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Thread: Syria harboring more than 15 million known Arabs!

  1. #1
    takeo
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    Syria harboring more than 15 million known Arabs!

    LANGLEY, VA—In an alarming report released Monday by the Central Intelligence Agency, Syria may be harboring upwards of 15 million known Arabs within its borders.


    "Reliable intelligence collected by our agency indicates that Syria has conspired to lend physical and economic support to a massive number of people belonging to this group," CIA director George J. Tenet said. "The shocking truth is, there are nearly as many Arabs in Syria as there are people in New York and Los Angeles combined. In fact, Syrians openly refer to their nation as the Syrian Arab Republic, despite knowing full well America's opinion on these matters."

    Explaining the CIA's methods of gathering data on the rogue ethnicity's presence in Syria, Tenet said it relied on a combination of satellite imagery, computer-system infiltration, reports from Syrian covert operatives, intercepted radio and television transmissions, and The World Almanac And Book Of Facts 2003.

    "It's practically an open secret these days," Tenet said. "Syrian television brazenly shows Arabs in military uniforms carrying guns, or delivering political speeches to other members of the group. Walk into any house of worship in the country, and you'll see people reading the Koran and bowing their heads in prayer toward Mecca. It's almost like they're daring the United States to get involved."

    "Disturbingly, more than 90 percent of these Arabs have been linked to the practice of 'Islam'—a defiantly non-Western system of faith whose core principles are embraced by none other than Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein," Tenet added. "If this is true, and we do consider this information to be correct in all particulars, then this is troubling at best."

    President Bush, Tenet said, has been aware of Syria's ties to known Arab political and religious figures since the earliest planning stages of Operation Iraqi Freedom. Tenet assured reporters that all possible diplomatic avenues of resolving the situation were being aggressively pursued.


    "We have informed [Syrian President] Bashar al-Assad of the presence of Arabs in his country and have offered any aid necessary to bring this situation under control," Tenet said. "I am confident that a resolution to this crisis can be achieved without resorting to military action."

    This is not the first time Syria has been linked to Arabs. Israel found the Golan Heights heavily populated by Arabs when it annexed the region from Syria during 1967's Arab-Israeli War. Arabs have historically held many influential posts in the Syrian government, and the CIA claims to have data indicating that wealthy Arab businessmen control the greater part of Syria's economy.

    The CIA report prompted concern from many Americans.

    "I'm not surprised," said Wayne Early, an Atlanta-area mortgage broker. "I suspect they're all over that part of the world. First, the government linked them to Sept. 11, then Afghanistan, and then Iraq. It makes you wonder who's next."

    "The more I learn about Arabs, the less I like them," said Carol Schecter of Norfolk, VA. "Beirut, Teheran, Baghdad... everyplace there's trouble, they're there, and now we've found them in Syria. I just hope they don't hurt the regular Syrians."

    Tenet assured citizens that he is committed to resolving the crisis.

    "We don't want to cause any undue panic, but now that the Arabs are there, we're going to have to deal with them," Tenet said. "Unfortunately, they're not just going to go away by themselves."

    http://www.theonion.com/onion3916/syria_harboring.html

  2. #2
    Canajew
    Guest

    Re: Syria harboring more than 15 million known Arabs!

    Here's another fictional story.

    Note the date. the more things change ...

    From The Onion March 5, 1997 http://www.theonion.com/onion3108/crazedgunman.html

    Crazed Palestinian Gunman Angered by Stereotypes (anon.)

    HEBRON, WEST BANK—In an emotionally charged press conference Monday, crazed Palestinian gunman Faisal al Hamad expressed frustration over the stereotyping of his people.

    Faisal al Hamad, seen here shrieking anti-U.S. slogans, says that "not every crazed Palestinian gunman is exactly alike."
    "As a crazed Palestinian gunman, I feel hurt by the negative portrayal of my people in the media," said al Hamad, 31, a Hebron-area terrorist maniac. "None of us should have to live with stereotyping and ignorance."

    He then began screaming and firing into a busload of Israeli schoolchildren.

    "It hurts that in this supposedly enlightened day and age, people still make assumptions about other people," al Hamad said. "We should not rely on simple generalizations. Each crazed Palestinian gunman is an individual."

    Al Hamad said that he himself has often been unfairly stereotyped. "Any time I enter a crowded temple with fully loaded AK-47s in both hands, people just assume I'm going to open fire," he said. "That really hurts."

    "Yes, I sometimes do gun people down in the name of the One True God," he noted. "But there is so much more to me."

    Several weeks ago, al Hamad was again the victim of stereotyping during a vacation he took with his family to Washington, D.C.

    "When we arrived at the airport in Washington, security guards detained us for more than 12 hours, just because I had 140 pounds of plastic explosives strapped to my chest," al Hamad said. "Do you think they would have called the FBI if I weren't a crazed Palestinian who's on their Ten Most Wanted List? I don't think so."

    Al Hamad said his vacation was ruined when federal agents seized a crate of chemical weapons he had brought into the U.S. as a gift for a friend in New York.

    "I explained to them that the weapons were a birthday present for the blind cleric Sayid al Farouq, a good friend of mine from high school," he said. "But they did not believe me and took me into federal custody for nine weeks. Again, it's a case of people jumping to conclusions on the basis of skin color. And that can be very frustrating."

    Above: When this truck blew up in Jerusalem on Yom Kippur last year, Israeli officials suspected PLO involvement. "That really hurt that they would just think that right off the bat," al Hamad said.
    According to al Hamad, stereotypes against crazed Palestinian gunmen don't work because they don't take into account the vast variety of proud histories and diverse cultures among them.

    "There are so many different kinds of crazed Palestinian gunmen. Each of us has our own unique reasons and motivations for our bus bombings and suicide missions," he said. "No two fundamentalist agendas are alike."

    Al Hamad also stressed the importance of understanding and celebrating the cultural differences between crazed Palestinian gunmen and non-crazed, non-Palestinian non-gunmen.

    "All the different peoples of the world have something special to offer each other," he said. "Our diversity is our greatest strength. Let's not make a weakness out of that strength."

    To emphasize his point, al Hamad fired into a crowd, killing nine.

    "I'm proud to be a crazed Palestinian gunman, obviously," he said in between shouts of anti-imperialist slogans. "But I'm an individual first. I'm me. Die, Yankee infidel pig swine!"

  3. #3
    Isiah 2:4
    Guest


    Thanks to the Onion.com, i can now safely say, that not all Americans take themselves and their beliefs so seriously as they would like us to believe.

    Shame that there isnt any Middle eastern websites with such a satirical content...

  4. #4
    Senior Member Mediocrates's Avatar
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  5. #5
    Donna
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    Stop it, stop it, stop it!

    Originally posted by Mediocrates
    Christ converts to Islam

    http://www.theonion.com/onion3513/christ_islam.html
    My side hurts, I've got to go to the bathroom, and now I've got to wipe the Diet Vanilla Coke from my monitor!


  6. #6
    Evgeny
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    thats disrespectful Mediocrates

  7. #7
    Donna
    Guest

    Just wondering

    Originally posted by Evgeny
    thats disrespectful Mediocrates
    To whom was Mediocrates being disrespectful? Muslims? Christians?

    As a Christian, I found it hilarious and sent the link to my husband. He in turn forwarded it to his assistant at his office who happens to be a Muslim woman from Pakistan.


  8. #8
    reason
    Guest

    Re: Just wondering

    I found it hilarious, there was no disrespect for me as a muslim. But I could see why christians would be offended.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Mediocrates's Avatar
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    Sorry to whomever is slighted but I tend to think as Flannery O'Connor noted "The Violent Bear it Away".

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