Home | World Jewry decides that the world is perfect enough without Torah and decide to give it back to G-d.
Mt.Sinai is chosen as the place, and G-d agrees to date and time...
On the chosen day, all the books of the Torah and its explanations, interpretations, laws, stories, etc. are brought from the whole world to Mt.Sinai. The mountain has grown many times due to all the books....
At the specified hour, the Heavens open and G-d looks at the mountain...
--- "What's this??? I gave you 2 Tablets!!!!"
The near future...
Scientists challenge G-d to a contest of man making, claiming they can do it as good as G-d can...
G-d appears, forms man out of cley, breathes the soul in, and Walla!!!
Scientist begin to gather the elements needed to make a man from the earth...
G-d - "Hey, Get Your Own Earth!!!"
The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise rabbi, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"
The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
A Catholic priest was manning a confession booth for several hours and wanted relief. He asked his friend the rabbi to fill in for him. When the rabbi said he had no experience, he asked the rabbi to stay with him in the booth and observe what he did. The rabbi obliged.
A man confessed that he committed adultery 3 times. The priest told him to say 2 hail marys and put $5 in the box. Next, a woman told the priest he committed adultery 3 times. The priest repeated his instructions. The rabbi then said he knew what to do and could take over.
Afterwards, a different woman came around and confessed to the rabbi that she committed adultery. The rabbi asked how many times. The woman said she did it once. The rabbi responded:
"Do it 2 more times. We're having a special. Three for five dollars".
There was an amazing accident involving a Rabbi and a Priest. The cars are completetly shaterred though the Rabbi and the Preist don't even bare a scratch on them The Preists looks at the rabbi's kippa and says:
"Oh You're a Rabbi"
Then the Rabbi looks at the Preists collar and says:
"Oh You're a Priest"
"Yes" Amswered the Priest
"Well look at this both of our cars are shattered to bits, but none of us bare a scratch this must be a sign of G-D that we should be friends"
"Yes this is a sign" exclaimed the Priest
The Rabbi notices in his car that a wine bottle with a Mogen David on it isn't broken"
"Look" The rabbi points to the bottle, he continues "My wine bottle isn't shattered this must be a sign from G-D that we should drink this to commemerate that we are friends"
"Yes this must be a sign" says the priest who takes the bottle from the Rabbi's car and starts to drink until he is half-way done with the bottle then hands it to the rabbi, where the Rabbi takes it and closes the bottle.
"Aren't you going to have a sip Rabbi"
"Nahh..... I think I'll wait for the police"
In Jerusalem, an English female journalist heard about an old rabbi who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.
In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the holy site and there he is!
She watches the bearded old man at prayer--and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.
"I'm Jane Collins from the BBC, sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?" For about 50 years, he informs her.
"50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a brick wall."
I just cant resist sharing these hillarious jokes
A guy is driving around suburban Jerusalem and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"So, you talk?" he asks.
"Yap," the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?" asks the man.
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young and I wanted to help out. So I told the Mossad about my gift, and in no time at all they had me working flat strap, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders and suspected terrorists, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable agents for eight years running. But it was exhausting work and really tired me out. I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a less stressful job at Ben Gurion airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible stuff and was awarded a batch of medals. During that time I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired. And pretty much, that's it."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars." The guy says,
"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never worked for Mossad!"
All the kids in the class make fun of the jewish boy saying he is stupid.
The teacher asks why, and someone tells him that this kid is so dumb that if you show him 5 cents and 10 cents he will always choose 5 cents because it is bigger.
Teacher not believing his ears comes to the jewish boy and offers him a choice between a dime and a nickel. The boy takes the nickel saying it is bigger...
The teacher leans to the boy and asks, "don't you realize you can buy more for a dime?"
The boy answers "Sure I do." "So why do you take the nickel???"
"Cause if I take the dime, everyone will stop giving me money..."
^ Oh man, thats so funny & smart. I love it.
A rabbi asks a priest about what option they have for advancement in their 'career'. The priest answers that he could become an bishop, or even a pope....
The rabbi answers: "That's nothing, one of ours became a god..."
A rabbi sees a jew walking into a non-kosher restaurant, order a non-kosher dish, and runs in as he is about to eat it...
"What are you doing!!!!!!!!!"
The jew answers:
- Rabbi did you see me walk into this restaurant?
- Yes!
- Did you see me order this food and prepare to eat it?
- I surely did!!!
- Well then, it's under Rabbinic Supervision!
A jew is driving around in TA, searching for a parking spot...
1 hour passes, another... The desparate jew raises up his hands and prays: "O' G-d, if You shall show me a parking spot now, I will become Shomer Shabbat, Shomer Kashrut, and all other Mitzvot...
Suddenly out of nowhere a parking space appears....
- Forget it, already found one....
G-d says to Adam: " It is not good for you to be alone. Let me make you a partner..."
Adam: "Sure, can you make her to be always happy and nice, always doing my will, and always a perfect woman?"
- Sure, but it will cost you an arm and a leg.....
- Hmmm, and what could I get for a rib?
A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I'm bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native American and her name is Shooting Star."
"How nice," says his mother.
"I have an Indian name too," he says. "It's Running Deer" and I want you to call me that from now on."
"How nice," says his mother.
"You should have an Indian name too, Mom."
"I already do," says the mother. "You can call me Sitting Shiva."
Slalom race final. The crowd waits in anticipation. The French champion speeds down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss in 38.7 seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds and the Italian in 38.1 seconds. Next ccomes the Israeli's turn...SIX MINUTES!!!
"What happened to you?" screams his trainer when the Israeli finally arrives. And the furious Israeli replies : "WHERE IS THAT SCUMBAG WHO PUT A MEZUZAH ON EACH GATE?!?"
Ten Jews come to a restaurant. Each orders a steak. What's on the table?
Answer: fillet minyan.
“This is a reality but I won’t deal with it in terms of recognizing or admitting it.â€
Khaled Mashaal, Hamas leader
Does 'shiva' have any jewish significance?
Whats a Mezuzah?
How about a minyan?
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