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The joke & parody thread
I have been missing this for some time now, especially given the inspiring qualities of the subject.
Although - even in this forum I am often at a loss over whether this statement or other is supposed to be funny...
I don't know for sure whether I've already posted this one: http://www.netaxs.com/~balpert/jewfaq.html - I can't find it.
This will explain arafat in simplest form.
indented = arafat
"Hey, give me a high five or I'll keep punching you"
Okay!
"Now give me a low five or I'll keep kicking you"
Okay!
"Now kill yourself or give me your head on a stick"
No.
"Well then I'll do it for you. This proves that jews don't want peace because they won't comprimise!"
You see, as long as he's killing you, he's happy.
You didn't mean "demented", did you?Originally posted by General X
[B]This will explain arafat in simplest form.
indented = arafat
Good Arafat joke!
(Miami)--In a move that has significantly altered the political landscape of the Middle East, PLO Chairman Yassir Arafat last Saturday announced his retirement and quickly moved to Miami, Florida. Almost immediately, Arafat claimed 39% of the land owned by Hillel House on the campus of The University of Miami, as well as land occupied by the Moses Mendelssohn Community Retirement Center situated in the trendy South Beach section of the city.
Arafat, however, got more than he bargained for when he attempted to occupy the Retirement Center land. His military incursion was met with fierce resistance by members of the South Beach Hadassah who were meeting in the Center at the time. Reports are still sketchy, but it appears that Arafat and his forces sustained serious casualties and had to abandon their attack when elderly Hadassah members hurled Mah Jongg tiles at the Palestinian terrorists.
"I've never seen anything like it," said Miami Police Chief Buford Rodriquez. "You can't believe the lethal impact of a Mah Jongg tile thrown at 95 mph. Man, some of those grannies ought to try out for the Marlins. They'd be Cy Young contenders for sure."
The European Parliament quickly denounced the Hadassah group's inflammatory use of Mah Jongg tiles, and decided to schedule a debate to decide whether or not to form an exploratory group to consider a proposal to request an investigation into the matter. Under consideration is a proposal in which the Grand Duchy of Liechtenstein would send peacekeeping troops to Miami Beach to establish "safe zones" that would be free of all Mah Jongg activity.
For his part, Arafat is going to appear before the General Assembly of the United Nations to urge the passing of Resolution 843, making Mah Jongg a form of genocide.
ROFL!!
Mediocrates, you da man!
Supposedly a joke based on a Monty Python skit is the winner.
Scientists list world’s funniest joke
http://www.msnbc.com/news/816084.asp?pne=msn
Surely someone can do better than this (well, actually they have - even on this very thread).
Two Arabs are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures.
"Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."
...There's a pause...
The second Arab says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
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A man walks into a curio shop in Haifa. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it.
He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve shekels for the rat, one hundred shekels for the story," said the owner. The man gave the shop owner twelve shekels. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting and he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Quite frightened by now, he ran to the edge of the bay, and hurled the bronze rat as far out into the bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the bay after it and drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"
"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Arab."
Colin Powell speaks Yiddish
http://www.snopes.com/glurge/powell.htm
Ariel Sharon - "The important thing is to shovel the entire width and breadth of the driveway, regardless of what anyone else thinks."
Ehud Barak - "You must shovel most of the driveway, but the exact dimensions of shoveling will be determined in discussions with our neighbors. No wait, you can shovel only in places where snow had previously fallen, but you cannot shovel in places where no snow had fallen - wait, don't do any shoveling until you hear from me!"
Yossi Sarid - "You should not shovel any part of the driveway, since you really do not have any valid historical or legal claim to the driveway, and it will soon be given back to its rightful owners."
Artscroll Hilchos Sheleg ("Laws Regarding Snow; Ashkenaz version, chapter 5) - "First approach the snow with the proper kavanah, meditating on the concept of snow removal. Recite the "...Who commanded us concerning the shoveling of snow" benediction," then take three steps back, bend the knees slightly with feet together, then look at the snow, lift shovel and dig, turning right and then left, bend knees fully, take three steps forward and deposit snow deliberately. Repeat until done, then recite the Sheheheyanu benediction, go indoors and have a hot drink, remembering to say the Shehakol brocha (see Artscroll Hilchos on Drinking Hot Liquids)..."
Tikkun Magazine - "What right do we have to violently take snow from its rightful resting place? Snow has rights: each snowflake is a unique individual, and we have absolutely no right to do anything with it. Let the snow decide for itself what it wishes to do, and then if it wishes to be shoveled, do so humanely."
Rashi - "Snow, this is a form of solid precipitation that clings to
one's beard if you remain outside too long in the winter season. (Old French: neige). Shoveling is a Rabbinic precept, based on the verse In Isaiah 1:18 - "If your sins be like scarlet, they will turn as white as snows"
Birthright Israel - "It does not matter how the shoveling is done, but the very act of a young Jew shoveling snow for ten consecutive days, under proper supervision will have a lifelong impact on Jewish identity."
Meir Ben-Meir (Israeli Water Commissioner) - "Just shovel the snow as fast as you can, and ship it here. We are running out of water fast! Is anyone listening to me?"
Rabbi David Hartman - "Snow is a potent force in the world which
unites all Jews. It falls on us all,regardless of religious denomination and belief, and is therefore instrumental in our understanding of Jewish unity and diversity. In fact, just this week, I was explaining the significance of snow to the Prime Minister, President Weizman, President Clinton, and His Holiness the Pope, who had asked my opinion."
The Late Lubavitcher Rebbe (from an epistle to a disciple) -"Shoveling snow is a distraction from our efforts to bring Moshiach, may He come soon, when in any case there will be no snow to shovel. So leave it and let it melt. If the Messiah does not come by Shavuos, the snow will have miraculously disappeared."
Q: What's a brunette standing between two blondes?
A: An interpreter.
Q: How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Invade Poland
Ladies and Europeans, don't do the kid the favour of reacting to it - he'll still take some time to grow up
So these two cannibals were cooking a clown and one says to the other -
"Does this taste funny?"
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