Home | "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest player in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war." - Chris Rock
From a blog: http://braden.weblogs.com/humor/warOnTerror
Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a Colt 45 M1911A-1 semiautomatic pistol and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Liberal Answer:
"Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion."
Conservative Answer:
BANG!
Marine Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of magazine being ejected and fresh magazine installed)
Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"
Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw him moving too..."
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy!"
Saddam's doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam look-alikes.
"Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news.
The good news is Saddam is still alive.
The bad news is he lost an arm."
Originally posted by sharonbn
Saddam's doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam look-alikes.
"Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news.
The good news is Saddam is still alive.
The bad news is he lost an arm."
Is Islam a Zionist conspiracy?
Is Islam a Zionist conspiracy?
http://www.backwash.com/content_fram...con_id%3D22611
Avraham was talking to his son Yitzhak about plans to upgrade his computer to Win 95.
Yitzhac says, 'you're crazy, dad. Your old computer doesnt have enough speed or memory to run Win 95. You'll need at least a 486 with 128 M of memory.
So Avraham says to Yitzhak, 'Dont worry, my son, G_d will provide the RAM.''
At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Dan Rather, Jesse Jackson, Cokie Roberts from National Public Radio and an Israeli soldier were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief.
The chief said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"
Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."
Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job til the end." The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The chief said, "And, Mr. Israeli soldier, what is your final wish?"
"Kick me in the ass." said the Israeli.
"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass." insisted the Israeli.
So the chief untied the soldier, shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Israeli went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his uzi, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were all dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Israeli was untying the others, they each asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"
"What!?" said the Israeli, "And have you fu*kers call ME the aggressor?!?"
(by Arlene Peck)
4 reasons Jesus was Jewish
1. He lived at his mum until the age of 30
2. His mum thought he was a god
3. He thought his mother was a virgin
4. After more than 2000 years he still has a thriving business
A little Jewish woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or is getting worse."
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
He said, " Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic, darling!... That's wonderful news!"
The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"
She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! My doctor doesn't tell me !"
More, from my pitch black bag-o-humor
http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun/d...df20030702.jpg
Hilchos TV
HILCHOS TV
Author's Preface: This book must not be used as a guide to practical
Halochoh. I am not a qualified posek. I failed my CPA exam. I do not even
have a driver's license. The sole purpose of this work is to provide a
basic
understanding of the halochic issues relating to owning and using the
television, and to convince my father-in-law that it was worth supporting
me
in kollel for the last 23 years. All halochic questions should be brought
to
a reader's local, qualified machmir. I want to acknowledge my gratitude to
Hashem Yisborach, to my wife Chashie, to my children Bini, Pini, Minnie,
Mashie, Bashie, Rashie, Ushi, Chushi and Harold. And to the one who
instilled
in me the love of television, Captain Kangaroo.
I. Definition of Television
A. The Halochoh defines television as any instrument which receives an
audio
and video signal, with a screen to display the video transmission and a
speaker to amplify the sound. According to Rav Hai Gaon, an electrical
supply
is part of the definition of television (a so-called Hai-Definition
television).
B. The Urim V'Tumim is believed to have resembled a television, though it
appears to have lacked a remote.
C. The Medrash says that Odom Harishon knew everything, obviously
including
how to invent a television.
D. In the days of Moshiach, everyone who wants a television will own one,
there will be no commercials, and all weather forecasts will be accurate.
II. Owning a Television
A. It is an Issur D'Oraisa to own a television according to most
authorities.
Some say it is an Issur D'Rabbonon. All agree that owning a television
involves almost as many Issurim as speaking Loshon Hora.
B. Owning a television that is broken is permitted, provided the insides
have
been removed, replaced with potting soil, and the television is used as a
planter. A Ba'al Nefesh will refrain from this practice.
C. One who borrows a television for more than thirty days is considered as
one who owns it, even if it is later returned. Any loan of a television is
canceled at the Yovel, along with magical objects, under the principle of
Shemitos Keshafim. This principle will not apply on New Years' Day to a
television tuned to the Pros Bowl.
III. Getting Benefit (Hano'oh) from Television
A. It is prohibited to derive benefit from television. Don't even think
about
it.
IV. The Laws of B'rochos
A. It is required to recite a Shehechiyonu on a new television, some say
at
the time of purchase, some say at the time of watching it for the first
time,
some say at the first time of watching an entertaining and popular program
that is not interrupted every five minutes by annoying commercials
featuring
furry animals, cute children or a talking carton of milk.
B. When hearing a B'rocho recited on television, one should respond
"Omen,"
although this does not fulfill an obligation. When the B'rocho is recited
by
a Goyische actor with a lousy Hebrew accent, one should snicker
derisively.
V. The Laws of Kashrus
A. One should not eat meat while dairy products are being advertised on
television, lest one come to mix the two. It is preferable to wait six
hours
before watching a dairy advertisement. However, if the advertisement
appears
in between two non-dairy advertisements, it is considered Bottel B'Rov,
unless the ad includes Tommy Lasorda or Tommy Lee Jones (in which case it
is
Nosen Tom).
B. After eating meat, a pregnant woman with a craving for ice cream may
watch
an advertisement for Hagen-Dazs, but only if the reception is fuzzy.
C. One should not eat dairy while meat products are being advertised on
television, unless one has just brushed one's teeth. An intervening
toothpaste or mouthwash ad is also acceptable.
D. It is forbidden to derive Hano'oh from an advertisement for Bosor
B'Cholov, such as a ch-seburger. When such an advertisement begins, one
should immediately cover one's face, turn off the television and recite
some
Tehillim.
VI. The Laws of Tefiloh
A. It is forbidden to postpone prayer in order to watch a program on
television. However, if one is already engaged in watching a program, in
Eretz Yisroel you may delay prayer until the program is finished, while in
Chutz Lo'Oretz you may delay until the first commercial.
B. It is permitted to Daven B'Yechidus in order to catch one's favorite
sitcom, but only on Thursday nights.
C. When one's television is broken, one should pray for its speedy repair.
It
is permissible to engage in Hishtadlus and call a repairman. In the event
the
repairman actually shows up, it is proper to recite the B'rocho of
She'Osoh
Nissim.
VII. Talking During Television Watching
A. It is forbidden to engage in idle talk during a television program,
because it would be a Hefsaik (interruption). If the speech is related to
the
watching (e.g. "Please pass the remote," or "Doesn't Kathie Lee Gifford
make
you nauseous?"), no Hefsaik occurs. Nevertheless, it is preferable to
refrain
from any speech, especially if the person sitting next to you threatens to
"punch your lights out" if you say another word.
B. During commercials, conversation is not considered a Hefsaik.
Nevertheless, one who is able to refrain from talking during commercials
should do so. The story is told about the mother of a famous Gadol who was
asked why she merited to give birth to a Torah giant. She said, "I never
disturbed my husband during commercials, and I never paid retail."
VIII.The Laws of Shabbos
A. Before Shabbos one should unplug the television and cover it with a
velvet
Challoh cover, Li'Kovod Shabbos. There is a dispute whether it is required
that the Challoh cover be encased in plastic.
B. If a young child accidentally turns on a television during Shabbos
(Rochmonoh Lotzlon), it is vital to respond without causing additional
Chilul
Shabbos. The following things should be done (in order of preferability.
1. If there is an Eruv, move yourself and your family into a neighbor's
house
for the duration of Shabbos.
2. If there is no Eruv, one must avoid looking at the television, even
unintentionally. Men should tip their hat brim over their eyes. Women
should
tip their sheitel forward over their eyes. Children should wrap long
strips
of cloth over their eyes.
3. If this is not possible, one should seek out a Gentile and indirectly
ask
him if there is anything good to watch on Friday nights.
IX. The Laws of Paisach
A. It is very difficult to clean a television for Paisach because of all
the
little holes in the back of the set. Therefore, many authorities require
that
one throw out one's televisions before Paisach and buy new ones for
Paisach.
B. According to R. Blumenkrantz, a television should be cleaned for
Paisach
as follows. First, remove the back of the television by unscrewing the
screws
under the sticker that warns against removing the back of the television.
Then clean each instrument with an ammonia-based cleaner. Finally, to
eliminate the Chometz absorbed when the television gets hot, the entire
television set should be immersed in boiling hot water (Hagoloh). R.
Blumenkrantz recommends unplugging the television first.
I had to share this that I just read at Arutz Sheva:
--------------------
In A Hurry Young Man?
09:12 Jul. 09, '03 / 9 Tammuz 5763
(IsraelNN.com) A young driver in a sports car was apprehended by police near the Polag Interchange traveling 222 KPH (137 MPH) in a 90 KPH (55 MPH) zone.
The brazen driver told the policeman it is just not possible, explaining he hadn't even reached sixth gear. His license was suspended for thirty days pending a court appearance.
A Muslim was killed in a car accident. He arrives at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter says "I'm St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven".
The Muslim says "Nice to meet you Peter but I'm a Muslim and I want to meet Muhammad."
St. Peter says "Sure no problem. Climb up that ladder behind you
and you will meet Muhammad"
The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top and there is Moses.
Moses says "Hi I'm Moses. Welcome to Heaven".
The Muslim is very excited - "Moses, its such an honour to meet you. But like I told St. Peter, I'm a Muslim and I really want to meet Muhammad".
Moses says "No problem. Climb up the ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad."
The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top,he can't see anything but bright light.
He sees this figure before him and asks "Who are you?"
The figure responds - "I am G-d. Nice to meet you. Welcome to Heaven".
God walks over and shakes his hand. The Muslim is stunned - he can hardly speak.
He says to G-d "Sir, it is such an honour to meet you - I can't believe it - this place is great. But I'm a Muslim and, no disrespect intended, but I really want to meet Muhammad."
G-d says "Ohh.. Your here to see Muhammad. I see. No problem Have a seat. Get comfortable. Can I get you some coffee or something to eat?"
The Muslim says "I would love a cup of coffee"
G-d yells into the kitchen.. "Hey Muhammad. 2 coffees!!!"
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