The joke & parody thread

[Mediocrates]

http://www.aftenposten.no/english/sp...icle875219.ece

More soccer violence in lower divisions

The seventh division clash between little-known teams Hetlevik 2 and Djerv 2 resulted in an unusual outpouring of violence. A goalkeeper was chased home, a club foreman was head-butted to the ground and female spectators were insulted and threatened with rape. Police intervention was needed to restore order, newspaper Askøyværingen reports.

One player from each team became involved in a heated argument as they were heading for the locker room after coming off in the closing minutes. After the final whistle blew, Djerv players went berserk.

The Hetlevik goalkeeper was chased home, and three girls, the youngest aged 11, were subjected to crude sexual insults from some of the Djerv players. Some spectators were threatened with rape.

Local football authorities have had some trouble with Djerv 2 before and said the team, which consists largely of Kurdish players, might not be allowed to play the two final games of the season.

"There are a few individual players who behave in a completely unacceptable way and have problems following the rules that apply on the pitch. Those who have behaved badly will be sanctioned. But it is still important to remember that football is a positive arena where everyone can take part," local football leader Roald Bruun-Hansen told newspaper Bergens Tidende.

According to newspaper Bergensavisen, Bruun-Hansen refused to comment on reports that Djerv players threatened to decapitate members of the spectating crowd.

[Sword of Gideon]

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am."

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!"

[Sword of Gideon]

A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes." He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".

[Sword of Gideon]

Who let the dogs out


get ready for some side aches

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/dogs.shtml

[chrisjohn316]

Who let the dogs out


get ready for some side aches

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/dogs.shtml

Not funny, but cruel.

[Mediocrates]

The Poetry of D.H. Rumsfeld

The Unknown
As we know,
There are known knowns.
There are things we know we know.
We also know
There are known unknowns.
That is to say
We know there are some things
We do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns,
The ones we don't know
We don't know.

Feb. 12, 2002, Department of Defense news briefing

Glass Box
You know, it's the old glass box at the
At the gas station,
Where you're using those little things
Trying to pick up the prize,
And you can't find it.
It's

And it's all these arms are going down in there,
And so you keep dropping it
And picking it up again and moving it,
But

Some of you are probably too young to remember those
Those glass boxes,
But

But they used to have them
At all the gas stations
When I was a kid.

Dec. 6, 2001, Department of Defense news briefing

A Confession
Once in a while,
I'm standing here, doing something.
And I think,
"What in the world am I doing here?"
It's a big surprise.

May 16, 2001, interview with the New York Times

Happenings
You're going to be told lots of things.
You get told things every day that don't happen.

It doesn't seem to bother people, they don't
It's printed in the press.
The world thinks all these things happen.
They never happened.

Everyone's so eager to get the story
Before in fact the story's there
That the world is constantly being fed
Things that haven't happened.

All I can tell you is,
It hasn't happened.
It's going to happen.

Feb. 28, 2003, Department of Defense briefing

The Digital Revolution
Oh my goodness gracious,
What you can buy off the Internet
In terms of overhead photography!

A trained ape can know an awful lot
Of what is going on in this world,
Just by punching on his mouse
For a relatively modest cost!

June 9, 2001, following European trip

The Situation
Things will not be necessarily continuous.
The fact that they are something other than perfectly continuous
Ought not to be characterized as a pause.
There will be some things that people will see.
There will be some things that people won't see.
And life goes on.

Oct. 12, 2001, Department of Defense news briefing

Clarity
I think what you'll find,
I think what you'll find is,
Whatever it is we do substantively,
There will be near-perfect clarity
As to what it is.

And it will be known,
And it will be known to the Congress,
And it will be known to you,
Probably before we decide it,
But it will be known.

Feb. 28, 2003, Department of Defense briefing

[Mediocrates]

Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl.
Unless, of course, you have the closet space.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: Get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo.
Learn of the kugel from the kugel.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symp! tom of a terminal illness.

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget these simple things and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao is not Jewish.

Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

To find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to atta! in nothingness.
And then what do you have? Bupkes.

[Mediocrates]

http://www.vidlit.com/yidlit/yidlit.html

[sharonbn]

OK... more like a nice joke...
http://www.hotlush.com/rofl3000/
(note footnote at the bottom... )

[sharonbn]

mms://live.103.fm/radio103fm//zeh/zeh1201038.wma
For Hebrew speakers only!
Natan Zehavi at his best...

[Luke90]

More Donald Rumsfeld Poetry
(Requires RealPlayer)

My personal favourite is "Do I Know?" at the bottom of the list.
It's the known-unknowns one that Mediocrates posted earlier.

[Canajew]

More Donald Rumsfeld Poetry
(Requires RealPlayer)

My personal favourite is "Do I Know?" at the bottom of the list.
It's the known-unknowns one that Mediocrates posted earlier.

I actually think the "known unknoiwn" bits was one of the most intelligent and succint explanation of knowledge and reality that has been espoused by a policy maker or anyone of consequence in years. That it was jumped on by the left is just further indication to me that the left is full of know nothings incapable of truly rational thought who should not be trusted for any social policy decisions.

I mean, what is so bloody difficult to understand?

[Luke90]

What he's trying to say makes sense. It's just very strange sounding to listen to and I think it could probably have been put better so that it sounded less silly. I think the "most intelligent explanation of knowledge and reality" is probably taking it a bit far the other way.

[Mediocrates]

It's dissembling, really it is.

[Canajew]

What he's trying to say makes sense. It's just very strange sounding to listen to and I think it could probably have been put better so that it sounded less silly. I think the "most intelligent explanation of knowledge and reality" is probably taking it a bit far the other way.

maybe, but it is a complete compartmentalization of the classes of knowledge regarding information we have, and adding up all his groupings leads to a complete set.

It is also not particularly strange. He just kept the vocabulary limited to both make a point and to dumb it down for the dumb general population. I just think ultimately it was over most leftist commnetators' heads, which speaks far worse of them than it does of him.

And what's so akward with the term "known unknowns", things we "know we do not know"?