Mediocrates
That was, ummm depressing.

There's a Very High category too - I got one. Oh come - where? :D

*thinks wistfully of a "Moderators' psycho profiles" thread*

[Miriam]

Israelforum in Cockney

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[Miriam]

Razor Blade Campaign Aims to Cut Suicide Bombings

(2002-11-21) -- A grassroots campaign has been launched to solve the Palestinian suicide bomber epidemic in Israel, just in time for the holidays.

The effort, called 'Razor Blades for Jenin', is an attempt to collect thousands of ordinary razor blades which will be shipped to the Jenin refugee camp and other Palestinian towns. The blades will be distributed to disenchanted Muslim youth who want to kill themselves.

"In America, we have disenchanted kids as well," said one organizer of the charity, "but here, if a teen feels he's oppressed and has no future, he quietly kills himself in his bathroom. When we heard about these suicide bombers, our hearts were moved. Thanks to 'Razor Blades for Jenin,' from now on when a Muslim kid snuffs out his life on a city bus, he goes alone, and quietly into that dark night."

Organizers will also accept monetary gifts. A mere $22 can provide one razor blade to every depressed young person in an average-sized Palestinian village.


http://www.scrappleface.com/MT/archives/000479.html

[MichaelC]

A man walks into a curio shop in Haifa. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it.

He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve shekels for the rat, one hundred shekels for the story," said the owner. The man gave the shop owner twelve shekels. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting and he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Quite frightened by now, he ran to the edge of the bay, and hurled the bronze rat as far out into the bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the bay after it and drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Arab."

[Mediocrates]

Colin Powell speaks Yiddish

http://www.snopes.com/glurge/powell.htm

[Mediocrates]

Ariel Sharon - "The important thing is to shovel the entire width and breadth of the driveway, regardless of what anyone else thinks."

Ehud Barak - "You must shovel most of the driveway, but the exact dimensions of shoveling will be determined in discussions with our neighbors. No wait, you can shovel only in places where snow had previously fallen, but you cannot shovel in places where no snow had fallen - wait, don't do any shoveling until you hear from me!"

Yossi Sarid - "You should not shovel any part of the driveway, since you really do not have any valid historical or legal claim to the driveway, and it will soon be given back to its rightful owners."

Artscroll Hilchos Sheleg ("Laws Regarding Snow; Ashkenaz version, chapter 5) - "First approach the snow with the proper kavanah, meditating on the concept of snow removal. Recite the "...Who commanded us concerning the shoveling of snow" benediction," then take three steps back, bend the knees slightly with feet together, then look at the snow, lift shovel and dig, turning right and then left, bend knees fully, take three steps forward and deposit snow deliberately. Repeat until done, then recite the Sheheheyanu benediction, go indoors and have a hot drink, remembering to say the Shehakol brocha (see Artscroll Hilchos on Drinking Hot Liquids)..."

Tikkun Magazine - "What right do we have to violently take snow from its rightful resting place? Snow has rights: each snowflake is a unique individual, and we have absolutely no right to do anything with it. Let the snow decide for itself what it wishes to do, and then if it wishes to be shoveled, do so humanely."

Rashi - "Snow, this is a form of solid precipitation that clings to
one's beard if you remain outside too long in the winter season. (Old French: neige). Shoveling is a Rabbinic precept, based on the verse In Isaiah 1:18 - "If your sins be like scarlet, they will turn as white as snows"

Birthright Israel - "It does not matter how the shoveling is done, but the very act of a young Jew shoveling snow for ten consecutive days, under proper supervision will have a lifelong impact on Jewish identity."

Meir Ben-Meir (Israeli Water Commissioner) - "Just shovel the snow as fast as you can, and ship it here. We are running out of water fast! Is anyone listening to me?"

Rabbi David Hartman - "Snow is a potent force in the world which
unites all Jews. It falls on us all,regardless of religious denomination and belief, and is therefore instrumental in our understanding of Jewish unity and diversity. In fact, just this week, I was explaining the significance of snow to the Prime Minister, President Weizman, President Clinton, and His Holiness the Pope, who had asked my opinion."

The Late Lubavitcher Rebbe (from an epistle to a disciple) -"Shoveling snow is a distraction from our efforts to bring Moshiach, may He come soon, when in any case there will be no snow to shovel. So leave it and let it melt. If the Messiah does not come by Shavuos, the snow will have miraculously disappeared."

[ayesha]

Originally posted by MichaelC
A man walks into a curio shop in Haifa. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it.

He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve shekels for the rat, one hundred shekels for the story," said the owner. The man gave the shop owner twelve shekels. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting and he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Quite frightened by now, he ran to the edge of the bay, and hurled the bronze rat as far out into the bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the bay after it and drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Arab."

a little racist, no? Where are the moderators? Or is this kind of rubbish allowed on this board? Hilarious..truly. Do you think 'The Bronze Jew' would be as funny?

[lee]

Maybee, yes posably raicst but very very funny!!!


Come on Lighten up a bit

[MichaelC]

Originally posted by ayesha
a little racist, no? Where are the moderators? Or is this kind of rubbish allowed on this board? Hilarious..truly. Do you think 'The Bronze Jew' would be as funny?
To tell the truth, I thought long and hard about posting this at all. I thought to myself, "This is a type of joke that people tell in private, is it suitable for the general public? Is it racist? Will I offend anyone? Do the people on this board pretend we don't tell jokes like this?"

I also thought to myself that it was quite possible that Arabs had no sense of humor, but I didn't really have an answer for that, though you are suggesting to me that some don't.

Ayesha, you have my permission to change the punchline and tell the joke to your friends, which you probably won't since you consider it racist.

I'm sorry that I offended you. It is not my intention to hit below the belt on this forum. If the moderators here admonish me for such a joke, I will certainly apologize to one and all and censor myself in the future. I really didn't think this bit of humor (to some) was any worse than many other things I have seen posted in the Forum with no admonishment from anyone.

[ayesha]

Originally posted by lee
Come on Lighten up a bit

a little hard when the jokes on you.

what a strange sense of humour

[ayesha]

Originally posted by MichaelC
I also thought to myself that it was quite possible that Arabs had no sense of humor, but I didn't really have an answer for that, though you are suggesting to me that some don't.


so we have no sense of humour because we dont laugh with you when you laugh at us? if thats the case then no, my sense of humour is completely different to yours. Maybe I'll change it to 'The Bronze Jew' and tell my friend Rabbi Sacks that joke and see if he finds that funny -takes a lot for him to laugh. if it works i'll put my hands up and confess my sense of humour stinks. but somehow i dont think that will be the case. u are contributing to the hostility by telling jokes such as these.

[Miriam]

Originally posted by ayesha
so we have no sense of humour because we dont laugh with you when you laugh at us? if thats the case then no, my sense of humour is completely different to yours. Maybe I'll change it to 'The Bronze Jew' and tell my friend Rabbi Sacks that joke and see if he finds that funny -takes a lot for him to laugh. if it works i'll put my hands up and confess my sense of humour stinks. but somehow i dont think that will be the case. u are contributing to the hostility by telling jokes such as these. I agree that the joke is not in best taste, especially when told outside of Israel by a non-Israeli. On the other hand, you must make allowances for the fact that Israeli reality does inspire bitter, and sometimes coarse humour among the country's inhabitants. British Jews aren't delivering certain acts, etc., but we would be getting off-topic here.

MichaelC, don't try to fight other people's fights to this degree. There are plenty other options.

[Mediocrates]

Q: What's a brunette standing between two blondes?




A: An interpreter.

[Mediocrates]

Q: How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?






A: Invade Poland

[Miriam]

Ladies and Europeans, don't do the kid the favour of reacting to it - he'll still take some time to grow up :p

[Mediocrates]

So these two cannibals were cooking a clown and one says to the other -



"Does this taste funny?"

[MichaelC]

Originally posted by ayesha
so we have no sense of humour because we dont laugh with you when you laugh at us? if thats the case then no, my sense of humour is completely different to yours. Maybe I'll change it to 'The Bronze Jew' and tell my friend Rabbi Sacks that joke and see if he finds that funny -takes a lot for him to laugh. if it works i'll put my hands up and confess my sense of humour stinks. but somehow i dont think that will be the case. u are contributing to the hostility by telling jokes such as these.
Both my grandparents on my father's side are from Northern Ireland. I have heard far worse jokes than this about the Irish. In fact, last Christmas, a lady gave me some Irish linen dish towels with mocking parodies of the Irish on them, which caused only smiles.

I apologize to you again. It is clear such jokes are not for everyone and my somewhat forward nature was out of place in this instance. Wouldn't be the first time.

I want you to know that I have thought about this even more given your reaction and in doing so, I realize that my anger is certainly not against "all" arabs, but against a considerable number whose actions warrant a great deal of disrespect.

[MichaelC]

Originally posted by Miriam
I agree that the joke is not in best taste, especially when told outside of Israel by a non-Israeli. On the other hand, you must make allowances for the fact that Israeli reality does inspire bitter, and sometimes coarse humour among the country's inhabitants. British Jews aren't delivering certain acts, etc., but we would be getting off-topic here.

MichaelC, don't try to fight other people's fights to this degree. There are plenty other options.
I appreciate your comments, Miriam, and thank you for taking the time to make them.

As to the way in which some are beginning to join the "fight" as you put it, I believe, myself, that the fight is no longer the fight of only one group but the fight of every concerned person on the planet.

Jews have had to become totally self reliant and accustomed to standing alone. I pray that people everywhere will wake up and join hands not only with Israel but Jewish people in general as I am sick at heart at the inhumanity shown them.

This fight has felt personal to me since 1972 when one of its most terrible tragedies was televised into living rooms around the world. I hope that more people everyday begin to take this fight personally and realize that they'd better make themselves part of it before it is too late.

My apologies again for my insensitive and ill placed humor.

[Mediocrates]

If you can't laugh at suffering and misery then you haven't lived with it enough.

[MichaelC]

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine -- "la maison."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine -- "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French
dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups, appropriately
enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should
be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give
four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine order ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The Women won.

[elke]

Yes, I like the second one much better too :) (especially since the ladies won!;))

Ayesha, don't take this joke personally: sometimes, people just don't consider all the implications of these things.

[ayesha]

Originally posted by MichaelC


There's a difference.
Michael, look, I can take a joke about myself anyday - after all a joke's a joke. However, when it has an ending like that it's a little more than a joke wouldnt u agree? I too have heard a lot of jokes about "the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman" with the Irish guy always being the fool heading the punchline. However, I have never heard of a joke about wanting all the Irish to jump into the sea, or insinuate what that joke does, have you?
A joke about "The Dumb Arab" is funny, but the one about "The Dead Arab" maybe your cup of tea, but isnt mine.

Either way, no real harm done.

[Mediocrates]

The tune and tempo are very soft, intimate, loungish Bosa Nova.

Last night I took you home
And we began to hmmmmm
You were such a hmmmmm
Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm only seventeen
Hmmm hmmm hmmm leather skirts
Hmmm hmmm hmmm rubber shirts
Hmm hmm hmm hmmmm and jars of Vaseline

Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm
Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm -- pick up the soap!
Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm -- mayonnaise and rope!

Then from the chandelier
The three of us did hmmm hmmmm hmmmm
Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm
Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm hospital for life
Hmmm hmmm hmmm whips and chains
Hmmm hmmm hmmm Great Danes
Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm your wife

The Humming Song
Copyright circa 1980 by (probably) Rear Exit Music Inc. and
the one, the only Martin Mull who actually performed it on national commercial TV once.

[Frans_1]

I heard this one once.

>>>>>

Two Jewish families are living in the desert. They build three synagogues, one for each family, one to boycott.

<<<<<

[elke]

Originally posted by Frans_1
I heard this one once.

>>>>>

Two Jewish families are living in the desert. They build three synagogues, one for each family, one to boycott.

<<<<<

Good joke! :) This tendency is, IMO, actually both our curse and our salvation!

[Mediocrates]

Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns.
Bring all of your friends who have guns.
Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough or using cover correctly.
Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend.
If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.
In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. All skill is in vain when an Angel urinates in the flintlock of your musket.
Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
Always cheat always win. The only unfair fight is the one you loose.
Have a plan.
Have a back-up plan because the first one won’t work.
Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
Don’t drop your guard.
Always Tac load and threat scan 360 degrees.
Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep you hands where I can see them.)
Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
Be courteous to everyone. Friendly to no one.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight, unless it is your third line of defense.
Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

[Micah]

From Arafat to Jaques Chirac

The theme of this letter is not "It is our responsibility to ensure that P.M. Ariel Sharon doesn't prevent me from sleeping soundly at night." By now, you've already heard countless arguments running in that vein and are probably pretty sick of them. The theme of this letter is "He can't control his desire to have everything he wants and to have it now." But first, let me pose you a question: Is he actually concerned about any of us, or does he just want to renege on an incredibly large number of promises? After reading this letter, you'll definitely find it's the latter.

He periodically puts up a facade of reform. However, underneath the pretty surface, it's always business as usual. The best gauge of the value of my attitudes, the sincerity of my convictions, and the force of my will is the hostility I receive from the worst classes of sexist gits there are. So please permit me to appropriate and paraphrase something I once heard: "He proclaims at every opportunity that his mission is to devalue me as a person."

Although the themes in P.M. Sharon's remonstrations are limited, I need your help if I'm ever to deal with P.M. Sharon appropriately. "But I'm only one person," you might protest. "What difference can I make?" The answer is: a lot more than you think. You see, I feel that writing this letter is like celestial navigation. Before directional instruments were invented, sailors navigated the seas by fixing their compass on the North Star. But P.M. Sharon has recently been going around claiming that profits come before people. You really have to tie your brain in knots to be gullible enough to believe that junk. P.M. Sharon is out to use mass organization as a system of integration and control. And when we play his game, we become accomplices. In my view, he thinks it would be a great idea to cast ordinary consumption and investment decisions in the light of high religious purpose. Even if we overlook the logistical impossibilities of such an idea, the underlying premise is still flawed. Just because ignominious fetishism exists and has for a long time, there is no reason for us to accept it from P.M. Sharon.

It is probably unwise to say this loudly, but his lackeys consider his platitudes a breath of fresh air. I, however, find them more like the fetid odor of despotism. He thinks that he can make me go crazy if he can paint people of different races and cultures as lackadaisical alien forces undermining the coherent national will. That's the sort of statement that some people suspect is obstinate, but which I believe is merely a statement of fact. And it's a statement that needs to be made, because he thinks that he is a perpetual victim of injustice. Of course, thinking so doesn't make it so.

It's good that you're reading this letter. It's good that you're listening to what I'm saying. But reading and listening aren't enough. You must also be willing to help me debate the efficacy of P.M. Sharon's irritating subliminal psywar campaigns. If P.M. Sharon continues to steal our birthrights, crime will escalate as schools deteriorate, corruption increases, and quality of life plummets. I myself stand by what I've written before, that he appears to have found a new tool to use to help him squeeze every last drop of blood from our overworked, overtaxed bodies. That tool is hooliganism, and if you watch him wield it, you'll undoubtedly see why in his opinions, pauperism is witting and unremitting, illiterate and blockish. He revels in it, rolls in it, and uses it to obstruct various things. P.M. Sharon is perfectly willing to show his embarrassingly poor reasoning and warped ethics in print. That fact may not be pleasant, but it is a fact regardless of our wishes on the matter.

He thinks that two wrongs make a right. However, his fabulous success is not firmly connected with meritorious ability. Should you think I'm saying too much, please note that this is not wild speculation. This is not a conspiracy theory. This is documented fact. Pardon my coarse language, but we must reveal the nature and activity of P.M. Sharon's legatees and expose their inner contexts as well as their ultimate final aims. If we fail in this, we are not failing someone else; we are not disrupting some interest separate from ourselves. Rather, it is we who suffer when we neglect to observe that we are observing the change in our society's philosophy and values from freedom and justice to corruption, decay, cynicism, and injustice. All of these "values" are artistically incorporated in one person: Ariel Sharon.

Now, it is not my purpose to suggest that I have no sympathy for him, but rather to force him into early retirement. P.M. Sharon is terrified that there might be an absolute reality outside himself, a reality that is what it is, regardless of his wishes, theories, hopes, daydreams, or decrees. If he wants to muddy the word "anthropophysiography", fine. Just don't make me jump in the lake while he's at it. I note in passing that questionable statistics, pseudo-scientific studies, and biased reports open the gates of hell. P.M. Sharon vehemently denies that, of course. But he obviously would, because if he wants to promote the lie of escapism, let him wear the opprobrium of that decision.

One might conclude that it is up to each of us to improve the living conditions of the most vulnerable in our society -- the sick, the old, the disabled, the unemployed, and our youth -- all of whose lives are made miserable by Ariel Sharon. Alternatively, one might conclude that there is much more of this to come. In either case, I indisputably insist that his toadies are easily manipulated. My views, of course, are not the issue here. The issue is that his tirades are tinctured with insurrectionism. But the problems with his practices don't end there.

He wants us to feel sorry for the antiheroism-prone pests who blend together barbarism and racism in a train wreck of monumental proportions. I think we should instead feel sorry for their victims, all of whom know full well that no matter what else we do, our first move must be to educate everyone about how double standards are always asinine. That's the first step: education. Education alone is not enough, of course. We must also take a strong position on P.M. Sharon's canards, which, after all, insist that our society be infested with elitism, cameralism, factionalism, and an impressive swarm of other "isms". If, today, the urge of P.M. Sharon's war-soul can prompt him to place stumbling blocks in front of those of us who seek value and fulfilment in our personal and professional lives, then imagine, if you can, how that same soul will express itself through the thousandfold-more-grumpy P.M. Sharon of tomorrow. To bring the matter closer to home, let me remind you that this is a lesson for those with eyes to see. It is a lesson not so much about his obstreperous behavior, but about the way that he tries to make us think the way he wants us to think, not by showing us evidence and reasoning with us, but by understanding how to push our emotional buttons. On the issue of absenteeism, P.M. Sharon is wrong again. Sure, he has no soul. But my goal is to indicate in a rough and approximate way the two empty-headed tendencies that I believe are the main driving force of modern vigilantism. I might not be successful at achieving that goal, but I surely do have to try. The tyrannical sexism I've been writing about is not primarily the fault of rapacious wimps, nor of the dissolute survivalists who force us to experience the full spectrum of the Ariel Sharon Rainbow of Animalism. It is the fault of Ariel Sharon.

We've all heard him yammer and whine about how he's being scapegoated again, the poor dear. At first blush, it appears that his crusades are incompatible with the proclivities of instrumental reason. However, if he had done his homework, he'd know that for the nonce, he is content to tour the country promoting egocentric materialism in lectures and radio talk show interviews. But in a lustrum or two, he will violate strongly held principles regarding deferral of current satisfaction for long-term gains. The fact that as conscious, sentient beings aware of our actions and capable of response, we must make an impartial and well-informed evaluation of the advantages and disadvantages of P.M. Sharon's commentaries is particularly striking, since P.M. Sharon's method (or school, or ideology -- it is hard to know exactly what to call it) goes by the name of "P.M. Sharon-ism". It is a piteous and avowedly heinous philosophy that aims to label everyone P.M. Sharon doesn't like as a racist, sexist, fascist, communist, or some equally terrible "-ist". Lastly, P.M. Ariel Sharon looks down with a really limitless condescension on anyone who has not been dragged through the obligatory schools and had the necessary knowledge pumped into him.

[mosh]

Saddam Hussein phoned President George W. Bush.

"I had a dream about the United States," he said. "I could see the

>whole country, and over every building and home was a banner,"

>said Hussein.

>"What was on the banner?" asked Mr. Bush.

>"Long Live Saddam!" answered the Arab dictator.

>"I am so glad that you called," said President Bush, "because

>I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw Iraq and it was more

>beautiful than ever; totally rebuilt, many, many beautiful

>tall, gleaming buildings, filled with clean-shaven workers,

>both male & female and over every building and home was a big,

>beautiful banner."

>"What did the banner say?" asked Saddam.

>

>"I don't know," answered President Bush, "I can't read Hebrew!"

[MichaelC]

Well, probably going to get in trouble for this, but I just can't help it.......it is tooooooooooo funny !

1. How many gears in a French tank?

Six, five reverse and one forward in case they are attacked from behind.

2. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?

The Army.

3. How do you stop a French tank?

Shoot the guy pushing.

4. How did the French advertise surplus World War I rifles?

"Never fired, only dropped once."

5. Why might the French send troops to the Gulf?

To teach the Iraqis how to surrender.

6. A Frenchwoman is in a bar with a parrot. The barman says:
"That's an ugly bird. Where did you get it?"

The parrot says: "France, there's millions of 'em!"

7. Why does the new French Navy use glass-bottomed boats?

To see the old French Navy.

[MichaelC]

http://www.brokennewz.com/weekend/secondresolution.asp

US To Propose Second Resolution: French Vow Surrender 2/21/2003 - Aaron R. Inkenbrandt


In an attempt to encourage UN approval for military action in Iraq, the United States plans to submit a proposal for a second security council resolution. This second resolution is a watered-down version of the Bush Administration's original draft which directly threatened military consequences for Iraqi failure to disarm. The new US proposal will call for "haughty disdain" on the part of the UN if Iraq continues to evade weapons inspectors. US Secretary of State Colin Powell voiced his support of the new proposal stating "I think this proposal will send a strong message to the world that the UN is only mostly irrelevant."
French foreign minister Dominique de Villepin dismissed news of the American proposal as "reckless" and "potentially destabilizing". de Villepin stated that if this proposal reaches the security council "the French government will have no choice but to surrender." "The fact that Iraq has no weapons of mass destruction doesn't mean that they don't intend to use them" said de Villepin. British foreign minister Jack Straw along with US ambassador to France Howard H. Leach met with French President Jacques Chirac over the weekend to reassure him that NATO stands ready to defend France in the event of any Iraqi retaliation for UN disdain. Rejecting this offer, Chirac said that, "Taking measures to protect ourselves, would be tantamount to admitting that the [UN] inspections were not working." Chirac further stated "The people of France will not accept sovereignty or national security as legitimate reasons for self-defense. France will staunchly avoid provocation and to pursue an aggressive policy of pre-emptive surrender."
French and German officials are expected to present an alternative second security council resolution early this week. This Franco-German resolution is expected to give Iraq one last chance to disarm before the UN concedes the Sudetenland. The proposal also leaves open the option for a third resolution possibly involving portions of Poland.

[sharonbn]

when traveling abroad
http://www.insults.net/html/swear/index.html

enjoy,
Sharon.

[Miriam]

my favourite - the Biblical Curse Generator: http://www.shipoffools.com/Features/Curses/Curses_body.html

[Miriam]

English Sans French (http://www.csmonitor.com/2003/0314/p10s02-comv.html)

[MichaelC]

http://www.chortler.com/iraqtv.shtml

Today On Iraqi Television

7:00 Baghdad Today -- Host Peter Arnett looks over the past day's successes by the Iraqi troops and the failures of the American army.

9:00 Saddam and Son -- The ever-popular sitcom involving a father and son living in massive junk heap that was once a collection of royal places.

10:00 Speech from Saddam Double I -- older, Groucho Marx-type Saddam double reads a three-hour script on the glories of the regime and the evils of the invading American infidels.

1:00 Blank Screen -- our daily program featuring nothing but a blank screen while staff perform maintenance (run for cover actually). Today's blank screen color: grey.

5:00 Speech from Saddam Double II -- younger, suaver Tom Selleck-type double reads a three-hour script on the glories of the regime and the evils of the invading American infidels.

8:00 Iraqi Survivor -- in the largest reality show ever made for television, 20 million people compete to be liberated from an evil tyrant, while continual gunfire and bombings follow their every move.

10:00 Nightly Fireworks Display -- Another excerpt of the $75 billion American pyrotechnics exhibition showing throughout Baghdad, now in its second week

[mimil]

THE QUESTION: Why the chicken have does crosses the road?

RENE DESCARTES: To go to the other side.
PLATO: For its good. The other side holds the Truth.
ARISTOTE: It is the nature of chicken to cross the roads.
KARL MARX: it was historically inevitable.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To go where no other chicken had gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of secretion of its pancreas.
MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.: I have the vision of a world or all the chickens would be free to cross the road without having has to justify their act.
RICHARD Mr. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road, I repeat, the chicken NEVER did cross the road.
NICOLAS MACHIAVEL: significant event it is that the chicken has crossed the road. The end in itself to cross the road justifies any reason whatsoever.
SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are worried about the fact that the chicken has crossed the road reveals your strong feeling of latent sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES We precisely have just developed the new Chicken Office 2003", which will not be only satisfied to cross the roads, but will brood also eggs, will classify your significant files, etc...
BUDDHA: To put this question disavows your own chicken nature.
GALILEE: And yet, it crosses.
CHARLES DE GAULLE: Chicken perhaps crossed the road, but it does not have yet crosses the Highway!
BILL CLINTON: I swear on the constitution that it is nothing happened between this chicken and me.
EINSTEIN: The fact that it is the chicken which crosses the road or the road which is driven under chicken depends only on your referential.
ZEN: The chicken can vainly cross the road, only the Master knows the noise of his shade behind the wall. FOREST GUMP: RUN CHICKEN RUN!!!
STALIN: the chicken will have to be shoot at once, like all the witnesses of the scene and 10 other people taken randomly, not to have not prevents this subversive act.
GEORGE W. BUSH: The fact that the chicken could cross this road in all impunity in spite of the resolutions of UN represents an affront to democracy, freedom and justice. This proves undoubtedly that we should have bombed this road a long time ago. With an aim of ensuring peace in this area, and to prevent that the values which we defend are once more ridiculed by this kind of terrorism, the government of the United States of America decided to send 17 aircraft carriers, 46 destroyers 154 cruisers, with on the ground 243000 GI and in the airs 846 bombers, which will have the role in the name of freedom and of democracy, to eliminate any trace of life in the hen houses 5000 km around, then to make sure by shootings at any target which resembles closely or by far to a hen house is reduced to nothing. We have decides that then, this country will liberally be taken charges by our government, which will rebuild hen houses according to the safety of the government in force, a cock democratically elected by the ambassador of the United States. In financing this rebuildings, we will be rewarded by the total control of the corn production of the area during 30 years, knowing that the local inhabitants will be given a preferential rate on part of this production, in exchange of their total co-operation. In this new country of justice, peace and of freedom, we can ensure you that never again a chicken will try to cross a road, for the simple good reason, that there will be no more roads, and that the chickens will not have any more legs.
God blesses America.

[MichaelC]

Originally posted by mimil
THE QUESTION: Why the chicken have does crosses the road?

RENE DESCARTES: To go to the other side.
PLATO: For its good. The other side holds the Truth.
ARISTOTE: It is the nature of chicken to cross the roads.
KARL MARX: it was historically inevitable.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To go where no other chicken had gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of secretion of its pancreas.
MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.: I have the vision of a world or all the chickens would be free to cross the road without having has to justify their act.
RICHARD Mr. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road, I repeat, the chicken NEVER did cross the road.
NICOLAS MACHIAVEL: significant event it is that the chicken has crossed the road. The end in itself to cross the road justifies any reason whatsoever.
SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are worried about the fact that the chicken has crossed the road reveals your strong feeling of latent sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES We precisely have just developed the new Chicken Office 2003", which will not be only satisfied to cross the roads, but will brood also eggs, will classify your significant files, etc...
BUDDHA: To put this question disavows your own chicken nature.
GALILEE: And yet, it crosses.
CHARLES DE GAULLE: Chicken perhaps crossed the road, but it does not have yet crosses the Highway!
BILL CLINTON: I swear on the constitution that it is nothing happened between this chicken and me.
EINSTEIN: The fact that it is the chicken which crosses the road or the road which is driven under chicken depends only on your referential.
ZEN: The chicken can vainly cross the road, only the Master knows the noise of his shade behind the wall. FOREST GUMP: RUN CHICKEN RUN!!!
STALIN: the chicken will have to be shoot at once, like all the witnesses of the scene and 10 other people taken randomly, not to have not prevents this subversive act.
GEORGE W. BUSH: The fact that the chicken could cross this road in all impunity in spite of the resolutions of UN represents an affront to democracy, freedom and justice. This proves undoubtedly that we should have bombed this road a long time ago. With an aim of ensuring peace in this area, and to prevent that the values which we defend are once more ridiculed by this kind of terrorism, the government of the United States of America decided to send 17 aircraft carriers, 46 destroyers 154 cruisers, with on the ground 243000 GI and in the airs 846 bombers, which will have the role in the name of freedom and of democracy, to eliminate any trace of life in the hen houses 5000 km around, then to make sure by shootings at any target which resembles closely or by far to a hen house is reduced to nothing. We have decides that then, this country will liberally be taken charges by our government, which will rebuild hen houses according to the safety of the government in force, a cock democratically elected by the ambassador of the United States. In financing this rebuildings, we will be rewarded by the total control of the corn production of the area during 30 years, knowing that the local inhabitants will be given a preferential rate on part of this production, in exchange of their total co-operation. In this new country of justice, peace and of freedom, we can ensure you that never again a chicken will try to cross a road, for the simple good reason, that there will be no more roads, and that the chickens will not have any more legs.
God blesses America. You went to all this trouble just so you could bash America?

[mimil]

Originally posted by MichaelC
You went to all this trouble just so you could bash America?

No michaelC, even so I said I would not reply I feel this one will not piss you off. I translated from an email I received. I have a couple of fun pictures also, but they are not allowed here.

It's healthy to have an opposition, so here I am. Sorry if it annoys you (And I really mean it).

[humus_sapiens]

Originally posted by mimil
It's healthy to have an opposition...

Mimil, why don't you promote "healthy opposition" to totalitarian regimes, such as Iraq under Saddam, Syria under Assad, Egypt under Mubaraq, PLO under Arafat, etc.?

[mimil]

Originally posted by humus_sapiens
Mimil, why don't you promote "healthy opposition" to totalitarian regimes, such as Iraq under Saddam, Syria under Assad, Egypt under Mubaraq, PLO under Arafat, etc.?

I am working on it. I can't be everywhere at the same time :D

[mimil]

http://www.baileythomson.btinternet.co.uk/gallery1.htm

http://www.baileythomson.btinternet.co.uk/gallery2.htm

http://www.baileythomson.btinternet.co.uk/gallery3.htm

http://www.baileythomson.btinternet.co.uk/gallery4.htm

http://www.baileythomson.btinternet.co.uk/gallery5.htm

http://www.baileythomson.btinternet.co.uk/gallery6.htm

http://www.baileythomson.btinternet.co.uk/gallery7.htm

http://www.baileythomson.btinternet.co.uk/gallery8.htm

http://www.baileythomson.btinternet.co.uk/gallery9.htm

http://www.baileythomson.btinternet.co.uk/gallery10.htm

[MichaelC]

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest player in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war." - Chris Rock

[Donna]

From a blog: http://braden.weblogs.com/humor/warOnTerror

Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a Colt 45 M1911A-1 semiautomatic pistol and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer:
"Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion."

Conservative Answer:
BANG!

Marine Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of magazine being ejected and fresh magazine installed)
Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"
Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw him moving too..."
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy!"

[sharonbn]

Saddam's doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam look-alikes.

"Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news.
The good news is Saddam is still alive.
The bad news is he lost an arm."

[Donna]

Originally posted by sharonbn
Saddam's doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam look-alikes.

"Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news.
The good news is Saddam is still alive.
The bad news is he lost an arm."

:D :D

[yoyo]

Is Islam a Zionist conspiracy?

http://www.backwash.com/content_frame.php?id=6e445c935d949ec693f5f00f67103 d31&retPath=contentboard.php%3Fcon_id%3D22611

[Communication]

Avraham was talking to his son Yitzhak about plans to upgrade his computer to Win 95.

Yitzhac says, 'you're crazy, dad. Your old computer doesnt have enough speed or memory to run Win 95. You'll need at least a 486 with 128 M of memory.

So Avraham says to Yitzhak, 'Dont worry, my son, G_d will provide the RAM.''

[humus_sapiens]

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

[andak01]

I have a general rule about declaring a weapon to be a 'precision weapon'. It has to fall in the country that it is aimed at.

http://www.sptimes.com/2003/03/23/Worldandnation/3_errant_missiles_hit.shtml

My aunt is going in for a cateract operation. The doctor is advising surgical bombing.

They tried to hold an election in Iraq yesterday, the ballots were looted and the ballot counters were shot while looting.

We have the right and obligation to attack countries even before they have declared war on us because of threats they MIGHT develop in the future. Sorry, that was a joke when Hitler tried it on Poland. Today it has become an accepted fact.

Stop me if you've heard these.

[Mediocrates]

http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun/df200306/df20030613.jpg

[yoyo]

http://forums.virtualjerusalem.com/cgi-bin/board-auth.cgi?file=/43/7590.jpg

[humus_sapiens]

Dan Rather, Jesse Jackson, Cokie Roberts from National Public Radio and an Israeli soldier were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief.

The chief said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job til the end." The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief said, "And, Mr. Israeli soldier, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass." said the Israeli.
"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass." insisted the Israeli.

So the chief untied the soldier, shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Israeli went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his uzi, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were all dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Israeli was untying the others, they each asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the Israeli, "And have you fu*kers call ME the aggressor?!?"

(by Arlene Peck)

[andak01]

What's the frequency Kenneth?
http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,613,00.html
http://www.remhq.com/videos/whatsThe.html
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/r/r.e.m./86121.htm

[yoyo]

4 reasons Jesus was Jewish

1. He lived at his mum until the age of 30
2. His mum thought he was a god
3. He thought his mother was a virgin
4. After more than 2000 years he still has a thriving business

[yoyo]

A little Jewish woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or is getting worse."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, " Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic, darling!... That's wonderful news!"

The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! My doctor doesn't tell me !"

[Mediocrates]

More, from my pitch black bag-o-humor

http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun/df200307/df20030702.jpg

[sharonbn]

1) Go to Google.com;
2) type in (but don’t hit return): “weapons of mass destruction”;
3) Hit the “I’m feeling lucky” button, instead of the normal “Google search” button;
4) READ what appears to be a normal error message carefully

[elke]

Originally posted by sharonbn
1) Go to Google.com;
2) type in (but don’t hit return): “weapons of mass destruction”;
3) Hit the “I’m feeling lucky” button, instead of the normal “Google search” button;
4) READ what appears to be a normal error message carefully

:D

[LevyCohen]

Originally posted by ayesha
a little racist, no? Where are the moderators? Or is this kind of rubbish allowed on this board? Hilarious..truly. Do you think 'The Bronze Jew' would be as funny?


The truly sickening part is that jokes about Jews arent just told much more than arab ones, they are accepted.
Some of these jokes:

Jews control the world
Jews and Israel have no right to live
all Jews have big noses, are cheap and its acceptable to murder them.

Only in the last century or so has the last joke become less acceptable, unfortunately, it still seems to be...

Sorry that you find it offensive, but I find it offensive that so many ignore jewish plight, as the joke of dead jews is still funny to murderers and their supporters

[frizzer1]

Hilchos TV

HILCHOS TV

Author's Preface: This book must not be used as a guide to practical
Halochoh. I am not a qualified posek. I failed my CPA exam. I do not even
have a driver's license. The sole purpose of this work is to provide a
basic
understanding of the halochic issues relating to owning and using the
television, and to convince my father-in-law that it was worth supporting
me
in kollel for the last 23 years. All halochic questions should be brought
to
a reader's local, qualified machmir. I want to acknowledge my gratitude to
Hashem Yisborach, to my wife Chashie, to my children Bini, Pini, Minnie,
Mashie, Bashie, Rashie, Ushi, Chushi and Harold. And to the one who
instilled
in me the love of television, Captain Kangaroo.

I. Definition of Television
A. The Halochoh defines television as any instrument which receives an
audio
and video signal, with a screen to display the video transmission and a
speaker to amplify the sound. According to Rav Hai Gaon, an electrical
supply
is part of the definition of television (a so-called Hai-Definition
television).

B. The Urim V'Tumim is believed to have resembled a television, though it
appears to have lacked a remote.

C. The Medrash says that Odom Harishon knew everything, obviously
including
how to invent a television.

D. In the days of Moshiach, everyone who wants a television will own one,
there will be no commercials, and all weather forecasts will be accurate.

II. Owning a Television
A. It is an Issur D'Oraisa to own a television according to most
authorities.
Some say it is an Issur D'Rabbonon. All agree that owning a television
involves almost as many Issurim as speaking Loshon Hora.

B. Owning a television that is broken is permitted, provided the insides
have
been removed, replaced with potting soil, and the television is used as a
planter. A Ba'al Nefesh will refrain from this practice.

C. One who borrows a television for more than thirty days is considered as
one who owns it, even if it is later returned. Any loan of a television is
canceled at the Yovel, along with magical objects, under the principle of
Shemitos Keshafim. This principle will not apply on New Years' Day to a
television tuned to the Pros Bowl.

III. Getting Benefit (Hano'oh) from Television
A. It is prohibited to derive benefit from television. Don't even think
about
it.

IV. The Laws of B'rochos
A. It is required to recite a Shehechiyonu on a new television, some say
at
the time of purchase, some say at the time of watching it for the first
time,
some say at the first time of watching an entertaining and popular program
that is not interrupted every five minutes by annoying commercials
featuring
furry animals, cute children or a talking carton of milk.

B. When hearing a B'rocho recited on television, one should respond
"Omen,"
although this does not fulfill an obligation. When the B'rocho is recited
by
a Goyische actor with a lousy Hebrew accent, one should snicker
derisively.

V. The Laws of Kashrus
A. One should not eat meat while dairy products are being advertised on
television, lest one come to mix the two. It is preferable to wait six
hours
before watching a dairy advertisement. However, if the advertisement
appears
in between two non-dairy advertisements, it is considered Bottel B'Rov,
unless the ad includes Tommy Lasorda or Tommy Lee Jones (in which case it
is
Nosen Tom).

B. After eating meat, a pregnant woman with a craving for ice cream may
watch
an advertisement for Hagen-Dazs, but only if the reception is fuzzy.

C. One should not eat dairy while meat products are being advertised on
television, unless one has just brushed one's teeth. An intervening
toothpaste or mouthwash ad is also acceptable.

D. It is forbidden to derive Hano'oh from an advertisement for Bosor
B'Cholov, such as a ch-seburger. When such an advertisement begins, one
should immediately cover one's face, turn off the television and recite
some
Tehillim.

VI. The Laws of Tefiloh
A. It is forbidden to postpone prayer in order to watch a program on
television. However, if one is already engaged in watching a program, in
Eretz Yisroel you may delay prayer until the program is finished, while in
Chutz Lo'Oretz you may delay until the first commercial.

B. It is permitted to Daven B'Yechidus in order to catch one's favorite
sitcom, but only on Thursday nights.

C. When one's television is broken, one should pray for its speedy repair.
It
is permissible to engage in Hishtadlus and call a repairman. In the event
the
repairman actually shows up, it is proper to recite the B'rocho of
She'Osoh
Nissim.

VII. Talking During Television Watching
A. It is forbidden to engage in idle talk during a television program,
because it would be a Hefsaik (interruption). If the speech is related to
the
watching (e.g. "Please pass the remote," or "Doesn't Kathie Lee Gifford
make
you nauseous?"), no Hefsaik occurs. Nevertheless, it is preferable to
refrain
from any speech, especially if the person sitting next to you threatens to
"punch your lights out" if you say another word.

B. During commercials, conversation is not considered a Hefsaik.
Nevertheless, one who is able to refrain from talking during commercials
should do so. The story is told about the mother of a famous Gadol who was
asked why she merited to give birth to a Torah giant. She said, "I never
disturbed my husband during commercials, and I never paid retail."

VIII.The Laws of Shabbos
A. Before Shabbos one should unplug the television and cover it with a
velvet
Challoh cover, Li'Kovod Shabbos. There is a dispute whether it is required
that the Challoh cover be encased in plastic.

B. If a young child accidentally turns on a television during Shabbos
(Rochmonoh Lotzlon), it is vital to respond without causing additional
Chilul
Shabbos. The following things should be done (in order of preferability.

1. If there is an Eruv, move yourself and your family into a neighbor's
house
for the duration of Shabbos.
2. If there is no Eruv, one must avoid looking at the television, even
unintentionally. Men should tip their hat brim over their eyes. Women
should
tip their sheitel forward over their eyes. Children should wrap long
strips
of cloth over their eyes.

3. If this is not possible, one should seek out a Gentile and indirectly
ask
him if there is anything good to watch on Friday nights.
IX. The Laws of Paisach
A. It is very difficult to clean a television for Paisach because of all
the
little holes in the back of the set. Therefore, many authorities require
that
one throw out one's televisions before Paisach and buy new ones for
Paisach.

B. According to R. Blumenkrantz, a television should be cleaned for
Paisach
as follows. First, remove the back of the television by unscrewing the
screws
under the sticker that warns against removing the back of the television.
Then clean each instrument with an ammonia-based cleaner. Finally, to
eliminate the Chometz absorbed when the television gets hot, the entire
television set should be immersed in boiling hot water (Hagoloh). R.
Blumenkrantz recommends unplugging the television first.

[Adversary2Arabs]

I had to share this that I just read at Arutz Sheva:
--------------------

In A Hurry Young Man?
09:12 Jul. 09, '03 / 9 Tammuz 5763


(IsraelNN.com) A young driver in a sports car was apprehended by police near the Polag Interchange traveling 222 KPH (137 MPH) in a 90 KPH (55 MPH) zone.

The brazen driver told the policeman it is just not possible, explaining he hadn't even reached sixth gear. His license was suspended for thirty days pending a court appearance.

[Mediocrates]

http://beta.xko.cz/danny/EUROPE-ITALY.swf

[yoyo]

A Muslim was killed in a car accident. He arrives at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter says "I'm St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven".

The Muslim says "Nice to meet you Peter but I'm a Muslim and I want to meet Muhammad."

St. Peter says "Sure no problem. Climb up that ladder behind you
and you will meet Muhammad"

The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top and there is Moses.

Moses says "Hi I'm Moses. Welcome to Heaven".

The Muslim is very excited - "Moses, its such an honour to meet you. But like I told St. Peter, I'm a Muslim and I really want to meet Muhammad".

Moses says "No problem. Climb up the ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad."

The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top,he can't see anything but bright light.

He sees this figure before him and asks "Who are you?"

The figure responds - "I am G-d. Nice to meet you. Welcome to Heaven".

God walks over and shakes his hand. The Muslim is stunned - he can hardly speak.

He says to G-d "Sir, it is such an honour to meet you - I can't believe it - this place is great. But I'm a Muslim and, no disrespect intended, but I really want to meet Muhammad."

G-d says "Ohh.. Your here to see Muhammad. I see. No problem Have a seat. Get comfortable. Can I get you some coffee or something to eat?"

The Muslim says "I would love a cup of coffee"

G-d yells into the kitchen.. "Hey Muhammad. 2 coffees!!!"

[ayesha]

Originally posted by LevyCohen
The truly sickening part is that jokes about Jews arent just told much more than arab ones, they are accepted.
Some of these jokes:

Jews control the world
Jews and Israel have no right to live
all Jews have big noses, are cheap and its acceptable to murder them.

Only in the last century or so has the last joke become less acceptable, unfortunately, it still seems to be...

Sorry that you find it offensive, but I find it offensive that so many ignore jewish plight, as the joke of dead jews is still funny to murderers and their supporters

I can honestly say I have never heard any Arab speak of any jokes as these. True they joke about world leaders, our own and Sharon but I havent ever heard prejudice jokes about Jews. I dont deny they exist but I have never heard an Arab utter one and if I did I would react in EXACTLY the same way.

[ayesha]

Originally posted by yoyo
A Muslim was killed in a car accident. He arrives at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter says "I'm St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven".

The Muslim says "Nice to meet you Peter but I'm a Muslim and I want to meet Muhammad."

St. Peter says "Sure no problem. Climb up that ladder behind you
and you will meet Muhammad"

The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top and there is Moses.

Moses says "Hi I'm Moses. Welcome to Heaven".

The Muslim is very excited - "Moses, its such an honour to meet you. But like I told St. Peter, I'm a Muslim and I really want to meet Muhammad".

Moses says "No problem. Climb up the ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad."

The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top,he can't see anything but bright light.

He sees this figure before him and asks "Who are you?"

The figure responds - "I am G-d. Nice to meet you. Welcome to Heaven".

God walks over and shakes his hand. The Muslim is stunned - he can hardly speak.

He says to G-d "Sir, it is such an honour to meet you - I can't believe it - this place is great. But I'm a Muslim and, no disrespect intended, but I really want to meet Muhammad."

G-d says "Ohh.. Your here to see Muhammad. I see. No problem Have a seat. Get comfortable. Can I get you some coffee or something to eat?"

The Muslim says "I would love a cup of coffee"

G-d yells into the kitchen.. "Hey Muhammad. 2 coffees!!!"


Regardless. I would never disrespect Judaism, and am hurt you insult myself and other Muslims here with that. Nonetheless, I have become accustomed so feel free to ignore me and tell another one. I'll stay silent as usual.

[MichaelC]

Originally posted by ayesha
Regardless. I would never disrespect Judaism, and am hurt you insult myself and other Muslims here with that. Nonetheless, I have become accustomed so feel free to ignore me and tell another one. I'll stay silent as usual.
Lighten up, Ayesha. It's a joke.

[Revkha]

Originally posted by ayesha
Regardless. I would never disrespect Judaism, and am hurt you insult myself and other Muslims here with that. Nonetheless, I have become accustomed so feel free to ignore me and tell another one. I'll stay silent as usual.

We Jews have had a more self-reflective relationship with G_d since the time of Abraham. We are free to discuss, dissect, argue, debate and joke and some of what we do and say may appear to Muslims as blasphemous. It is not. However, I know that jokes about the Prophet are considered sacrilegious to Muslims. I respect your sensitivities.

[Communication]

I'm sorry, ayesha.

[ayesha]

Originally posted by MichaelC
Lighten up, Ayesha. It's a joke.

sure, thats why i didnt bother having it removed, leaving it for others to laugh as hysterically as i did. hah di hah.
on to the next one. who's turn is it now?

[MichaelC]

Originally posted by ayesha
sure, thats why i didnt bother having it removed, leaving it for others to laugh as hysterically as i did. hah di hah.
on to the next one. who's turn is it now?
How old are you anyway? Perhaps a decade or two more experience with the demands of the world will allow you to see that not eveyone is expressing hatred or disrepect for you when they laugh.

[Donna]

Students in both Jewish and Catholic parochial schools were asked to write about the Bible. These are some of the responses:

(OLD TESTAMENT HISTORY)

In the first book of the Bible, Guinness, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached the UK.

Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.

King David fought with the Finkelesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

(NEW TESTAMENT HISTORY)

When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an emasculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

According to the Bible, A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

[Donna]

We were in church one morning, singing a chorus or two of "What a Mighty God We Serve" when I noticed that my youngest daughter was really getting into the song and singing very loudly beside of us. That's sweet, I thought, until I heard what she was singing so loudly...

"Nobody calls me Sirrrr! Nobody calls me Sirrrr!"

We've laughed about that one for several years!

[yoyo]

Originally posted by ayesha
sure, thats why i didnt bother having it removed, leaving it for others to laugh as hysterically as i did. hah di hah.
on to the next one. who's turn is it now?

Coming back from a little holiday to see a sensitive Ayesha. :rolleyes:

It must be nice to have the power to "have post removed", I feel flattered. Thank G-d I have a sense of humour, the same that have been a pillar of Jewish survival throughout the persecution from Pharao to Jihadist.

Really you should chill out, it is not good for your heart to be so stressed. haaaaa ok here is a joke for you so you don't feel persecuted:

Moshe is having a discussion with Jacob

Moshe: Jacob I have problems

Jacob: What my friend?

Moshe: Well you know my son?

Jacob: If I know your son? Of course I know Yonathan, he was so
sweet when...

Moshe: Jacob, listen! I sent Yonathan to Israel, to study in a Yeshiva, and he came back 3 month later a Christian.

Jacob: Incredible! I must tell you something, you know my son?

Moshe: If I know your son? Of course I know David, I remember him as.....

Jacob: Moshe, Listen! I sent my son last year, in Israel, to study the Torah and he came back 6 month later a Christian.

Moshe: Unbelievable! We must talk to the rabbi.

So they went to the Rabbi and they explained the situation.

Rabbi: Aie aie aie, you know my son?

Moshe: No, not him! He hasn't converted to Christianism in Israel

Rabbi: YES! I don't know what to do but in light of similar stories within the community, we must go and phone G-d. After 10 minutes explanations:

Rabbi: You understand my predicament, how can this be possible.

G-d: I really don't know. But rabbi, I must tell you something. Do you know my son?

[Mercury]

Originally posted by yoyo
Coming back from a little holiday to see a sensitive Ayesha. :rolleyes:

It must be nice to have the power to "have post removed", I feel flattered. Thank G-d I have a sense of humour, the same that have been a pillar of Jewish survival throughout the persecution from Pharao to Jihadist.


I wonder if you would show the same sense of humour if someone like Pharao would tell a joke about jews in the same spirit as the one you told. Personally, if I had been in Ayesha's place, I would feel offended. In fact, I still feel offended that the jewish moderators didn't bother to remove it. I think this serves to discredit the forum and the country it aims to defend. Btw, Ayesha, I don't think you should hesitate to use your position on such occasions.

Originally posted by MichaelC
How old are you anyway? Perhaps a decade or two more experience with the demands of the world will allow you to see that not eveyone is expressing hatred or disrepect for you when they laugh.


I don't know your age, Michael, but here is the simple fact of life - jokes at each other's expense are a normal thing between friends, but between strangers it's just rude.

[ibrodsky]

Originally posted by ayesha
sure, thats why i didnt bother having it removed, leaving it for others to laugh as hysterically as i did. hah di hah.
on to the next one. who's turn is it now?

I'm not sure the joke was that offensive.

But I am sure I appreciate your support for Israel's right to exist.

The least we can do in return is not be so dismissive of your feelings.

[yoyo]

Originally posted by Mercury
I wonder if you would show the same sense of humour if someone like Pharao would tell a joke about jews in the same spirit as the one you told.

Hummm.... Oh Great Wise Intelligent One, are you comparing me to Pharao? Never had a kingdom, never persecuted the muslims, I can assure you :rolleyes:

Originally posted by Mercury
I don't know your age, Michael, but here is the simple fact of life - jokes at each other's expense are a normal thing between friends, but between strangers it's just rude.

In this case he shouldn't read a "Joke and Parody" thread, as there is almost nil chance that people would be "friends". I would prefer the muslims (yeah I know it is a minority netherteless growing and substancial) to say joke about Jews than going for their idiocy of a "jihad". I'll prefer for them to say jokes about Moses than to write that somehow we make matzot with arab or goyim virigin teenage blood and stupidely beleive it. To conclude, I rather prefer them to see the irony in equating zionism with racism when it is precisely under [Jewish] Zionism that Jews and Arabs live as equal.

Ever seen Jakob The Liar with Robin Williams?

[MichaelC]

Originally posted by Mercury
I wonder if you would show the same sense of humour if someone like Pharao would tell a joke about jews in the same spirit as the one you told. Personally, if I had been in Ayesha's place, I would feel offended. In fact, I still feel offended that the jewish moderators didn't bother to remove it. I think this serves to discredit the forum and the country it aims to defend. Btw, Ayesha, I don't think you should hesitate to use your position on such occasions.



I don't know your age, Michael, but here is the simple fact of life - jokes at each other's expense are a normal thing between friends, but between strangers it's just rude.
The joke was amusing and if someone thinks it wasn't, well , I guess they should not tell it to anyone else.

I don't want humorless people who don't seem to get it to be in charge of telling me what I can and cannot have fun with.

Again, the joke in question is very mild and no different than ones I've heard making fun of my ancestry or my religious beliefs.

Lighten up.

[Gilgamesh]

Originally posted by yoyo
A Muslim was killed in a car accident. He arrives at the gates of heaven.

[Religion-bashing comments deleted.]

[ibrodsky]

Originally posted by ayesha
sure, thats why i didnt bother having it removed, leaving it for others to laugh as hysterically as i did. hah di hah.
on to the next one. who's turn is it now?

ayesha, I asked two people I consider experts on good manners: my wife and daughter.

They both feel the joke was "inappropriate" and they understand why you were offended.

I think we tend to tolerate rude jokes about Jews because... if the worst thing people did to us was tell jokes at our expense it would be an improvement.

But that doesn't give us the right to be thoughtless towards our friends.

[MichaelC]

Originally posted by Donna
Students in both Jewish and Catholic parochial schools were asked to write about the Bible. These are some of the responses:

(OLD TESTAMENT HISTORY)

In the first book of the Bible, Guinness, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached the UK.

Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.

King David fought with the Finkelesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

(NEW TESTAMENT HISTORY)

When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an emasculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

According to the Bible, A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
I've been meaning to thank you for putting these up here. I'm sure somebody was probably offended. Not me. I've sent it out to more than one person.

[porcupine]

Can someone please explain to me, without any reference to the joke itself, what's wrong in being a servant; working for somebody as a servant?
It is an HONEST and ADMIRABLE job!


People, STOP APOLOGISING FOR EVERYTHING. Especially for jokes. Maybe next thing you should do is apologising for the fact that you are breathing.

[yoyo]

Anyone recently looked at the title of this thread? Joke & Parody. So much contreversy over a joke, that is unreal. This is not a political thread so I will try to make it short.

Why is it that muslims get so p. off when someone question their religion or joke about it?

This i